Chinese ... A .. B... C

Yesterday was the 9th day of CNY and it was an auspicious day for Hokkien-lang. It’s a day where they honour the ‘sky god’. The Chinese is an interesting race with many sub-species. The Cantons, predominantly found in KL and JB… the Hokkiens, predominantly in Klang and Penang… the Fuchow, predominantly in Setiawan and Johor with Hakkas and Teowchews forming the Chinese community in Malaysia.

But you know what? I think nowadays, there are only 3 main sub-species in the Chinese race. It’s very easy to identify them… they are the Type A, Type B and Type C… damn easy right?

Type A Chinese:

These are the (A)ng-moh-wannabes, pre-dominantly found in KL and PJ. They probably represent 20% of the Chinese in Malaysia, and growing. Naturally, most of these Type A Chinese speak English, even if they can speak a mother tongue. If they can’t, even better! Being a banana is a privilege, not a shame. While being a Malaysian, they think they are Australian. Once heard a Type A Chinese said he can speak 3 types of languages… Australian English, American English and British English… I guess Type A Chinese can be quite stupid.

Like majority of the Malaysian population, Type A always wants an easy life. The worst residence that they are willing to dwell in is a condo. Shitting must be done on a sitting toilet bowl, shit somehow refuse to be disposed when their legs are bent legs past 90 degrees. Computer means notebook, a desktop is ‘not up to standard’. And internet is meant for surfing. iPod is a must.

To them, celebrities only exist in Hollywood. Series only appear in the form of “CSI”, “Desperate Housewives”, “Grey’s Anatomy” and “Heroes” to them. Watching Hong Kong TVB Series is… 1) Not cool… 2) A serious threat to their Ang-Moh status. Rice means carbo, but somehow, pasta is not.

They are blessed with the ability to speak Malay with an English accent… “S’ya mau satu-h roti ch’nai… please”. And then turn around and say… “Gosh, I wish they have more mamaks in Australia, ya’ know”.

Type B Chinese:

These are the (B)engs&Lians, probably makes up about 25% of the Chinese community in Malaysia. It’s easy to spot Type B Chinese, the colour of their hair is anything but black. They smoke not becos it's cool, but becos it makes them look ‘fearsome’.

Most of them drive a Proton, though it may not look like one. Further, one Proton has enough amplifiers and speakers to power 6 Protons. This is because being ‘loud’ is one of the main trademark of Type B Chinese… ranging from having exceptionally loud voice to incredibly loud phone ringing tones.

Celebrities mainly come from Hong Kong and Taiwan. They can quote the current partner or gf or bf or husband or wife or any celebrity with ease, and secretly fantasises that they are the bf/gf of those celebrities. The female species of Type B Chinese enjoy having the following phrase as description in their Friendster photos…. “Me!”… “Me again”… “Me me me”… “Is I cute?”… “Cute leh…”

They are blessed with the ability to blend vulgar words with every single sentence…. “Boss! Cepat la! Cibai! Teh tarik satu!”. And then turn around and say… “Man do haiiii kam yeong”

Type C Chinese:

This type of Chinese makes up 55% of the Chinese community in Malaysia and is by far, the most important type of all Chinese. They are the ones who diligently work their ass off quietly despite being paid peanuts. They are the regular… (C)ina (pronounced chee-na).

They are the ones who drive the economy, who keep things going for without them, there will not be any development in this country. They are the one that gets ripped off, but stay quiet about it, for as long as they can make a living, life will go on as it is. They perceive Type A Chinese as ‘high-class people’, ‘rich’ and ‘lansi’ whilst Type B Chinese are “bad people”.

Generally speaks Mandarin or Cantonese or both. They may not be able to speak extravagant English, but their written English can be quite exceptional. Due to this, most have low self esteem. But lo and behold, a “F*uck you!” from Type C Chinese is more powerful than “Tiu lei” from Type B or “F*ck you” form Type A.

They are generally quiet, slow to speak with reasons such as “I like to keep low profile, I am here just to work”. But on the other hand, one must be careful when dealing with Type C Chinese, they bear the genes of true Chinese… sly, cunning, shrwed and calculative.

They are blessed with the ability to always see the best deal…”Fish and Chips… Ice-lemon tea”… turns around and say…”order same la, a lot of flench flies wan, and ice-lemon tea can refill wan”.

Which type are you?