It has been tiring, much more tiring compared to blogging as every Sunday and Thursday, I am on duty. I will have to do prepare food for her as soon as I reached home tomorrow as she can only eat certain type of food. Thereafter, it’s feeding time. It’s hard as she can't really control the movement of her jaws. After feeding, then it’s time to check her diapers, so see if there’s a need to change. As she couldn’t talk much, she couldn’t tell me if the diapers need to be replaced.
Then it’s the part I hate most, I have to massage her all around and make sure all her muscles received some sort of movement. There’s also a need to hit certain parts of her body to help blood circulation. It has to be done at the right amount of strength, else I might injured her, and that means… more work… more worry… more stress, I wouldn’t want that.
Last, being on duty also means I have to accompany her and talk to her. But I have nothing to talk to her. All I have in my mind is just frustration, and the never-ending thought of how long will I have to endure this. I wish I can just run away form this responsibility so that I can have my life back, and not having to worry about my… paralysed mother.
It’s exactly 3 months ago today that Mom collapsed. Many would know that she didn’t end up as being paralysed… she passed away peacefully the day after her stroke. But as I sit here and let my imagination go on an auto-run mode on what could have been, I can't help but see myself in the scenario mentioned above, if Mom was to survive her stroke.
Besides God, and possibly Jules, the person who knows me best is of course… me. If Mom did survived and ended up paralysed which then result in me having to take up the responsibility of looking after her for the longest time, I am not sure how long I will be able to take it. I am selfish, and if you are matured enough to admit it… you are not exactly selfless. We all want to live our lives; no one wants to carry a burden.
With the multitudes of ‘what ifs’, ‘what could have’, ‘what would have’, ‘maybes’ and ‘perhaps’, I can't help but think that what happened, happened for the best of us all. Mom wanted to go when the time is right, and she did just that. I missed my Mom a lot… and I mean a lot… but I am glad she left me with a longing feeling, a fonder heart. While I wish my mom is still alive, I am glad she did not put me in a position where my human weakness will be tested. Would you have it the other way round? Honestly, would you?
I know many of you are wondering why am I taking a walk down the memory aisle again. But if you were to recall my first few lines in my very first entry about my Mom, you will remember me saying… I want to remember that day. Indeed, it brings much hurt… it causes my eyes to tear even right now… it causes my heart to skip a beat… but it also reminds me of the loving mom. Besides, it's what she wanted... to be remembered. And that’s exactly what I want because as humans… we tend to forget, don’t think?
Also… shedding a tear… feeling the pain… reminds us all that we are humans after all.
Oh mom, oh mom you went away
Three months ago exactly today
And now I have one thing to say
Your love in my heart will remain always