Thursday, 21 June 2007

A glimpse from the other side

Tomorrow is Thursday and I dread it. I have been having this resentment towards Thursday in the last 3 months. Yeah, it’s my hip hop day but it has never been the same. I wish hip hop class is 2 hours long so that I don’t have to go home so early… so that I will have a reason to stay away from her, stay away from my duty.

It has been tiring, much more tiring compared to blogging as every Sunday and Thursday, I am on duty. I will have to do prepare food for her as soon as I reached home tomorrow as she can only eat certain type of food. Thereafter, it’s feeding time. It’s hard as she can't really control the movement of her jaws. After feeding, then it’s time to check her diapers, so see if there’s a need to change. As she couldn’t talk much, she couldn’t tell me if the diapers need to be replaced.

Then it’s the part I hate most, I have to massage her all around and make sure all her muscles received some sort of movement. There’s also a need to hit certain parts of her body to help blood circulation. It has to be done at the right amount of strength, else I might injured her, and that means… more work… more worry… more stress, I wouldn’t want that.

Last, being on duty also means I have to accompany her and talk to her. But I have nothing to talk to her. All I have in my mind is just frustration, and the never-ending thought of how long will I have to endure this. I wish I can just run away form this responsibility so that I can have my life back, and not having to worry about my… paralysed mother.

It’s exactly 3 months ago today that
Mom collapsed. Many would know that she didn’t end up as being paralysed… she passed away peacefully the day after her stroke. But as I sit here and let my imagination go on an auto-run mode on what could have been, I can't help but see myself in the scenario mentioned above, if Mom was to survive her stroke.

Besides God, and possibly Jules, the person who knows me best is of course… me. If Mom did survived and ended up paralysed which then result in me having to take up the responsibility of looking after her for the longest time, I am not sure how long I will be able to take it. I am selfish, and if you are matured enough to admit it… you are not exactly selfless. We all want to live our lives; no one wants to carry a burden.

With the multitudes of ‘what ifs’, ‘what could have’, ‘what would have’, ‘maybes’ and ‘perhaps’, I can't help but think that what happened, happened for the best of us all. Mom wanted to go when the time is right, and she did just that. I missed my Mom a lot… and I mean a lot… but I am glad she left me with a longing feeling, a fonder heart. While I wish my mom is still alive, I am glad she did not put me in a position where my human weakness will be tested. Would you have it the other way round? Honestly, would you?

I know many of you are wondering why am I taking a walk down the memory aisle again. But if you were to recall my first few lines in my very first entry about my Mom, you will remember me saying… I want to remember that day. Indeed, it brings much hurt… it causes my eyes to tear even right now… it causes my heart to skip a beat… but it also reminds me of the loving mom. Besides, it's what she wanted...
to be remembered. And that’s exactly what I want because as humans… we tend to forget, don’t think?

Also… shedding a tear… feeling the pain… reminds us all that we are humans after all.


Oh mom, oh mom you went away
Three months ago exactly today
And now I have one thing to say
Your love in my heart will remain always

58 comments:

Little Ray said...

It's okay to go back down memory lane. We're after all, humans. I'll leave with a quote I often remind myself with:

"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on." -- Robert Frost

angel said...

*wipes zewt's tears*

mh said...

No one can ever say it is wrong to remember your loved ones.

Personally, it is not so much a test of caring for a loved one, but more the case of whether WE are the selfish ones for desperately wanting someone to be alive despite the silent suffering he/she may be going through?

day-dreamer said...

I think God has His arrangements for you.

anthraxxxx said...

I can see where you are coming from. My brother is fighting a terminal disease and he can't walk much right now as his foot swells pretty badly. He needs our help every time he needs to pass motion. Very "sam tong" when I see he's suffering, trying his best to live. Looking from his eyes, I know he's been very frustrated because he's still young and he's suppose to do what people his age do.

J.T. said...

We are all selfish with our time to a certain extent. We do want to do everything we can for our loved one. We try our best everyday to do the most we can with patience. It does come to a point we will wonder "when will this end?". Sometimes it is not because we want our lives back. It is because we want the suffering of our loved one to end. It is more painful to watch a loved one suffer. Then you start wishing God be kinder and lessen the loved one's pains and illness.

It is okay to remember your mom for as long as you live. Talk about her every time you need to. You are human after all, just like me and the next person.

Antabax said...

keep positive, let the tears come out, dont be shy. no one can stand the sadness of losing their mom.

zewt said...

Little Ray - thanks bro... it does go on... and i am glad it has been relatively smooth...

angel - thanks...

mh - that's just too profound. i guess some ppl just prefer to leave... for the best of them... and us. right?

day dreamer - I am sure He has :)

anthraxxxx - sorry to hear about your bro. i guess life can be really cruel sometimes. we just have to pray for the best and come out of it strong. your bro is so young... it's most unfortunate but i am not going to drop all the sympathy lines... u know what is best for him.

JT - yeah... i am glad i dont have to face he 'when will it end' feeling. i will certainly continue to talk about my mom, as she always wants to be remembered. she must be happy so many ppl is reading about her.

Antabax - hello and welcome to AZAIG! thanks... when it comes, i never try to stop it... even when i am working in the office. thanks for dropping by...

kyliemc said...

things happen 4 a reason...perhaps u'll wanna change d end result but it's better 2 accept it d way it is..if ur mum were 2 survive but had 2 b bed-ridden, it's really torturing her. 2 feel herself as a burden 2 her family n perhaps being scolded by her loved ones when they were too stressed up wif work but still had 2 attend 2 her. she would hv wished she didnt open her eyes back then as she's ntg but a burden 2 her family...

*hugs*

it's ok 2 think of her frm time 2 time. u r a human afterall.ur mum is alwiz in ur heart n mind n tht's how she's still 'alive'...accompanying u when u need sum1's support,share ur triumphs n joys,b there 2 tell u tht it's ok 2 b sad n still miss her but dun let it affect ur life...

Manal said...

Sabar...(while virtually patting zewt's shoulder and back)....we all know it's been 3 mths since she left and we all know how miserable u have felt. Yet what we dont know is to what extent would the real emotional burden be that u had to carry on your shoulder. My humble guess would be for as long as you shall breathe, the memories will never fade away.

Now, there must be a lot of calories lost for thinking about ur dear mama. (re:of hiphop...)

democratic junkie said...

I salute you ZEWT for having the courage to reveal your thoughts about what might have been and leave yourself to the scrutiny of your readers. It takes alot of character to stick your head out and maybe thats why so many people like to read your stuff. Keep them coming!

Thumbs up and a hat tip to you.

Sincerely,
DJ

neno said...

hmmm..this is jus my tot..mayb ur mum noes u well..noes u well enough to not be a burden..perhaps tat's y she chose to leave..anyway, jus a random tot..

Cirnelle said...

My grandmother is a major stroke survivor. Definitely true, what you said. There are days when she said she wished she had died. Of course right after she says those things, all her kids will renew their vows and effort to care for her without complaining... inwardly at least. Outwardly, they would never admit to what you'd just described.

jaezrel said...

=) what if............

anigma said...

Thank you for this post. It serves as a reminder to those who still have their mothers with them whom they should cherish.

I have a friend whose grandmother reduced to paralysed state due to old age and some diseases. He and his brother took turns to take care of her till she died, some 3 years later. 3 years!!!!

Both brothers bathed her, feed her and changed her diapers. Their mom suggested to send her (mother-in-law) to the old folks but the twwo grandsons refused and offered to take up the task of taking care of their grandmoms. Where else could you find such selfless people?

me said...

ya, i guess it's best. for her and for you, that she took the easier route when the time came for her to leave. i remembered watching my grandma die, watching the reactions of the relatives from the prolonged sickness....it took so much out of everyone...including the sick.

"Joe" who is constantly craving said...

well life goes on..someone quoted something from somewhere.. there are only 3 days in a week.. yesterday which has passed and should not be looked at..mistakes have been done and cannot be undone and etc..instead look what you did today and what you are going to do tommorow..

you get the gist la..stay strong..july filing almost over d haha =)

ah nel said...

my mom oso paralyse after her cancer operation...everyday i saw my dad carrying her here and thre n my dad din work tat time...debt became more since he din work just to taking care of my mom...

think of the other side...god took my mom n ur mom away coz he noe in tis world we had so much burden...think of god wana help us took care of her...i think god sure will care her as much as we care...

anyhow human stil regret no matter how they think o cheat their feeling...even smts i tink of i angry wit my mom coz of small matter and she cant walk then ask me pass her smth but i don care just walk into the room...

anyhow...cheers man...

Huei said...

i've always wondered how things would be if my dad was still here, and i had to take care of him like that, i always thought that would be better, but now i realized...perhaps it's not

it's good u still remember her, walking down the memory lane is good, crying once in a while is good, at least she's glad that you still care about her so much =)

hikazew® said...

There is no wrong or right in every things you do. It depends on how strong a person is and how much he can handle.

If i were to end up paralysed, I would have wish myself dead too than having another beloved family painstakingly taking care of me.
But that's my point of view. Sorry if i offended any sensitive nerves.

I wish your mom a peaceful afterlife in heaven and i'm sure she is with God now and all her pains are gone.

P/s:On the other note, Zewt can i link your youtube " keluar dari msia" on my blog? If you dont feel good about it i can remove it.

Vern said...

Hi there, thanks for dropping by my blog. :)

Just dropping my two cents here. To me, our mind is like a mini video player. And memories of the people we love are always eternally stored in little 'memory videos'. This is so that anytime we feel like it, we just play, rewind, play, and do it all over again in our heads. These are videos no one can tamper, not even the Malaysian Censorship Board. :)

It's always good to look back, as long as it helps you to step forward.

Take care.

Rabbit said...

*gives zewt tissue*

Be strong!

aSstHa said...

hi zewt,

u know, thinking bout wat wud've been if she cud've been saved is good in it's own morbid way. cos it means u're halfway on the road to healing. cause if u tink of wat wud've happened u'd realise it was for the best :)

being a person who already had huge responsibily placed on me since a very young age. i know firsthand how bad d burden can be.

wen my brother, grandma and eldest aunt were alive, my sole goal was to earn enough money so that my mom can retire and i would bear the burden of taking care/providing for them. it even came to a point i decided i didn't want to get married cos look at it dis way, "who'd want to marry a person who has not one but 3 handicaps to look after".

finding a good man is already hard in our day n time. finding one who'll willingly take in my family members is near impossible.

i guess it all comes down to karma also. after their death, i realised they were not meant to be my burden.

why i say this? because i finally landed the job that'll enable me to provide (comfortably) for the family but each one of them left this world, slowly but surely as i made my mark (doesn't matter i didn't like the job, it was enough to provide for them)

wen dey left, i was lost for a moment cos they were my main focus in life. now they're gone and i hv to rethink my priorities and what i want in my life (imagine doing that when for over 20 years u knew ur own life takes a backseat and now u're back at the wheel)

P.S. Sorry. took up so much space again n i tink i sorta digress(no hangover today...hehe)

Anak Merdeka said...

There's so much empathy here for your bravery in pouring your heart out, and I must say it takes a lot of courage to speak the truth.

I know how hard it can be to have a sick parent that needs taking care of. It can be draining both financially and mentally to both the patient and the caregiver.

Grief and guilt takes a lot of energy out of a person - I hope you take care not to let it overwhelm you.

hippo said...

I felt the relief initially that mum was no longer suffering. But as time passes, I recognise resentment growing over the fact that she left too soon. Perhaps she could have lived to be 100 and it still would have been too soon.

elviza said...

Dearest Zewt,

Not many men can express their feelings as well as you did.

I ll read your walk down the memory lane any other old day my friend.

Take care

alan zed said...

only real men share their feelings, you are one of them. hang in there, bro. you are one strong soul. :)

jorji said...

brader.

Sumtime love tear us apart.
A few months to fully recover but keep the love alive.

I totally respect you and people who love their mother so much.

and i will kill for my mother.

Hor ny Ang Moh said...

Life go to go on! Anyway to forward to a better tomorrow. Have a nice day.

H.C. Tan said...

erm, hugz?

Happysurfer said...

Zewt, you must have been such a sweet son. Your little trip back memory aisle also brought me a tear. Life is to be lived forward and reminiscing about the good times makes one thankful and that can be therapeutic. Keep up the good vibes.

Helen said...

I applaud your honesty. :-)

For you to recall back and compare the what-ifs, is a good way to find the silver lining in the worst circumstances. I believe there are things to be thankful for no matter how bad the situation. It's the way you look at something that makes all the difference between constructive or destructive.

rinnah said...

When I read what you wrote, I couldn't help but see shades of myself. My selfish self. And I know that I could not be the type of person who could do that for a short term, much less be a long term care giver.

It's good that you are able to reflect on your mum's passing in all it's many different aspects and still be able to maintain perspective, even though it hurts. And I think you're doing well on the path out of it all. Chin up, zewt! *hugs*

zewt said...

kyliemc - yeah, i think it will be torturning not only for her, but for us. and i am sure she will also be sad for being a burden to us. but i cant help but think think of things i could have done if she is still around. she is still very much alive around me.

manal - yeah, for as long as i shall breath, in me she will live. today is indeed hip hop day and i hope i will hop enough to burn enough calories those dumplings i have been eating lately.

democratic junkie - hey, welcome again! yeah, it takes a lot of courage to voice out one's weaknesses. but i guess it will come when the time is right. thanks for droppin by again.

neno - yeah, actually she does. she never wanna burden her children.

cirnelle - i am sure what i described defines the inner feeling of those who are going thru the 'taking care' stage. i will give thanks i dont have to go thru that.

jaezrel - yes, what if...

anigma - wow... my hats off to that 2 grandsons... i never have the chance to get to know my grannies, which makes me respect them more.

zewt said...

me - i guess a peaceful instant death is a gift from the mighty One...

constant craver joe - very profound my friend. yeah, let us all learn how to live today with hope for tomorrow and without the regrets of yesterday. july filing is killing me.

ah nel - reading your story makes me think of the what-if even more. i certainly dowan my mom to leave us with me feeling very much hate. i would rather feel sorrow and her leaving me with a longing heart. hope you will be able to see things from the other side too.

Huei - yeah, like i said to 'me'... a peaceful instant death is actually a give from above. imagine having to suffer and die... that would not be a good ending.

hikazew - thanks for your words of comfort. as for the link... u can link directly from youtube... unless u wanna link my entry too. anyhow... both are welcome.

Vern - hello and welcome to my blog too. very good analogy you have there. i guess i will keep this mini video tape of mine and play it as and when i need it, as and when i want it. thanks for droppin by.

Rabbit - thanks..

Aniston said...

I've received a comment from u in my blog and I'm still wondering if I know you. Please drop me an email and identify yourself. Would like to get to know mroe about you cos I find that your blog is interesting. Do drop me a line at kathryneyeoh@hotmail.com

zewt said...

aSstHa - i think what i have been thru is nothing compared to yours and with that, my hats off to you. so have you found what you want in life yet? hopefully you will finally be able to see what's the sole thing you need and want. and no worries about taking too much space... i appreciate long comments.

anak merdeka - i think it takes more maturity and humility to speak the heart. a man should not have ego... then a man can do it.

hippo - hi and welcome. did she leave in a sudden? if she did, then i can surely relate to that. thanks for visitin.

elviza - thanks for those words. it cannot be anymore encouraging. thanks...

alan zed - thanks bro... you're also sharing your feelings quite well at your space.

jorji - i think many will kill for their mother. thanks for your words of comfort my friend.

zewt said...

hor ny - thanks man...

HC Tan - thanks.

happysurfer - i shall... but good vibes is only good when once in a while... we look at the bad ones. right?

Helen - thanks... yeah, it's the reaction and the response analogy that will determine whether it's constructive or destructive.

rinnah - yeah, i am sure all of us cannot be in that position for long. it will break us one day... or it will drain us emotionally.... develop hatred. admitting it is a good start. yeah... chin up i will...

Aniston - hi there, welcome! thank you for your e-mail, I will drop you a note when possible. and thanks for dropping by.

V said...

Hey bro.

I know this is kind of late and all, but you have my deepest sympathies. Stay strong, man. I know your mum is watching over you.

Kenny Mah said...

Reading your post and your comments, like asstha's, made me realise how fortunate I am and I need to count my blessings more often...

Just got off the phone with my Mom and it's good just to hear her voice. Will be back home in Melaka this weekend with my honeymooner friends + Nisa... Glad I'm still able to do this.

You be strong, bro, nay, you are strong. Cheers.

zeroimpact said...

We are all selfish
No matter what and how much you try to put it

Rashikaps said...

Hey Zewt,
Deeply moving post! My heart is heavy and I have a lump in my throat. I'm reminded of my grand mom.
Like I had mentioned before, my grand mom was partially paralyzed post the stroke. She died a very painful death.
Thank the Lord, your mom went away in peace. More power to you.

ehon said...

Again, I agree with you. Why lar you always have to make me wanna cry? Haihs. It's no doubt that she's one of the best mothers in the world. Sighs. I can only imagine her watching from above smiling. Mothers. They're the best.

mott said...

I'm sure your mom cried the rain today.. knowing you miss her so much. She'll want you to live your life to the max..and of course, continue 'talking' to her.

take care.

ah nel said...

soli if i make u tink more but tat my opinion...but anyhow all i can say is everything too late for us regret but im definately sure our mom nvr ever blame us on wat we did...
remember as every human same coz we will nvr appreciate when we had it...when we loose it we will feel regret...
for me smts i see the other side but human owes change coz smts it will make us tink bout bad side oso...

Seok Thong said...

When i read this post, it reminds me too when i took care of my grandma. I feel really sad always when i see her can't walk at that moment. Everytime when i took care of hear, my tears will automatically come out. Not because i feel burden, it's because i saw her sick. But in the end, she just passed away peacefully.

I still miss her and cry when i think of her eventhough it's already been 2 years since she passed away.

Stay strong!

zewt said...

V - Never too late bro...

Kenny Mah - yeah, reading her comments also make me feel much blessed. but our hearts go to her, she must have been thru a lot. have fun in melaka... yumm... all the good food.

zeroimpact - i couldnt agree more.

Rashikaps - yeah, as i read all the comments, i am convinced more and more that it was for the better of everything... everyone.

ehon - sorry ler... didnt mean it :) i cried too...

mott - i certainly will. thanks :)

ah nel - no worries about reminding me. it's ok. yeah, we will only cherish one thing when it's gone. and then it's gone in a sudden... it's even worse.

Seok Thong - people in passing will always stay in our memories for all times. :)

ah nel said...

sure worse when its sudden...after my mom had dinner she sitting on the chair with her mouth smile and suddenly i felt weird coz she din moved at all...i went over touch her hand n its so cold then i saw her underneath her finger nails its black so i told my dad...

sudden reli worse coz even i wana say sory of wat i did oso cant...

mar said...

My two-cents...no one can ever be as selfless as a mother...there's a saying..."a mother can take care of 10 children,but can 10 children take care of 1 mother?"...not being judgemental or anything...just wanted to share that...
And I'm sure if it had come to that (paralyse I mean),you would no doubt be the son that she has always been and will always be proud of...remember that she's watching over you and wants you to be happy and that she loves you...=)
Take care...

Jemima said...

This post takes me beyond words.

You know why..

Have a good weekend, Zewt.

kyliemc said...

she is still is still around as long as u remember her. u can still do things 2 make her proud,b it ur career, r/ship or other matters of life. she'll b able 2 feel it..

*hugs*

take care n stay strong 4 d ones who care 4 u...ur mum wont want u 2 dwell on her death 4 too long.it'll break her heart 2 c her son being so sad n live in 'wat if'..

AngryYoungChild said...

Hmm..hugs~ =) Family passing away is what i've been thru since i was borned..As painful as it is, I realized somebody's Death brings a family together or even somebody to life.

My dad passed away, then my family got together really closely after that. And my uncle accepted Christ. Later on, my grandma accepted Christ too. And for that, I thank God. And this whole thing make me stronger than alot of the teenagers my age.

I hope you'll be strong too zewt! =) Will say a little prayer for ya hehe..=p

may said...

that's such an honest post. if I were in your position, I'd feel the same, too. it's not being selfish. it's, like you said, being human. hugs for you.

Bena said...

:(
I could not imagine losing my mum. I am sorry... stay strong dude!

piggy said...

I understand exactly how you feel. When my Granny had a stroke and was left paralysed 2 years ago, my Mum and I had to take care of her cause that's the only thing we could do for her. I had some selfish moments that 3 weeks before she passed on but my Mum, she selflessly sacrifice her time to visit Granny at the hospital and try to make her feel comfortable. Sure, my Mum did felt frustration and at times, she was close to breaking down but nevertheless, she just plodded on taking care of her only parent and making sure that Granny's last few days were at least somewhat comfortable.

I really admire what my Mum did for my Granny. I don't think I would be able to do what my Mum did without feeling anger, annoyance and frustration many times a day. Of course after Granny passed on, I had my bouts of regrets, all the "what ifs" and "should haves". I still cry a little whenever I think about Granny but life goes on. We humans tend to be stronger than we look. As long as you keep your Mum lovingly in a place in you, she will never be forgotten.

Be strong and God bless you.

zewt said...

ah nel - if you know that... perhaps you can change your perspective a bit and be nicer to your mom from now on...i know it's hard... but just try.

mar - thanks mar for your kind words. it's good to know she will smile at what i am doing now.

Jemima - i guess i know... hope things with your mom improves.

kyliemc - yeah, i know she will not want to see me sad. but i guess she will smile i always remember her.

AngryYoungChild - Wow... 2 souls received salvation!!! that's really really great news. I guess God is indeed too great for us to fathom. thanks for your prayer.

may - thanks may. being honest is tough... but i think you did it too.

Bena - thanks Bena...

piggy - hey there and welcome to my space. let me tell you one thing... touch wood but if the same happens to your mom, i am very very sure you will do the same. i am sure you bears much kindness from your mom.

Fiona the confusing girl... said...

It's ok to think about your mom and talk about her, you can always do it everytime. Honestly when my grandma was suffering from torture of cancer us all grandchildren and my mom and aunts visit her almost every single day. My off day was once a week so whenever i off i need to visit and accompany her for few months, at first i felt so troublesome, But when my grandma passed away..I felt so regret for thinking that way as well missed her so much till now..

zewt said...

fiona - sorry to hear about your granny. i guess such experience do make us look at life differently...