Saturday, 24 March 2007

Some of mom's wishes...

Mom was cremated today. As a Christian having such a strong Buddhist mom, the battle between faith and hope in my mind is quite overwhelming. But I believe mom is already at a higher place, beyond the clouds, amongst the holies, and safe in the hands of God.

Took a short nap when I reached home, after doing another round of laundry. I think I am beginning to like this laundry thing. Woke up and noticed my siblings were looking for treasures around the house. While cousin is still around, we want to let her see which of mom’s stuff is for her. Not that we are looking to distribute her stuff so soon but cousin will be leaving tonight and she is the only person who knows my mom’s unspoken will.

Mom is a fan of jade, typical Chinese. She has actually bought a lot of jade bracelet, one for all of our ‘partners’. She showed my sister all the jade bracelets a while back, and my sis said we all wouldn’t like it. I mean, who in the world likes old fashioned jade bracelet in this era.

“Lei mo lei ngo la, ngo jong yi mai bei hui dei. Jo gei lim” was mom’s reply to sis.
(Don’t care la. I like to buy for them, it’s for remembrance)

There’s actually one for sis, my soon-to-be-wife, my bro’s future wife, all my cousins and a few extras which we will give to her good temple friends. ... Mom wants to be remembered by everyone.

“Oh, these are for your children,” cousin pointed at 2 jade pendants, and handed them to me. My children? ... Mom wants her grandchildren to know her.

“This is for your wife,” cousin pointed at a very beautiful diamond pendant. “To be given to her during the tea ceremony”. ... Mom wants to be remembered during that moment.

“Oh, I think your mom wants to use this to make a baju kebaya, don’t know for who, can’t recall,” cousin pointed at some fabrics. I held it up, felt like silk. My sis never mentioned anything about wanting a baju kebaya. Then, it hit me. I vaguely recall Julia telling me that she would like to have a kebaya and I made a “passing comment” to my mom about it. Mom remembers every single word I said.

As cousin continued to identify which is for who, I realised mom really had it all planned out. Mom really does know she is going to leave us. And most importantly, I believe mom does not want to be forgotten, mom wants to be remembered. And mom did all she could to be stay in our memories. For those with deceased parents… do you remember their date of demise?

I think being forgotten was one of mom’s greatest fears. Cousin said mom disagreed with me going to China to work early last year. I think mom was really afraid that I will forget about her. Of course, that is not true. But mom, in her simple mind, she just want to be close to her children.

Cousin also said that night that mom actually called her at 12am the day I left for China, mom couldn’t sleep. She was worried, not knowing whether I will be able to find my way in China since I do not speak a word of Mandarin then. Also, she was afraid that I will not have enough to eat, no blanket… ya’ know, that kinda thing.

Mom is just so… mom.

Knowing all these really make my heart breaks into a million pieces which will take some time to recover. And knowing that I could have done something made it worse. I want to find out who is that Chinese sen-sei that diagnosed my mom, to which mom didn’t inform us. I want to find out what exactly was said to mom, and wonder mom did any follow up. I think I should do that to be in peace with myself. Otherwise, I will never be able to let this go.

Wish me luck.

P/S: About starting new blog for my mom, I think I will do away with that for now, already quite taxing with one blog. I will put it all in a “book - A 2nd chance with mom”, regardless of whether it will get published or not.

20 comments:

Bengbeng said...

Give yourself time to grief...it will take time.forget about new blog or anything that will remind you of her for the time being..you can do that later if you wish..take care brother...God bless

may said...

good luck and God bless, zewt.

5xmom.com said...

Writing is the most therapeutic thing for bereaved parties. I have a site of my son and I think I spent RM400 per month on tmnet dial-up to learn html to make a webpage for him on Yahoo Geocities. It gets easier, harder, easier and only time can make things easier. So, you can either make a special dedication for your mom or use this blog to express and treasure those memories. (I have two sites, one for my son and one for bereaved parents, mostly on my sidebar)

freelunch2020 said...

hey there...:D take care ok :D n no worries about the top post on my blog..your post really reminded me about my mom..n i am esp nice to her since then....sometimes we need writers like u to jolt us out of our routine~~n taking ppl esp family for granted....

Huei said...

your mum loves you and your siblings so much.
I know it must be beyond painful to see the things that she has long prepared, but at least it can fulfill her wishes, to be remembered.

do whatever you can now, don't stress yourself over another blog, just do all you can, your mum will love you as much.

Winn said...

mandarin: 'shi shang zhi you ma ma hao'

it's true:)

jun said...

Hi, there. I'm so sorry to make that stupid mistake. I already changed it. Pls accept my apologize.

About, the video clip I dunno how to do it. Sorry about that. I just found it on youtube. The song is "The Scientist" by Coldplay.

Btw, it should be my honor to be visited by you. I mean my blog. Hope you will be strong. Hang in there. God has his own way in his planning.

Angel said...

i just heard... my deepest & sincerest condolence on your loss. needless to say this is very difficult time for you & your family. my thoughts & prayers are with you. stay strong ok? & may God be with you.

angel said...

I'm relieved to know that she's been cremated safely...she'll rest in peace in the 'house' you got for her... she'll proudly tell everyone, "Ngor cai mai pei ngor geh..."
:)

Gee, looks like I've got a twin here... *points on top* :D

Have a good rest...

mistipurple said...

do what you need, at your pace.
it is going to be normal to swing between insanely painful days and bearable ones. but time will take away some of its intensity. but you might not want to forget the intensity too, cos that's one way of coping with the loss. total conflicting emotions. anyway, i know you'll be strong. you have the love of your mom to keep you going. she will want you to be strong, especially so since she loves you this much. so you will be strong, for her too! take care!
bloggiefriends are here 24 hrs round!
*waves to your mom in heaven/holier grounds/way above the clouds!*

kyh said...

gv urself a good rest. tomorrow's gonna be a better day. :)

Calvin's Wife said...

do whatever you think is necessary for you to remember her, your mom is so 'sai sum'... generous and kind hearted, she'll be peaceful in heaven.. :)

Take good care of yourself... nuthing is as important as your health now... :)

Kata Tak Nak said...

Would a mom who loves her son want him to live his life in regrets? The biggest favour you could do her soul is to not regret what is not done. If it is really forgiveness that you seek, believe me she has long forgiven you. Think of only the nice things of your life with her. If you have regrets, just don't repeat them with others.

rational thinker said...

my friend, i just come back to your blog today. I wont say i know the grief of losing a mom, but tears flow down my cheek reading your post.

Take care dude.

Fiona the confusing girl... said...

I'm sure ur mom are at a peaceful place..Honestly i felt ur mom so brave cause she can kept everything from letting you guy's know, she so "wai tai" and also so "sai sam" Writing does help u express and also can keep everything in memory, If you wanna post in this blog about ur mom i'll surely read it, if u wanna write a book please send me 1 in future, Coz i wanna taught my self to cherished everything since my "popo" leaved us..Take care my friend,,me this blogger friend will surely be there for u..

Kenny Mah said...

Take some time to rest when you can, bro, and when you are all refreshed again, you can begin to put all these memories into your book as you've said, a remembrance for your mom so she is never forgotten.

I believe she's smiling from wherever she is now, at your thoughtfulness and your efforts to commemorate her.

TTL! said...

ah long time no read ur blog.. and when i read it i see something so sad. my condolences mister zewt

Anonymous said...

i feel the pain that you are feeling now. You have to be strong to bring the family through this. But i respect your mummy.. She was a courageous woman after reading your blog and so you should be one too. :) Hang in there!

Kenny Ng said...

Get more rest, then only write about it. I can feel the pain, if I were you I really can't take it. You are really strong.

Landed_Angel said...

My deepest condolence to you and your family for the lost of your mother.. As you mentioned, often we took HER for granted; and most of the time, too proud to admit that we love her.

Best wishes for you and be strong for there are long way for us to go (your mom will be very proud of you)