Wednesday, 28 March 2007

The week that’s been

It’s exactly a week ago, today, that we pulled the plug. Time passes so fast, I don’t really have the chance to fully grasp all that has happened. A week just passed by like a flash, and it has been a week since I last heard mom’s nagging. And for the first time in my life, I miss it very much.

It has been a week of many 1st, for instant, it was the first time I saw my dad cried. Temper is his trademark emotion during his younger days, I have never seen his sorrow, but I saw it that day at the ICU when the doctor informed us that mom is beyond any medical help.

Speaking of tears, it was the first time my whole family wept together… all of us by mom’s bedside. I really wonder if she can truly hear us, I have to believe that she does. Otherwise, mom would not have heard all that I told her in the hospital that day.

It was also the first time I spent a week away from office and wish that I have worked instead. I am willing to go through any level of stress or unreasonable deadlines in exchange for another 1 minute with mom.

It was the first time that I think that all I have achieved in my life is utterly futile. A man can gain the world but if he failed to express his love to the person he loved, it means absolutely nothing.

It was the first time I went hours after hours without sleep due to reason other than work. I guess you know I do spend a lot of time at work… in the past. It’s amazing where I managed to gather that amount of energy.

It was the first time my faith is put to the test, and I think I coped well. Yeah, I did performed certain Buddhist ritual, but in my heart, I am not worshipping any other god, the true God remains in me, and when I bowed down, I did it in honour and respect to my mom. Why constraint ourselves to the rigidity of ridiculous religious rules and forget our responsibility as a son towards our parents?

And it was indeed, the first time I realised my mom has always been there for me, loved me in a way that no one else could have done… and I am thankful for that. As cirnelle put it in her comments… mom has always helped me in my studies and other achievements by taking care of all the other things. So I can't really say mom never helped me in my studies.

There are many other 1st, but I think that’ll be all for now. Spoke to someone today and that someone said I should start writing about social stuff again. Well, perhaps I should. Of course, I will still write about my mom on and off. After all, I really enjoy writing about her.

So… making jokes of otherstrafficsocietysome morons... the G… anyone?

44 comments:

Johnson Tee said...

Now that all that needs to be done has been done, pick up your life and do your best this point forward!

Keep your mom in your memory at all times and make her proud!

MissSHopaHolic said...

i understand how you feel.. i lost my dad 3 years back.. i was doing my A'levels back then.. Its not easy to give voice for anyone who is grieving, but somehow i know how it feels to lose someone dear to you.. the pain never truly goes away, it just gets smaller and condensed, tucked away in a corner somewhere in the deep recesses of the heart… though memories are there .. they are often painful and sometimes… just sometimes they just begin to fade away.. god rest her soul..

cyen said...

the pain will remain there for sometime, but don't get too depressed over it. You'll be fine.....life goes on.

angel said...

The first half of this entry, my heart wept...

The last sentence made me smile...

*continues to cheer you on*
:)

lakeside girl said...

Like all things in this universe, we are destined from birth to diverge. Time is simply the yardstick of our separation. If we are particles in a sea of distance, exploded from an original whole, then there is a science to our solitude. We are lonely in proportion to our years.

-The Rule Of Four

Time will heal all things, Zewt. Peace be with you.

april said...

blog what u want to blog lor. since u have so many supporters here who come to ur site everyday.. ahemm. :P

zewt said...

Johns - yeah, she will always remain in my memory... for all time.

MissSHopaHolic - hey, welcome here. sorry to hear about your dad. guess everyone just have to go through this in their life. and you lost him at such a young age. i guess i should be glad mom was with me till my late 20s. but i dont think i want her to fade away though...

cyen - yeah, thanks. i know what you mean.

angel - yeah, behold... i will be back soon.

lakeside girl - there have been words beautifully written in this blog lately, yours one of them.

april - and i must thank all of them... including you. :)

jun said...

I think u should write about ur mom but in the meantime u can write about the usual things that u used to write. Writing help ones to heal better and faster. Express all the things into words. Words is the most amazing tools to heal from heartache.

Neo said...

Be strong. :)

me said...

i dunno....it's hard to write about something else when the only thing in yr mind is yr mum. for the sake of entertaining yr readers? it's just one week of posts on remembering yr mum. if they can't take that, shuck them.

Huei said...

she definately heard what you said to her. :)

Princess Eileen said...

Hey Zewt, finally China decided to unblock blogspot. Well, take care and you should be happy to know that God is taking good care of your mum now. And your mum will always be with you, looking over for you.

zeroimpact said...

Yes, respect and worshipping is two different thing
To know the difference beats those that just follows blindly
:)
Do what you want to and do not be dictated by others

Hor ny Ang Moh said...

Hallo! Life have to go on, just like u have to do laundry, only now u r doing it yourself. Have a nice day.

zewt said...

jun - hey bro... yeah, i know what you mean. i will still continue to write about mom... shall not forget her totally.

neo - will do.

me - calm down my friend. i know what you're going through. i am not going to stop writing about my mom... will definitely continue.

huei - i certainly believe so...

princess eileen - welcome back. i am sure she will... she will never stop looking after me.

zeroimpact - yeah... as long as i can answer to myself... that's good enough.

hor ny ang moh - there're much more to do than just laundry.

Manal said...

Berat mata memandang, berat lagi bahu yang memikul...

Despite those clash of opinions and petty bickerings, the amazing part is all of ur family members loved her to bits. Thats good,right? Ibu yang baik gitu. Maybe pouring ur heart out thru writing serves as a natural therapy for u. Rather than going on a blog hiatus, kita tahan jer la reading those bereavement entries until Zewt gets to be cool, calm and collected on his own once again, betul tak zewt?

On a 2nd thought, u r actually contributing to the social service by instigating on loving our mother more and more when she's around.

cibol said...

mom's always a gem ..
be strong dude .. she'll continue the blessings that she gave u ever since u were born ..

King's wife said...

Time will heal and life goes on. You have a good head on your shoulders.You'll be fine.

gRaCe said...

Zewt,
u can write whatever you want..it's ur blog. we will always be here to read ur entries. ;o)

p/s: btw..have the The Star paid u your rm50?? i saw the parking photo u sent in. heheh...^_^

QueenB said...

It may sound hackneyed but time does heal all wounds; soldier on, young man!

thugwar said...

"Mom is an angel in our life"

She will be there for you and you will be reunited with her in heaven....one day.

Be strong....and move on with your life. she is looking from up there and will always protect you and your family.....

angele said...

Our faith is always put to the test in such painful situations.

When my dad passed away my mom lost all faith.She closed herself to the world and up to now I know she still hasn't recovered from her loss.
Actually we never fully healed from losing a close family member =(

But no matter wat I'm sure that your mom is watching over u and is proud of her son.

There's this song from Il Divo,"Mama"...A great tribute to a great woman

=)

Take care

TTL! said...

im not sure whether if this will work for u or not but when im sad i try to think of something to make myself angry to distract myself haha. distraction

zewt said...

manal - haha...tak payah tahan, zewt akan kembali ke tulisan asalnya tidak lama lagi. kini menunggu ilham.

cibol - thanks man.

king's wife - good to see you here again. thanks, i shall keep that head on my shoulders.

grace - they have not paid me ler... have not even call me. usually they will call first to confirm.

QueenB - soldier on i shall.

thugwar - i am sure she will, she has always been a family person, will never leave us behind.

angele - i found that song... it's really nice. hope your mom will recover somehow. you may be right... it will never be fully healed, but may God grant us strength to carry on.

Winn said...

errmm.. ok i shall start writing abt my dog again:P

take care zewt. dont wory i enjoy your pieces on your mom. you've spelled out a lot of little little details which i have neglected. and that serve as a 'reminder' for us..and you make us 'see' ....thanks

Winn said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
baby sa said...

it's glad to see that you're fine right now:)
that's zewt:)

may said...

keep up the spirit, zewt. and keep on writing, whether it's about your dear mom or just a rant. it feels good to have it all out, yea? :)

bongkersz said...

keep on zewting bwahahaha! i like most of your posts man, you write really well. you are good at expressing you feelings. your blog is one of the few that i must read everyday now!! :D

zewt said...

winn - aiyah... you everything also about your dog la... well, i will keep on reminding you! hah!

baby sa - not completely yet but i am getting there. however, it will never be completely healed...

bongkerz - oh man... what's too flaterring. thanks for the support.

zewt said...

may - oh... ter-miss you. yeah, it has been a good release... and reading them is a good reminder. i still read back my post once in a while. still bring tears to my eyes.

angele said...

Just in case u want to see the video song clip also here is the link:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=IDEq4tKWRtE

=)

angele said...

Ooops I gave u the wrong link!!!The one above is not a very gud video.

Here let me give u this one.I checked it out and this one is ok =)

http://youtube.com/watch?v=_n7gcdjscZY&mode=related&search=

Fiona the confusing girl... said...

Blog whatever you feeling you wanna blog! And i trying to blog as much as possible..I'm sure after your mom incidence, at the very least you'll spend time with your family and also will cherished each other more. I'm sure you mom was 'watching' over you all the time..so just be yourself and cherished everyone around you..Take care my friend..(^_^)

thugwar said...

Mama - IL DIVO

Mama thank you for who I am
Thank you for all the things I'm not
Forgive me for the words unsaid
And for the times
I forgot
Mama remember all my life
You showed me love,you sacrificed
Think of those young and early days
How I've changed
Along the way (along the way)
Bridge:
And I know you believed
And I know you had dreams
And I'm sorry it took all this time to see
That I am where I am because of your truth
And I miss you , I miss you
Mama forgive the times you cried
Forgive me for not making right
All of the storms I may have caused
And I've been wrong
Dry your eyes (dry your eyes)
Bridge : Cause I know you ....
Mama I hope this makes you smile
I hope you're happy with my life
At peace with every choice I made
How I've changed
Along the way (along the way)
Cause I know you believed in all of my dreams
And I owe it all to you ,mama

This song is dedicated to all our loving mom......

zewt said...

angele - thanks for the video... it's really nice. speaks much of my heart at the moment.

fiona the confusing girl - yeah, i am sure she will. am definitely going to let my blog lose... but must be a 'responsible' blogger says our PM.

thugwar - thanks for the lyrics. wish i can sing it one day.

Anonymous said...

Zewt, I was crying my eyes out after reading your blog. I came to know your blog thru' 5xmom's. It makes me reflect on my relationship with my mother. It just like you and your mother. It makes me cherish her more. Thanks Zewt and you take good care of yourself.

Wan

zewt said...

anonymous aka wan - hello there, welcome here. thanks for reading my entries. i am glad that it touches you in a special way. indeed, we all take a lot of things for granted. but our mothers deserve all the love and respect they can get. i wish you well in your journey with your mom...

Tunku Halim said...

Zewt - they says there's a time for everything. I guess it's time for reflection right now. Contemplation and remembrance. Mum will always be with you.

zewt said...

thanks Tunku for your kind words. I am very sure mom will be there with me.... always.

Big Rice said...

i know what u mean by not being able to take another death.

Grieving is a painful process yet inevitable.

May you be strong to go through this period.

^_^

zewt said...

Big Rice - thanks for your kind words.

ehon said...

thanks for reminding me again that i am nothing without my mum. thanks for writing all these because you don't know how many lives you've changed. thank you.

i believe your mum heard you, because she did, she is and she will.

thank you.

zewt said...

ehon - hi there. welcome to my blog. thank you for your kind words. i am glad my words made a difference in some lives, and i sincerely hope many people will truly appreciate their loved ones, and never take them for granted.