Wednesday, 21 March 2007

Dear Mommy

One would wonder why I still have the energy to blog today. But I want to remember today.

While on my way home, my brother called.

“Mom fainted… come back now”

When I reached home, mom was already very much unconscious. While one of her eyes was still open, she was not responding to any of our calls. I knew I have to send her to the hospital immediately. My brother was with me, my father, as always, afraid to go to the hospital.

I drove like a man possessed, and after admitting my mom, I waited patiently for the doctor to come.

“She has a stroke”. That’s what the doctor told me after some initial diagnosis. Further examination and he sent my mom to do a CT scan. “Urgent” he said. That doesn’t sound good at all.

The doctor-on-call came about an hour later and he showed me the films. One of the blood vessels in my mom’s head has burst and she is having bleeding in her brain. The blot clot is pressing against right brain and thus, she is half paralysed. “It doesn’t look good”, he said.

After examining her, he transferred my mom to ICU and asked for the neuro surgeon to come. I was asked to wait outside the ICU. As I saw some nurses running into the ward, I walked past the entrance that said “staff only”.

I saw it in front of me, my mom, lifeless, and the doctors were trying to revive her. I shed my first tear of the night… and since then, my tears kept flowing. It has been a long time since I cried, but how I wish I don’t have to cry in this circumstance.

“The brain is bleeding out fast, she is now breathing with the help of a machine, she will last 2-3 days”. From that moment onwards, my life changed forever.

Ya’ know, so many times my mom said we took her for granted, and we never appreciate her, and that when the day comes when we want to take her out and make her happy, she might be gone. She was right. And it will be the biggest regret of my life.

I cried and slapped myself trying to recall what her last words to me were. I struggled and it was only till a few moments ago, I remembered. She called to ask whether the 3 loaves of bread I brought back from a charity event were edible. She went and bought us “long yuk” when I answered yes.

“Sik tuck keh” (can be eaten)…. Those were my last 3 words to her.

Mommy, I am sorry I fail to appreciate you.
I am sorry I shouted at you so many times, insisting that you don’t understand me.
I am sorry I didn’t take you to see the right doctor, as I only told u to do it yourself.
I am sorry that you’ve cooked and I never inform you if I am not back for dinner
I am sorry I never help you with housework. Now, I have to do it all myself.
I am sorry for all the things I should’ve done but didn’t.
I am sorry, I am so so so sorry.
How I wish you can hear me right now, but I know you would rather have me doing the right things in life than to be sorry with all the things I failed to do.

I want to remember today. I want to remember the last dinner that my mom cooked, to which I eat with tears.
Thank you mom for the dinner, it has always been the best meal though I never said so.

But most of all… mommy, sorry for not being a good son. But I know you still love me. And I will forever remember this day.

Mommy, I am sorry

69 comments:

Dienasty said...

Zewt, no smile is more beautiful than the one that struggles through tears.

God be with you and your family. Us bloggers may not be with you physically, but our hearts reach out to you.

Scorpe said...

Zewt, So sorry to hear about what happened to your mom. Our thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Please take care, Bro.

SuLee said...

Many *Hugzz* - ur a good son, I dont know you personally or for that long. but I know that your a good person. dont be too harsh on yourself...this moment will come in everyone's life.

Stay strong..

Tunku Halim said...

Zewt - my thoughts go out to you in this very difficult heartbreaking time.

You've been a son, acted like a son, not bad at all. The fact that you love your mum says everything...

Maxforce said...

My condolences and deepest sympathy bro. Take care, okay?

angel said...

My thoughts are with you...
*hugs*
Be strong...

Theodwyn said...

I'm sorry to hear about your mom. My heart and thoughts go out to you. You're a good person Zewt, we know it and your mom knows it. Don't take it out on yourself, just be there for her.

Take care and many hugs. You're in our thoughts.

Jessica said...

Zewt,
I'm sorry to hear about your mum. Will continue to keep you and your family in my prayers.

"HEAR THE PRAYER WE OFFER"
Father, hear the prayer we offer;
Not for ease that prayer shall be.
But for strength that we may ever
Live our lives courageously.
Not forever in green pastures
Do we ask our way to be,
But the steep and rugged pathway
May we tread rejoicingly.
Not forever by still waters
Would we idly quiet stay,
But would smite the living fountains
From the rocks along the way.
Be our strength in hours of weakness;
In our wanderings be our guide;
Through endeavour, failure, danger,
Father be Thou at our side. Amen.

Huei said...

My deepest condolences, Zewt.

Be strong, your mum's at a better place now.

*hUgZ*

Anonymous said...

Zewt,

It takes courage to pen down one's thoughts. It takes humility to admit one's failure. In every human relationship, there is bound to be ups and downs.

But are you a bad person or a non-filial son? I don't think so.

We are all human so don't be too hard on yourself.

Do take care and I'll keep your family and you in prayers.

flaminglambo said...

I'm sorry to hear. Shocked even. My prayers are with you bro. Stay strong and I hope your mom pulls through.

Anonymous said...

no one can ever be prepared for this. do what you have to do, cry, blog or scream to face this difficulty. i pray that you and your family find strength & pull through this testing times.

Economist said...

Sorry to hear bout it Bro.

Just take the remaining days to be at her side. She will feel your presence.

I have also experienced this many years back...in the 80s...Maybe i was too young to understand it....But i know what you r goin thru....Take care....

Kenny Mah said...

Dear Zewt,

I'm sad for your loss, and a bit shocked. Can't think of much to say except that you and your family will be in my prayers.

Here's a poem I wrote for my friend Manuel when his Dad passed away suddenly five years ago. Hope it gives some degree of comfort.

~ YOU WILL NEVER LEAVE HIM ~
You will always be beautiful to him
You will never change
As tender as the sun
Your arms will always wrap around him
As constant as the moon
You will stand close and look over him.

They will always honour you
For you are honourable
A stronger man this earth never held
Nor more honest a priest ever knelt
You took grains of nothing
And from your hands came everything:
Stength, Humility and Integrity
You have given him all that.

You will be there at his wedding
You will bless his bride standing by his side
Knowing she will be good to him, and he to her
You smile, for they will be good for each other
And his children will know
The love you have for this family
Your family.

I know you cannot stay
But nothing will ever make you go away.

You will never leave him.

Diane said...

Zewt, my heart breaks as I read this post. Please don't be too hard on yourself, I think we all mess up in this area.

God is in control. Bless you. (hugs)

zeroimpact said...

Sorry to hear of this
I know of what you say
You have been, well, you and your mum knows that you love her
Stay strong there and if you need an ear, just buzz me
Take care there...

gRaCe said...

Zewt, my worst fear in life has come to you.. I'm so sorry this has to happen to you. when i read ur comments in TH's blog, the 1st thing i wanted to do was to call u up to see how's everything...then i realized i dun hav ur contact.

dun blame urself...u've been a good son. Like diane said, we all messed up here and there in this area..

your mum will be in my prayers.. let's all pray for a miracle to happen..

*hugs*

kay-el said...

tuck,

No words can make you feel better now. But GOD has always lay out a path for all of us to go through. Now, HE has a much bigger plan for her.

Likewise, HE also has a plan for you here. Make HIM proud. Make your mum proud.

The council will always be there for you. We are ready should you need us.

kay-el

Kak Teh said...

zewt, I am back to be with my mum for a few days and reading your entry, I feel that a few days is certainly not enough to spend with someone who has given us everything unconditionally. Be strong Zewt - this moment comes to us all. I too blogged about my mum and how helpless I feel now.
Take care.

dy said...

i don't know what to say to make you feel better. i'm never good at comforting people. after reading this entry, i can almost feel how you felt.

be strong.

my thoughts will be with you.

dr_blur said...

tuck,

take heart bro, God has His plan.
A plan for your mum and yourself.
Remember that He's always in control.
Yes, the council will be behind you, all the way.

Stay Blessed;

dr_blur

rqn said...

Hei Zewt,

Hang on tight and don't cease in your prayers and petitions. We will pray for your mum, you and your family. Be strong and take courage. Do not fear or be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you and He will show the way.

A life of regret is a life living in the past. That's why Jesus gave us Hope for the future and a better way.

Love and prayers,
rqny

teetwoh said...

Really sorry to hear that. Perhaps you will, very shortly, be equipped to comfort those who lose a parent.

Allied said...

Zewt, my prayers goes out to you and as I read your last para, I too shed tears.
Remember it all, for she played a very important roll in your bringing up.

My blog dedicates the next post to your mum.

Kind regards,
Tony Yew

yeechinn said...

hey
so sorry abt ur mom..
take care n be strong

kenninaz said...

the burning question we all have now is "why".
"why? why? why?"
but rather than asking a "why", we should all be asking "what now". in the end, what matters is not to blame yourself for things you failed to do. what matters is to honour the memory of what is lost, and to do what is right.

[quote]
How I wish you can hear me right now, but I know you would rather have me doing the right things in life than to be sorry with all the things I failed to do.
[unquote]

how are you going to honour the right things?
how are you going to care for those who are left behind?
what are you going to do about it?
what now?

life on earth is only - as zewt's tagline says - "as good as it gets". there is a better place waiting for us all.
you only get one shot at life. make it count.
we're all here if you need us.

Kata Tak Nak said...

Zewt, I know that at times like this you will not write to impress and yet when after reading I can feel your sadness, your regrets, your helplessness and though you may not say it but I can hear your silent hope, I know you are not a bad son. You should know that. I have been through it but this is not the time, maybe another time. Just be there and remember you are not a bad son. My prayers to your mom.

Calvin's Wife said...

Dear Zewt,

My deepest condolence to you and your family. Be a stronger man, now. Do not be afraid, it is part of the life cycle... *hugs*

Evelyn

Terra Shield said...

My condolences to you and your family. Take care...

eileen said...

I read about your lost thru a fren's site...I am truly sorry for your lost Alvern. I'm sure you mom is very touched and couldn't ask for a better son than you :) God Bless you with strength thru this period...

Someone who is constantly craving said...

Hey..my condolences..im sure your mom would be happy where ever she is..and would want you guys to be happy too..take care..

King's wife said...

My heart sank reading this. I'm so, so sorry. Be strong, and take care...

QueenB said...

My heart goes out to you, zewt; there's no stronger bond than between a mother and her child. My condolences to you and your family ...

Anonymous said...

So sorry to hear of the news, Zewt
We feel your sadness.

Stay strong,

feliz..
~yr blog reader~

Anonymous said...

Tuck,

I am sorry to hear from this piece of news from your blog. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

Ronnie

Lin Peh said...

Take care brother.

bongkersz said...

my deepest sympathy bro. i feel your sadness. reading your blog for quite sometimes now, my impression is that you definitely a person with good heart and your mom will be proud with you. my prayers are always with you and your family. be strong for this time. take care!

PurpLe~MuShRooM said...

Zewt, my prayers are with you and your family. Stay strong buddy!

:: Nicole :: said...

*speechless* although i do not know u well enough and had only met u once for dinner, i know that u've done all u could.. i'm deeply sorry for what had happened..
you take care and stay strong..
God bless

Sasha said...

zewt, hang in there. U must be strong to face it. Just be tough and please take care of yrself.*hugs*

5xmom.com said...

Heard from sasha about this. First, I am so sorry to hear this and I shall pray for your family. You, too, ok? Ask your divine big boss to give yr family strength.

And chin up, moms don't kira-kira like this wan. She will be happy to know if all her children cope well, with or without her around.

God bless!

baby sa said...

*hugs* you will be fine:)
your mummy will be very very proud of you:)
she dun want to see you frown as well.
take care of yourself and your family:)

*hugs again*

Hor ny Ang Moh said...

So sorry to read about this news. I know how u feel like as I experiance it last CNY when mine dad fell down from a tree & broke his back-bone. As u say mine world suddenly change forever.Don't blame uself, stay strong. I only know u for a few days but through your blog u seem like a nice guy & a good son. I can only hope & pray to all the gods I known that you will pull through this difficult time & that your mum will turn out OK. Best wishes to your family also, take care.

friendfromtaiwan said...

I'm really shocked to read this news, its one of the worst fears in my life to have what happened to you happen to me and my heart is in pain for you. You must stay strong my friend.

ubean said...

stay strong my bro. let us know if you need anything.

politikus said...

my sincere condolences zewt. be strong :) you know you're mom's in a better place.

take good care.

nat said...

boss,

really saddened to read the news.. our thoughts are very much with you and your family in what must be a difficult time...

Fang Fang said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Rabbit said...

Am feeling so sorry after reading this. U take care and be strong k?

May God bless you.

Fang Fang said...

oh dear, i am so sorry to learn about this shocking news. i am sure that she always love you just like you do. God bless you and everyone in your family... be strong..

Winn said...

i'm really sorry to hear abt this my friend..
you must take care!! (hugs)

Elviza said...

Dear Zewt,

Hang in there. This too shall pass... its ok, you can and you will be strong.

My prayers are for your mother

Alecia CM said...

hey, i'm so sorry about your mom. I hope you find strength within. I'm sure too your mom knows you love her and am proud of you too. Hang in there meanwhile.
~ChinMun

jyg said...

Our deepest condolences... we hold you in our thoughts.

kyh said...

My heartiest condolences...

Be strong!!!

mistipurple said...

i came from Angel's blog.
deepest condolences Zewt.
you can still tell your mum everything you want to tell her now. she will know. she's gone physically but she is never gone in spirit. she will continue to look after you and your family. take care and be well.

Happysurfer said...

Hello Zewt, I came here from LB's.
This is such a touching piece. My heart goes out to you. It takes strength and humility to write what you wrote. Take care. You'll do just fine.

Dangerous Variable said...

Peace be unto you and your family...

Jenn said...

My deepest condolences, Zewt.

zorro said...

Zwet, you know how I feel. You just hang in there. A mother always knows how her kids feesour . She does not need all the accolade, she just wants her kids to be happy even if they kids dont say thank you. Genuine mums dont need all the verbal adulations. Zwet, you mum knows you better than another body else and she accepts you for what you are. She loves you, and thats important. She is peaceful now and she wants you to be at peace. OK?

Inevitable said...

I am just passing through.
So sorry to hear about what happened to your mum. Be strong and let god do the rest.

jun said...

Zwet, even though I don't know you but when I read through your post it give me a heartache. Is so sad. I'm sorry to hear this. Just be strong. Hang in there. I'm sure your mom is beside God now.

You and your family will be in my prayer.

Fiona the confusing girl... said...

I get here thru Lydia blogs..
I'm so sorry to hear this.My heartiest condolence to you and your family..Wishing your beloved mom will be at peace now..I'm sure she won't blamed you and will always loves you..Few months ago i lost my beloved grandmother from that moment i realised that we should cherished everyone and everything before is too late...
Take care my friend...

susan loone said...

dear zewt, sorry for writing this so late but condolences to you and family. hope you stay strong. that was a beautful posting. i understand how you feel, my dad died in 2003 and i didnt have a blog yet to express how i felt. but you know he waited until i came back from KL, the next day he went unconscious. i managed to have my last meal with him and bought him all his favourite meal. none of us could ever be the perfect son or daughter, but the best we can do is say that we tried our best. your mum will appreciate you for what you are. take care now and find comfort in blogging your wonderful posts.

Xeus said...

Dear Zewt, so sorry to hear about this. I know no words of comfort can ease the pain right now, but hang on it there. I too lost my dad when I was 19 and it felt as though nothing would ever be the same again.

But it does get better.

God bless.

Acrelaine said...

heyz (tongsuimonster here; u commented on my blog), i know its painful too... i've got that experience myself.. i'm sorry if i hurt u by writing the stuff in my post, but just in case, i dont want u to misunderstand.. i was wishing u to go on living a better life and i bet ur mom would want that for u too... - that's what i meant in my post... hope u didnt get offended or something.. sorry for your lost as well... take care :)

The eternal wanderer said...

Hey, we've never met but I just want to tell you that I know how you feel. I've lost my father to the same debilitating stroke last year.

I faced almost the same experience with my father as you had with your mother - my father and I had seldom talked to each other but when the time came that you wanted to talk to them so much, they're no longer there.

My deepest condolences to you, zewt. No words I say could comfort you now but remain strong for your family. I know its gonna be hard the first few months, but know that you'll always have your family and your friends here to support you.

Godspeed!

Kenny Ng said...

Zewt,

I'm so sorry to hear about it. I'm so late only read about it through Angel's blog. My deepest condolence to you and family.

me said...

i am sorry i learnt about this so late. we are both going through a similar stage in life at the moment. i know the things that u did not do and wished u had will be glaring at this point in time and u will be filled with regrets, wishing u had a little more time to do a little bit more. believe me, yr mother will remember yr love, the good times and all the times u hv made her proud. i am very sure she was very happy to have you as her son. in remembering her, remember all the good times too. remember all the love and the goodness.