Dear Mommy

One would wonder why I still have the energy to blog today. But I want to remember today.

While on my way home, my brother called.

“Mom fainted… come back now”

When I reached home, mom was already very much unconscious. While one of her eyes was still open, she was not responding to any of our calls. I knew I have to send her to the hospital immediately. My brother was with me, my father, as always, afraid to go to the hospital.

I drove like a man possessed, and after admitting my mom, I waited patiently for the doctor to come.

“She has a stroke”. That’s what the doctor told me after some initial diagnosis. Further examination and he sent my mom to do a CT scan. “Urgent” he said. That doesn’t sound good at all.

The doctor-on-call came about an hour later and he showed me the films. One of the blood vessels in my mom’s head has burst and she is having bleeding in her brain. The blot clot is pressing against right brain and thus, she is half paralysed. “It doesn’t look good”, he said.

After examining her, he transferred my mom to ICU and asked for the neuro surgeon to come. I was asked to wait outside the ICU. As I saw some nurses running into the ward, I walked past the entrance that said “staff only”.

I saw it in front of me, my mom, lifeless, and the doctors were trying to revive her. I shed my first tear of the night… and since then, my tears kept flowing. It has been a long time since I cried, but how I wish I don’t have to cry in this circumstance.

“The brain is bleeding out fast, she is now breathing with the help of a machine, she will last 2-3 days”. From that moment onwards, my life changed forever.

Ya’ know, so many times my mom said we took her for granted, and we never appreciate her, and that when the day comes when we want to take her out and make her happy, she might be gone. She was right. And it will be the biggest regret of my life.

I cried and slapped myself trying to recall what her last words to me were. I struggled and it was only till a few moments ago, I remembered. She called to ask whether the 3 loaves of bread I brought back from a charity event were edible. She went and bought us “long yuk” when I answered yes.

“Sik tuck keh” (can be eaten)…. Those were my last 3 words to her.

Mommy, I am sorry I fail to appreciate you.
I am sorry I shouted at you so many times, insisting that you don’t understand me.
I am sorry I didn’t take you to see the right doctor, as I only told u to do it yourself.
I am sorry that you’ve cooked and I never inform you if I am not back for dinner
I am sorry I never help you with housework. Now, I have to do it all myself.
I am sorry for all the things I should’ve done but didn’t.
I am sorry, I am so so so sorry.
How I wish you can hear me right now, but I know you would rather have me doing the right things in life than to be sorry with all the things I failed to do.

I want to remember today. I want to remember the last dinner that my mom cooked, to which I eat with tears.

Thank you mom for the dinner, it has always been the best meal though I never said so.

But most of all… mommy, sorry for not being a good son. But I know you still love me. And I will forever remember this day.

Mommy, I am sorry