Monday, 14 May 2007

With or without a reason?

I was once asked by a then-close-friend… “what do you like in that person that you are going after?” He was referring to my ex. I was taken by surprise and I could not answer him. He paused for a moment and told me that my inability to answer was the best answer one could give. I was puzzled, I bet you are too, right? He then delivered to me his motto… that when you like someone without a reason, that’s true love. At that time, I trusted him and I adopted that motto. That was 11 years ago.

As time goes by, I figured he was probably right.

Perhaps I have been exposed to quite a heavy dosage of western movies where couples break up or divorce because they no longer find their lover understanding, humorous, pretty, handsome, etc. That’s notwithstanding Hollywood celebrities, because I think they separate when they are bored of fuc*ing with each other.

Anyway, what I am trying to say is that I believe if you love someone because of a particular attribute… and when that someone no longer possess such attribute (it could happen), are you still going to love that someone? Not so much of physical attribute but character.

For example…… you meet up with a girl… she is sweet, demure and ladylike… and you love her for all that…you get married… you two have children and those lil ones drive her mad and she turned into a witch!... no longer sweet, demure and ladylike… are you going to stop loving her? Maybe… maybe not. Due to this, I believe there should not be a reason in loving someone, so as to not give you a reason to stop loving someone.

For 7 years I loved a girl and I chose not to find a reason for it. We were happy (most of the time), spent a lot of time together gathering a host of memories (both sweet and bitter) and life was indeed a bed of roses. But we are all humans, the fact that we are who we are today, is because of our species managed to evolve over time. So over 7 years, I supposed we changed… we morphed… we evolved.

God created the world in 6 days and on the 7th, He rested. On the 7th year of my precious relationship, disaster struck. For the first time in my life, I was put into a situation whereby I need to think and choose and shit!... I needed find at least a reason why I have loved this girl for 7 years. You may be thinking right now, that I have been playing a fool for the those 7 years. Hell no!!! I treated my ex better than my family, and I am not going to start by telling you the sacrifices I have made for her.

After 7 years together, when it matters most, I couldn’t find a reason to love her. I loved her for no reason and as such, there was no reason why I should stop loving her. Like the final sand falling down from the top of the hourglass, 7 years came to an end, like a flash.

No, I am not here to tell you why it ended or how it ended. The notion here is, are we supposed to love someone with a reason? And if that reason disappears over time, will we have to stop loving that someone?

After the break-up, I discussed this with another friend, and she told me is it crucial to have a reason to love someone. This is because when there is a need for it, when it matters most, when we need to reassess our position, we know why we love our partner, we know why we put up to all our partner’s shit and most importantly, we know we have something to fall back on. We know, despite everything, we love our partner for something.

So are you going to love someone without a reason? Just in case if that someone ceases to give you that reason, you will still love your him/her?

Or are you going to find an ultimate reason to love someone? So that whatever happens, you know why you love him/her.

Such a predicament… isn’t it?

118 comments:

TTL! said...

wow 7 years and you broke up .. 11 months was already enough to put me in a heartbreak that lasted for 5 months. anyways i think there is always a reason for me to love someone but its definitely not physical or anything of that sort. there has to be something about the girl. i just dont know what it is haha

Little Ray said...

Thanks for sharing. I guess it's time to give a think about it.

J.T. said...

When you meet someone, it is not always love. Some say love at first sight. I say 'not that easy'. It is the compatibility and/or chemistry that makes you think you are in love. Love takes sometime to develop. It is built on an emotional foundation.
When you choose to love someone, you choose to do it because you willingly want to not because you have to. You won't have to find a reason to love someone if you already are in love with the person.
When you fall in love with that person for certain attribute, you will find that over the years, it is that attribute that will irritate you or get back at you. What do you do? Some give up because they feel they have been shortchanged. Some continue loving because whatever they have built together goes beyond that first attribute that attracted them to their mate.
I have known of some couples who are divorced yet still love each other. How? Because as much as they cannot live together anymore, the bond formed goes beyond tangible attributes. It cannot be seen. It cannot be touched. It only can be felt.
My two-cents worth..la. :)

neno said...

i think n i think..in the end, i still cant come out a reason y i love someone..kekeke..nice post :)

gives me sth to think about instead of rotting in my room waiting for june to come..kekeke..

Acrelaine said...

no one with me now.. dun need to think lar.. wtf

conan_cat said...

love? some really complicated thing... and no, you don't need a reason to love, all you need is that emotion of wanting to have him/her, wanting to see her, care for her, love her, caress her in your arms and watch her smile from cheek to cheek. you want to see her happy, you want to see her in joy, and you believe that you can give her that happiness.

i guess that's love... :)

newayz bryan just got my domain done. :D i'll tell you later on how to do it, it's really simple actually haha... and yeah zewt.com sounds so nice! :D

angel said...

Love thyself! :P

7 year itch? :D But seriously, a lot of relationships tend to get 'wobbly' in the 7th year... I wonder why.. do u know why?

Twisted Heels said...

Hello! I was going to be your silent reader for a while but then you commented on mine so I'm coming out of the box! :)

In my opinion, I think there should be a reason although sometimes we may see or not may not see it. After all, we must have like something about the person before we fall in love right?

Of course love may take time to develop (for that foundation) and people do evolve, but the feeling could evolve to love something else too? If it is less and re-assessment takes place, I agree with finding that reason. After all, we need a reason why we don't love a person anymore?

Bee Ean Tee said...

Yes I need a reason to love someone. You might not know why at the beginning but over the years it gets clearer and clearer when you understand each other better and better. This might not be true for everyone, love doesn't have a formula I guess.

Theodwyn said...

With or without reason... I think it depends on how you fell in love in the first place.... there's reason for some love... but not for all.

http://robinsbuzz.blogs.friendster.com/my_blog/2007/05/what_is_this_th.html provides some of the scientific reasons.

Me... I believe in science, but I also believe in human emotion. It doesn't matter what the scientists proof, love will always be love. And love is not a single emotion, its a myriad of different emotions at different times in different situations that blend together to the familiar feeling of love.

Wish I could write more... but I can't verbalise a lot right now..

Great post as always.

kayatan said...

I became a Christian at 21, I asked God for a soul mate when I was 22. After many yrs of asking me, HE did not provide me, I gave up on God and tell him : God, I give u 2 more yrs, if u don't give me, I am going to find myself.
I did. I found all the dog shits along the way. Now I looked back, what was wrong with me ? I gave up so much and end up with so much troubles and heartaches.
There is a saying that the end of man is the beginning of God.
So then I prayed God plse give me a godly man, I don't care if he is poor as salted fish but as long as his very 1st love is You, GOD.
I prayed and prayed.
Ironically, a silk girlfriend introduced me to a Christian Match Making site. I was so thrilled when I read my husband profile, we believe in exactly the same doctrine. It is hard to come by to know a man who knows about the 1689 confession of faith, let alone believe it.
We got married and I have not regretted a single day abt it.
He told me he loves me like Christ love HIS church.
Now I look back in life, love is so misrepresented by Hollywood movies.
When I was dating with one dog shit, he left me because I became a liability to me cos I had a stroke. My husband was with me all through my open-heart surgery. I asked him why he want to marry a lady with so much health issue and he said as a Christian how could we only love someone who is beneficial to me, he said love should be unconditional.
Whenever I think of my husband, my son, I can only think of Romans 8: 28 (All things work together for those who love God ...).
Our marriage is based solely on our faith, God is the head of our family.
It has been a wonderful marriage life for us. Of course not everyday is bed of roses, but with faith in Jesus, our challenges seems to lessen. And though we are in our late 40's, we still have do a lot of 'hanky ponky' cool stuff :), ha ha ha ha, that is not for under 18, ha ha ha ha.
Love
Jamy, FL

FireHorse said...

Having been married for 15 years I found that like is more important than love, espcially when we have a fight and cannot for the life of me remember why I love him in the first place, I always know why I like him. And when you truly like a person like a close friend, the reason seldom changes.

Jemima said...

I've learned that you can love someone and still not like him/her very much.

However, to love & to be loved is the greatest joy in the world. :)

Cirnelle said...

Zewt!!!!! You're back!!! A Monday without you was utter hell!!!! *cirnelle kisses zewt's feet feverishly* Oh please don't ever go off on a working weekday without a warning like that again... nearly killed me.

There you go. My unreasonable reason why I love AZAIG and why I won't remove the link at the end of 7 years, I swear it on the life of my own blog.

Anonymous said...

Weird how some people can love God so deeply and yet cal His other children "dog-shit".

hhhha....

Do you really understand love?

confessing7girl said...

wowowowoww!!!!! amazing post!!! its good to know from a man's point of view, how u see love!!! and i dont believe in that love without a reason thing!! i believe when u truly love u hv every reason in the world to love that person! and u can always find more reasons!!!!! even when u r down u can find a million reasons more!!!
:D ahhhhh and i love that funny picture of the couple dancing!!!hehe

kayatan said...

Yes, "Weird how some people can love God so deeply and yet cal His other children "dog-shit"." that is exactly more the reason I need God love :). God teach me to learn to love. He teach me to love the unlovable :)- ( like the dog shits). With my own strength, I am not capable of love the unlovable.

I am a sinner saved by grace :)-. I can't hide how I feel :) and don't pretend to be a saint :)-.

Yes, it is indeed difficult to offer someone yr left cheek when he slapped yr right cheek.

God is indeed good cos what I see dog shit in my eyes is such a precious being to HIM, isn't God love amazing ?

When I shared with one of my gfs abt the dog shits, she said prayed for them, blessed them and thank God that HE brought them along the path.

I looked at her stunned ? I said are u for real ? She said when u hate the dog shits think of Christ who went to the cross for you, aren't u worst than a dog shit when God save u from all the mess ?

So here u go, I don't pretend to love God so deeply (it is impossible with fresh) but I need God in my life. I am a very weak human being, HE is my rock. Without him, I am nothing. So I choose a man who is strong in God because I know that is what I need cos I am weak.

jaezrel said...

yea zewt.....

if you love someone for a reason then when he/she no longer possesses the attributes that they once had.....will most likely to tell the other half 'you've changed from when i first know you' BUT it happens all the time....if you want someone so bad at a time u dont mind 'sacrificing' in your words...or being someone that you most probably am not....and with time.....he/she changes back to be him/herself.....that's bad....even if i dont see the reason that makes me fall for him but i still love him unconditionally.....from having a reason till now? i cant find a reason at all....not even to walk away if the reason for me to love is no longer there....

"Joe" who is constantly craving said...

im getting abit confused here..u didnt just break up rite?..whatever it is..i believe if you feel good with the person with you..thats all that matters..

flaminglambo said...

It depends on what kind of love we're talking about.

I find falling in love with one's partner without a reason very hard to stomach. Just like the lyrics to Savage Garden's 'I knew I loved you before I met you'. I mean, wtf???

Initially, I was attracted to my wife because of her looks. After I got to know her, I fell in love with her personality and the little quirky things that she does made me adore her even more. So yeah, I think there should be a reason to love your partner.

If you can't find a reason why you love him/her when things are rosy, you'll find more reasons why you don't when times get rough.

However, loving a son/daughter is completely different altogether. I think that kind of love is unconditional. Love in the purest form. You don't need a reason to love them, well, maybe the reason is that they are part of you.

rinnah said...

Reading this post made me stop and think about what I really loved about him. And I knew without a doubt it was his unconditional support of me and my dreams. That was first and foremost. Later as I got to know him better, there were little things that would irritate me to no end in other people, but I accepted and liked it, even loved him all the more for it because that was who he is and I wouldn't want to change him one bit. It wasn't love or even like at first sight (I disliked him at first! He was all the things I swore I never wanted in a man but the surface was different from inside), but the time invested into this relationship that I'll never forget.

PurpLe~MuShRooM said...

I think u have the 7 years' itch! I am confused... your ex here is not the gf u have been mentioning, right?

My believe is: Consciously or subconsciously, we do like or love someone for a reason.

Gallivanter said...

Wow, 7 years. There are many quotes that I could throw at you right now...but I won't...because I know what a dilemma it is...

Nastasshea@Nesh said...

My reason for loving someone is because he loves me dearly and is willing to go through ups and downs with me. That is my main reason for falling in love. The rests are more like a guide (e.g, funny, hardwirking, etc.) to whom I should find.

However easier said than done! In the end we fall in love blindly. Which is dangerous.

Nice post! Really gave me a thought there.

Wanna exchange linkz??

Huei said...

wow..y is the 7th year always the most dangerous?

ahh i agree there shouldn't be a particular reason to love someone. love their good and bad..how they love you, how they annoy you and get on ur nerves

dun love just one thing about someone, love everything! =D

mumsgather said...

"Why do you love me?" is the hardest question to answer EVER!

imp said...

to me, love just happens if everything's in sync. if love ends for me, it's gotta end because life goals change so much till there's no more parallel movement possible. OR if there's so much hurt till the relationship becomes a drag.

zewt said...

TTL - if there is something about the girl but you dunno what it is means you dunno why you like her la... hahaha... what cock u talking... hehe. if 11 months cause a 5 months heartbreak, guess how i felt then.

little ray - yes, give it a thought and tell me what you think.

JT - hmmm.... loving someone for an attribute but it ends up haunting us? that's something new. never thought it will happen, but come to think of it, pretty real. but i dun understand how a bond that has formed beyong tangible attributes cannot salvage a relationship.

neno - you just have to bring june out right? sudirman cup only mah... i have got the world championship in august! if you cant think of a reason to love someone, then there will also be no reason why you should stop loving someone :)

Acrelaine - soon there may be one... then you will need to think lor...

conan_cat - so you're the 'love for no reason' type eh? i think zewt.com has been taken by someone.... sigh... maybe zewtpinion.com... what do you think?

angel - that's true, i have a few friends, all failed to last beyond 7 years. and not all becos of itch. it's just realisation of the real world.

zewt said...

twisted heel - hello there, welcome to As Zewt As It Gets. dont be a silent reader, i appreciate comments :) well said, reasons are important i guess. i have gone on that notion now. it gives us a pillar to lean back on. thanks for dropping by and hope to see ya around.

Bee Ean Tee - hello and welcome! no formula and reason huh... maybe i should take a count on how many goes for reason, how many dont. thanks for dropping by and hope to see ya around.

Theodwyn - i am sure you can write more. i guess love is a topic that will always be debated till the end of times. one thing... science and love can never blend. some things just cant be explained.

kayatan - God has a plan for all of us and it is certainly a plan that will not harm us. I am glad He has revealed His plan to you and you took it. you are not the first couple that successfully created by dating sites so i guess these things do work huh. oh... keep up the not-for-under-18 stuff... i am sure it's fun :) cheers....

firehorse - i must say i am a lil confused by you. like supersedes love? that is something really new to me. do elaborate if possible.

Jemima - how can you love someone you dont like? i think that's a bit tough for me. maybe for parents yes... but for emotional romantic feelings... that's not quite possible... my zewtpinion. how are things with your mom?

cirnelle - you've gone out of topic... hahahahaha... i try not to disappear during weekdays :)

zewt said...

anonymous 1 - if you're refering to kayatan, i think she was refering to other men. but then again, not everyone who claims to love God is a loving person. love... is something always beyond human comprehension.

confessing7girl - hhahaha... that pic is meant to clear some tension cos i know ppl will be quite tensed reading this entry. glad you like the post... a man's definition of love is important huh...

jaezrel - good for your bf eh? i guess in order for you to stop loving... there must be a new profound reason? anyway, reason or no reason... it's all up to us.

constant craver joe - we did... that was quite some time ago. feels good factor matters for you huh... hah!

flaminglambo - so you're saying your wife is hot? hahahaha... well, i think you're refering to attraction, which is totally different from love, perhaps i should blog about it too. oh yeah, i understand when it comes to children, and parents too, that's unconditional.

rinnah - rinnah my friend... i think you have found the best formula in love.... acceptance. good for you... and him :)

purple mushroom - nope, that was my first ex. hmmmm... unconscious reason... something new. but you may be right.

zewt said...

Gallivanter - well, that was long ago... so it doesnt really matter anymore. so bring it on! hehe...

Nastasshea@Nesh - your nick so complicated la... anyway, love is indeed blind, and often accompanied by madness... there's a story to it... perhaps i put it up later... linkz? ok...

huei - dunno, just a saying i guess. i think an itch can happen anytime. oh... that's a good thing... love everything. so all the thing you complained about your Boo... all you love too? hehehe...

mumsgather - but women just like to ask that, dont you? sigh....

imp - so to you... love is about timing and sync? where are the emotions then? you seem to based love on a lot of things... life goals and all. as we move on with time... such things always change u know?

Cirnelle said...

Did I go off topic? Okay, okay... shall try to comment properly on this topic. You know this poem and it sums up what I think also:

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

Cirnelle said...

Oops... I think in the film it actually went:

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way than this,

I love you as certain dark things are to be loved, in secret,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that as your eyes close, I fall asleep.

TTL! said...

i also dont know wtf im talking about XD but yeah. i never fall for a girl at the first sight usually it happens after like 2 months or something haha i have to know the girl before i can love her

cibol said...

love me for a reason, you know the song? suddenly came to mind. personally I do think that doesn't have to be a reason. like u said, first and foremost the physical attraction came first then only you fall in love with the real person, if we ever do la .. but then .. i went blank. well, no need reason la. but my ex used to ask me that. I didn't answer .. she went "merajuk" for a few days. after that few days I told her i dun actually know what to tell her but i just gave her a peck .. i have no answer for that

yvy said...

yet another one of ur fantastic mind boggling post which got me thinking as well. a nice write up indeed. now i need to ponder on this....but hor, i'm already married and i guess the reason why i married ted is because i see my dad in him and my dad has been a role model for me in many ways. perhaps that could be one of the reasons why, eh?

jorji said...

love is a fist
-mike patton.

love is a dog from hell
-CB

kita boleh mencintai seseorang tanpa sebarang alasan...dan kemudian kita sudah tidak mencintainya dengan satu alasan, iaitu-bosan!

imp said...

to me, emotions are secondary. i fall in 'like' with a person if things click, the chemistry's there. but i won't fall in love if important issues/mindsets are fundamentally different.

as we grow through the years and i find that life goals are not in sync, no matter how much i love a person, the relationship won't work, and i'll let it go. i've never stayed in a relationship for love singularly.

i view love as part of life, and not the sum total of my existence.

Jacss said...

As usual...... u gave us some good points & thoughts here! It does made me think again on my choice & my brain still believes that there is reason to 'love'.

For me, there's time when that 'love' pauses a while esp. in time of fight but so far, once that temporary evil hatred feeling has gone, the 'love' will be back.

And so, for that someone to make up the mind to end a relationship (must acknowledge that it's not easy), i guess la.......'love' must have been dead!

Btw, really no way to patch things up? 7 years is real long....a duration I got married with 2 kids who now aged 4 +++ !!!! Anyhow, judging from your sentimental style, i do trust u r capable in dealing it with care! Good Luck & cheers!

bongkersz said...

this is a tough one. I still cannot find any reasons why I love my gf, there are many reasons if I really want to list it out, yet there is not one particular reason that started this love and it might be no reason at all considering all the reasons that doesn't count. it's just that chemical attraction shit between me and her i guess? :D

Hmm, my take will be, you will find a reason to love if you want to, but if you couldn't find any reason it doesn't matter. It is the feeling that matters to me, you love your partner because of 'love' or because of the 'reason to love'?

p/s : wtf.. i'm talking in tongues.. ha ha ha ha! your question very the confusing zewt, you know i don't like to think too much hahahahaha~!

bongkersz said...

A love B because B is B, so the reason A love B is B :D If B no longer is B, then A will not love B. Macam ini boleh ke?

Hor ny Ang Moh said...

Hallo Zewt!!That is what we meant by the seven year ITCHS!!!If u can pass the seven year test then ur life with this ladies should be OK. Seriously loving a person is loving her for what she is, sort of like S & P agreement, u have to take up the whole package. But of of couse we r humen being, born to made mistake,& so after sometime we take things for granted or we started to poke around & we discover that beside vegetable, meat taste so much more better.However if both of u understand each other both mentally & physically intimately, then made some adjustment, then perhap this relationship can be save. Have a nice day.

me said...

i think all this is shit when it comes to love. either you love or you don't. you don't need reasons. you can have a million reasons, and she didn't change squat..but if you don't love her anymore, you don't love her anymore. she may be the most wicked bitch on earth, but if it works for you, it works for you.

if you don't know whether you love her anymore, chances are...you don't love her. if you think you need a reason to continue loving her, chances are....you don't love her anymore. no one knows better than your own heart whether you love her...if you don't...perhaps it's telling you something you don't want to hear.

make no excuses for love. either you love or you don't. you love with your heart, not your brain. you can't rationalise it.

Anonymous said...

Love is actually, very easy to understand.

You are making it difficult because of your poetic minds.

Think like a scientist and not a poet.

Perhaps, then, you will discover what "love" really is. It really isn't that complicated.

Kayatan, you have used the word "God" more often than the bible. hahahah....hilarous.

I respect your faith, but it's rather crude to call others dog shit don't you think? We are not even talking about sainthood here. It's just manners. But I heard they lack that in the US of A. No? hahah

Princess Eileen said...

I think it is more important to find someone you can live & spend the rest of your life with. Its a bonus to be able to love that particular person deeply. Love should be simple, you love someone for who he/she is, coz you want that person to love you for who you are, not what he/she want you to be.

Maybe you can listen to boyzone's "Love me for a reason." Muahahaha

J.T. said...

Zewt, that also confuses me - How a bond that has formed beyond tangible attributes cannot be salvaged. But it happens.
I guess it is up to both parties - if they want to work it out or not. Some are so hurt by something, then they choose a break up - easier than having to deal with it. Trying to salvage it takes more work.
Then again, some know that despite the bond formed, the tangible attributes are harder to deal with. A case of still loving the person but just cannot live with the lies,the physical abuse, etc.
I have a friend who is currently deciding if she wants out or in. She has two boys. Her husband's "craziness" has recently escalated since he served in a war zone. As much as I can understand how much he had to deal with, he has come home with a lot of emotional baggage. She became a victim of his moods. She was becoming frustrated with the way she was being treated and it was not presenting a positive atmosphere at home. She swears she still loves him but she cannot put herself and her boys in danger. Until he seeks professional help, she has to keep the boys away.
He may also be hurting because now he feels that he may be denied of having his boys with him in the future. So it is a complicated case. She wants to stay with him to help him through his emotional turbulence but she also cannot take how it is costing her boys' happiness. So, she is now battling between heart and head. Last I heard that they may go for trial separation.

eastcoastlife said...

zewt,
I kaypoh some more! hehe...

Who initiated the break? Why? Were you not ready to settle down? Why did it take so long to finally realised you were not made for each other?

7 years is a long time. Your gf is willing to be with you for 7yrs without pressing you for marriage. Incredible.

Cocka Doodle said...

Walau! So mushy-mushy until I read also hair stand liao! LOL

Cocka Doodle said...

Rule of thumb....
Before buy car, must test drive...
check out the spotlights...see bright anot,
check out the gearbox....see solid anot.
Then buy...

After buying don't forget you'll need a 'spare tyre' just in case kena puncture.
LOL

may said...

hmmm... it's a thought. though I'd still think we all love people for reasons, even if it's just because of how they smile. even for no reason, is a reason to love.

giny said...

To love someone unconditionally is easier said than done. Is it possible to love someone who took all you life savings and wont tell you where it went? On top of that, took cash advances from your credit cards and promised he will repay them but never happened because he took a huge amount of loan from loan sharks and kept you in the dark for months? The only reason he told you abt it is because he wants you to lie for him to defer the repayment? I could not even go back to my house because the "creditors" is there to collect on the debt. So now I am up to my eyeballs in debt. Please tell me what is love again?

oz said...

they say love is blind..

but if love is blind, why does one fall in love at first sight ?

Raksha said...

You know, I like that motto too, and I still adopt it in a way.

Nevertheless, when my then-bf asked me the very same question "What do you like in me?" right before he flew off back to Japan, trust me, it's BLOODY AKWARD when you can't really answer and explain it to him in English, much less in Jap.

Lol.

Anak Merdeka said...

Hey, I see that Ms Twisted Heels is also here. Well, I'm like her too Zewt. Sometimes, I see so many ppl commenting on your post and you taking the trouble replying to each and every one of them makes me feel better to read in silence. :-)

Anyway, I find your musing about an old love lost amusing. Esp. that you will be walking down the aisle soon with your new love. Wedding day jitters, Zewt? LOL

Anyway, you'll find it a whole new ball game when you have a wife and kids - and a host of relatives related to you "in-law". Hopefully, your great sense of humour will ensure plenty of happy and "Kodak" moments in married live. I wish you only the BEST, Zewt! :-)

Anonymous said...

Giny,

I'm sorry to hear of your predicament.

Earlier, I have asked some to think objectively on what love is all about. I wanted them to think seriously and not like some romantic poet. And I was willing to leave it at that.

But after reading your post, I felt so sorry that I hope my thoughts on love can help you in some way.

To love someone is to have a strong bond with someone. The stronger the bond, the deeper the love.

At its strongest, you will jump infront of a car to save your lover. This is sometimes called "unconditional love". In other words, bond so strong, you are willing to give up with own life. Probably the ultimate sacrifice for a living creature.

Is there such a bond? Yes, between a mother and her kids. Usually.

The next question is, what is "bond" and how do you have strong bonds? Well, bonds are established through cultivation. And each couple will have their own methods. That is for the couple to discover. But one thing for sure, without a bond strong enough, the relationship will be tested constantly. If the bond forged is strong, it will last the test of time.

So Zewt, breaking up after 7 years? Well, it doesn't matter if it's 7 months, 7 years or 70 years. If you have not established a bond strong enough, you can be together for 700 years, and still break up.

Love at first sight? Haha. That's rubbish. Heard of Bond at first sight? I can justify why it is rubbish. But that's for another time.

Gina, I hope you can work our for yourself if your bond to this man is strong enough or worth keeping. Love is only the romantic manifestation. Don't be fooled by sweet words. Good luck.

zewt said...

cirnelle - dont believe what they say in films la. havent you learnt that yet?

TTL - means you have to find a reason lor. u sure there's no love at first sight? maybe it will happen soon... haha!

cibol - yes, i know that song... let the reason be love eh? so what was your ex reaction after you said that to her?

yvy - ahhh... the father figure. a lot of ppl do that. girls will marry the father figure while guys will marry the mother figure. that is provided their parents are of good example la.

jorji - hey, selamat datang ke laman blog saya. hahaha... alasan yang sungguh lawak sekali... bosan. tapi, agak betul jugak. banyak pasangan yang pisah sebab dah bosan.

imp - hmmm... very enlightening indeed. i guess everyone has their own preference. i have to agree that life's goals do have to be the same or somewhat similar. else, the happy ever after will be rather difficult.

jacss - yeah, there are times when love will take secondary place. read JT's second comment and u will know why. nope... nothing can be done after 7 years. but it's cool, cos i then meet up with my current fiance. yeah... 7 years is a really long time....

april said...

every night before going to sleep, i will whisper "i love you" to him right beside me. when i whispered the 3 words, i thought to myself, what do I really love about him? Most of the time, I don't have the answer.But deep in my heart, I knew he has shaped my life and if it's without him, i wouldn't be so hang fuk today.

i went for him the first time because i thought that he was cute. now, he is no longer cute.. but i understand him deeper. so there is another reason why i love him.

Just a scenario la.. :)) The reasons to love can change as long as it is to maintain a healthy relationship. that's all :P

zewt said...

bongkersz - hahahahaha... you replied quite well mah. goes to show you can think deep too. hmmm... finding the reason as times go by for bongkersz. your second comment... damn confusing... maths and relationship tak jalan la. but i guess... that equation boleh la.

hor ny - haha... long gone already lor. nothing to be saved. you're right, it's all about the package. just have to accept it!

me - Hmmm… something so deep coming from …you! You must have had like this post eh? Yeah, you all have your point and I agree. There’s no right or wrong answer. While the head and heart is often dubbed as the longest distance in the world… their connection can be somewhat real. Which is why the head can sometimes get confused with the whispers from the heart…. Though one love with only the heart.

anonymous 2 - hahaha... americans are like that but kayatan is a malaysian... i think. anyway, like i said... one who claims to love God doesnt mean one will act and live like one.

and oh, on your reply to giny. yeah, i think bond is very important. it requires more than just love... it takes time and it takes a lot of effort. but most importantly, it requires a big pool of common interest. yeah, it doesnt matter if it's 7 years or 700 years, if the bond is strong, i guess it can stand the test of everything. having said that... will you put your love to the test?

princess eileen - welcome back woh! haha... so are you saying that you are willing to spend the rest of your life with someone that you're comfortable with even if you dont love him? yeah... love me for a reason... let the reason be love. without love, how to love? stupid song la.

JT - i thoroughly understand what you mean. sometimes, love can be stretched beyond understanding but when it's finally put to the test... one may choose otherwise. i am sorry to hear about that couple. i guess love sometimes just aint enough... that's another song... :)

zewt said...

eastcoastlife - believe me... i was the one who wanted to marry... but then again... i guess it wasnt meant to be.

cocka doodle - you ah... hahahaha... fancy that kinda comment from u. yeah la... sure will test wan hahahaha.... but no to spare tyre la.

may - that was from a song right? so may goes for ... with a reason...

giny - hey... sorry to hear about your story. yeah, sometimes we have plenty of reason to stop loving someone. if you really cant take it, i guess it's time to make a stand and let go. it's tough... but sometimes it's for the best. hope everything will go one fine with you.

oz - hahahaha... i really dunno. that's a good one.

raksha - so what did you say to him in the end? :) .... such a weird position to be in i am sure.

anak merdeka - no la... just happen to think about this and pen it down. it's cool to visit history and prompt thinking, dont u think? yeah, i know it will be a whole new phase of life, i guess i have to be ready! oh... i always appreciate comments... so, dont worry about me having to reply.

april - wahh... so illustrative. well... everyone will have their own reason... or no reason, but so long as we love deeply and with our whole heart... that's good enough :)

Jemima said...

Zewt, one can still love him/her from afar despite all the hurt & heartbreak & the constant lies which one always get from him/her - hence, one doesn't like him/her for that.
That's just my 2 cents.

Mum's condition remains the same.
Thanks for asking.

Jacss said...

Aiya zeut......i got myself confused only! As i further read....the 7 years were history ......it then brought you to where you are now (with a fiance)! Am i rite?
I dun feel that sad for you now.....!

"Joe" who is constantly craving said...

anywayz haha glad to know this is not ur current fiance u r talking about..that would be errr..upsetting la..so can come for ninja jones?

Anonymous said...

Yup, like Kayatan, I'm also a kuchingnite.

Love to the test? Do tell....

Vivianz said...

GOod you finally found what you want now.. I guess. :P She(ur fiance) is the "one" right? Better say yes, k? She'll be reading it.

Kata Tak Nak said...

Wo! Hold your horses there young fella, so heavy a subject. Is there supposed to be an answer for that?

Come to think of it, When I fell for my ex it was for no reason. She wasn't very pretty, I have had prettier ones. We just click thats all. The right chemistry was there. Don't ask me what the right chemistry is. It is just too tough to answer. When we broke it was not of our choice. You can say we were sought of forced to. I married someone not actually of my coice, to be precise, my father's choice but over the years I learnt to love her and now I can say that I can't live without her and can never imagine a life without her. The question is does that make me love my ex less. Love is love, its the feeling you get and there shouldn't be a reason to love.

Love and hate are two opposing feelings. When you can hate someone without a reason, why can't you love someone without one?
Am I making sense?

Pumpkin said...

See my adaptation of your article on 'With or Without Reason' in my blog. A Zewt Special

confessing7girl said...

sure ur idea of love is very interesting!!! must be a little different from a girls point of view!! and the photo worked!!:D
well im not malaysian, im from portugal!!!!!:D why u ask?? ;;)

nyonyapenang said...

Love with a reason - it's love with the head.
Love without a reason - it's love with the heart.

zewt said...

Jemima - i think loving from afar is the greatest love of all... becos you want the best for the person you loved... right? hope your things are better on your side.

Jacss - hahaha... aiyo... u blur la. u think i am going to disclose my current relationship here meh? :P

constant craver joe - still havent decided la. hahaha... of cos not my current relation la.

anonymous again - for example... for a husband to let his wife go on a trip with her ex whom he knows she still fancies and vice versa. thanks for visiting again... would be nice if you could leave a nick or something :)

vivianz - hahaha... of cos! definitely :P ... otherwise, she wont be my fiance right?

kata tak nak - there are actually 3 stages of love... in chinese, they're called 'oi ching', meaning love and attraction... 'gam ching', meaning bond... 'jak yam', meaning responsibility love, often found in a marriage. i guess you've reached the second moving to third stage... but you do make sense, one can always love without a reason, but is that the right approach? anyway, to each its own.

pumpkin - where is my royalty? :)

confessing7girl - well, having readers like you keep me away from blogging about malaysian social scenes :) not that i am complaining though...

nyonyapenang - i must say... brilliantly illustrated there...

Raksha said...

Dude, you really wanna know what I told him in the end? Lol! Don't whack me when you hear the answer okay?

I told him, I don't know why I like him. I just do. Words can't explain it. It's just a feeling that hit me one day while I was with him.

Thinking back, maybe it would have better if I could say it fully in English. Definitely sounded less lame. If I remembered correctly, he still looked confused.

Oh well.

ROFLMAO!

april said...

eh u every post have to reply to all the comments. u not tired one meh? so geng. good thing that my blog has low traffic.kekenkee

erhmm.. based on my observation, usually girls will look at the guy's pocket first b4 going after him or accept him. you have all the rights to deny this fact but it is already a fact.

$$$ plays a big factor in a relationship. Which girl doesn't want to go and watch movies, have nice dinner, eat good food, go vacation and etc? Unless the girl is blardy rich then different story la. Otherwise, if the guy coudln't afford to take the girl to the basic places for dating (unless the girl doesn't mind to date at the taman-taman public), you think they can have a lasting relationship meh? But there is always an exceptional.

Am I out of topic? :P I just want to say that $$$ can be one of the main reason in a relationship.

neno said...

kekeke..who noes..u might see me in august oso ler..kekeke..

me said...

what?!?!? i not deep one meh? harumph!

been married so long, since the dinosour years, of course i've asked myself this question before.

zewt said...

raksha - wait a minute... so you're saying you can speak japanese? wow! how cool is that!!!! wa ta shi zewt! hehe...

well, sometimes words are more meaningful when you struggle to say it... dont you think?

april - not tired at all. in fact, i enjoy it. i like interacting with people. perhaps i should blog about it one day. oh yeah, money money money... it's something that i will blog about quite soon... just wait... already have it in my mind.

neno - now i am really jealous!

me - oh yeah, that's definitely through... beyond dino years i would say... haha... you should really share the secret. yeah la. yeah la... deep deep la...

Anonymous said...

Zewt, most husbands will definitely be "worried and confused". It's a pretty normal human emotional reaction - forged over years of our social evolution.

Perhaps, a husband 30,000 yrs ago, before early humans really developed our current social norms, will feel totally ok about it. I mean, if you look at the animal kingdom, many animal couples don't stay together after the mating season. Early human couple (husband and wifes) may also be like that.

But we have evolved and developed communal norms. Partly aided by religion. And our emotions are pre-programmed to those norms.

So, for a wife to go on a trip with an ex that she still fancies - is definitely out of normal/modern acceptable conduct. Of course it is her right as a human - but it is just not normal.

Thus, a husband will likely react negatively. It is only to be expected - unless you are Hugh Hefner. He is not very normal you see.

But tell me, why would the wife but the husband in that position in the first place? Perhaps that is the more interesting question.

By the way...you can refer to me as BC

BC

angele said...

I'm so late in reading yr posts!I've been away for a few days from the blogosphere.

7 years for a relationship is a long time.During that period you find out more about the person you're in love with,you gather memories together,you argue,you make up...There are happy times as well as bad days.

Often I hear people say how much of their time they've wasted by being with someone but it didn't work out in the end.

In your personal opinion,do you think these were 7 years of yr life wasted?
I tend to believe that no matter how a relationship ends,it somehow brings you something.You learn from past mistakes and experiences...

Sometimes it's better not to look back.There is a reason for the past and a reason for the future.Our history is what shapes us in some ways...

As for having any reason to love someone...I agree with your friend who said how important it is to have a reason to love someone.Somehow during the course of life,when the days won't be so bright and you need to hold on to something,you'll remember why in the first place you fell in love...

Friend said...

Love is not about finding someone you can live with but someone who u can't live without. This special person subtly fills the gaps in your life by just being him/herself.

Rashikaps said...

When it comes to love - I think we are all guided by some sort of logic, reasoning.. however basic it may be. There's always a reason.. rather there are more chances of there being several reasons.

Those reasons may change over the years as people evolve. That's natural. And, I guess when people grow in different directions, can't find or don't want to find any reasons to love the other, they split. :(

zewt said...

anonymous aka BC - well, if the bond is strong... then why not? :)... that is what i mean by not putting the love to the test.

angele - i went to your blog and read about your sad entry. hope everything is fine. i didnt leave a comment cos it was disabled. oh... i am not looking back... that incident is really in the past already... i am just using it as an example... i am not happily engaged to wonderful girl.

Friend - that my friend, is a very famous saying... and it's indeed very true.

Rashikaps - hi there, welcome to As Zewt As It Gets. so you're the "love with a reason" school of thoughts. well, to each its own. thanks for dropping by... hope to see ya around.

narrowband said...

Damn. This post took up all of my braincell-capacity to come up with a reason... the reason.

It's really a thought-provoking post and I couldn't wait to jump to the comments to read what others have got to share - and boy.... 70+ comments *faints*.

But after some thinking, I think there must be a reason to love someone. I wonder what will happen if I say my reason as "Because... you're you". I think I'll get a weird look from her.

Bena said...

Man... I am in a relationship for almost two years now and it felt like forever! However I love him and couldnt imagine life without him. Still, deep inside my heart I know that the chances of us getting married and starting a family(every girl's dream)is pretty slim. Infact, almost non-existent. Nonetheless, i could not imagine one day I will not be able to talk to him and see him again(he's living overseas),especially I never experience a break-up in my life. :( depressed...

april said...

You should change your job to customer service instead of an accountant or a consultant.. kekeke~!! Am I right?

zewt said...

narrowband - well, if you said that... you wont be the first. there are many who have taken such road before you... hahaha..!

april - i think you comment salah post eh? :P

Anonymous said...

zewt...if the bond is strong, I don't think the wife will put the husband in the position in the first place. don't you think?

Further, you say the wife fancies the ex? So, by default, what are the chances that the bond is strong mate?

So, your make believe assumptions are not impossible, but improbable.

And at the end of the day, everyone has their own tolerence levels. So, you will have to ask the husband in question.

If you were to ask me, if my wife still fancies the ex. I will not only ask her to go for the trip, I will ask her to marry him. She has my best wishes. Really. hhaha....

Some poets call it a sacrifice on my part. To me, it's just being practical and realistic.

Haha.

BC

H.C. Tan said...

'love me for a reason, let the reason be love...'

-Princess Shin- said...

Oh.. I hope you are okay! =)

I often ask myself this question also. And like you I heard about the no reason equals real love thing. But seriously I think we can discuss and debate all we want but at the end of the day if it doesn't work out it will not work out.

Love is a mysterious thing. No point understanding it.

Take care!

zewt said...

bena - well... if you go out with someone while being a student... that's the consequences. well, i dowan to pour cold water on you cos i have been there done that... my advice... cherish all the moments now. having said that... there are a few of my friends who survived beyond college and working life...

anonymous aka BC - have to say you have your point. but dont think i wanna debate further, i am sure you know what i mean by putting it to the test. there will be time when such thing will happen ... :) hahaha... if you can be so realistic when it comes to love... then i guess, it isnt really love.

HC Tan - so corny la u...

Princess shin - that was more than 4 years ago la, but thanks. good point, love is really... in the eye of the beholder as well.

Big Rice said...

i think the bottomline is that the attributes that the world is looking at are all wrong. a person's sweetness, gentleness or demureness can change. but a person's attitudes towards life, their principles & beliefs are pretty fundamental; that's what makes each of us unique. it's like a foundation.

when one knows what kind of common perpectives in life the other party should have & finds it, that would become The Reason to love the person. that makes one willing to commit to the other even though he/she may have changed.

unless the person's principles changes like weather, then it will be well advised to steer clear of such a person... hahaha..

zewt said...

big rice - so you're saying... you fall without a reason, but stay in love for a reason... right? thanks for your input :)

Big Rice said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Big Rice said...

well, something like that. i think guys & gals fall in love differently. guys see it very simply - i like this girl because she is cute, she is sweet... or whatever reason = forever.

but most gals possibly have to find the person with a common standpoint before they can say they like a fella.

so depending on how u fall in love, there might or might not be a need to have a reason to fall, but definitely a reason to stay in love.

in my humble opinion, any relationship, be it friendship or work or love, after many yrs, one needs to take stock why a relationship is or isn't. perhaps i'm too complicated & that i think way too much, but often i find myself asking why i stayed in a relationship. if i could not even find a foundational reason to stay, i realize that i was just in it for very superficial reasons & that to me, has cost big time.

so, my $0.01 worth comments. ^_^

zewt said...

big rice - looks like you like this topic very much... well, no one is too complicated becos we are humans and we can never be simple. if you need a reason, then you will need to find one. no one will be able to dictate the way you love. to each its own... :)...

hilman said...

im new here. an eye opening post, at least for me. Im new to life, inexperienced in life. sad to see a 7 yrs of relationship to rubble.

with or without reason? In 'HunterXHunter' (a manga) they say "there is no reason to be friends with someone". Taking the sweet friend-relation relationship into account, we may have no reason to be friend with someone, but in something as serious as a love relationship (again, im new in this)

the reason should not in any way can change through time. I mean, you should not put beauty for a reason coz it wont last. same like characteristics. there has to be a constant reason, that you are absolutely sure will not change over time.

well, good luck!

zewt said...

hilman - besides beauty, a lot of things can also change in time. so again... the question... with or without a reason?

Anonymous said...

Hi,

Very sad to see this happening to you...and yet such is life....

I came across your post, while wandering over the internet looking for reasons myself... something that could explain why my fiance (this was also a 7 yr relationship) decided to call it quits...no, he couldn't give me a reason, and he chose to do this over the phone...and I have a new hypothesis every day on why this happened...but no tangible reasons... I thought we were a happy couple, although the last 1.5 yrs of our relationship'd been mostly long distance...

And although we didn't fall in love for any particular reason, we were passionate about a lot of the same things, and valued so many qualities in each other... those things haven't changed... but may be, as time evolved, other things have assumed priority...at least for him...

So I would end by saying... either way, whether one starts with or without a reason, we never know what future has in store for us... so "live" and enjoy all those moments while they are there... and don't worry about either the past or the future... or about the presence or absence of reasons.

zewt said...

anon @ 5.34am - hi there, so sorry to have heard your story. indeed, life is full of surprises. if you do come back and check... i would be interested how the marriage was initiated though...

Melissa said...

Hey...

I don't have any wise things to say bout this...

But I too had that 7 years come to an end. Sometimes I still wonder...why couldn't it work? I don't understand.

There is no fool proof relationship methodology. =) How do we explain why some work and some don't? People can say so many things, and give good advice...but yet...like that lor.

Haven't got it figured out. Don't think I will. But I guess, it's comforting to know that there are people who can relate.

and if you don't mind...can I put you in my list of links? think you're a pretty interesting read. heh...

zewt said...

Melissa - i think i might write a new post called 'the 7 year itch' next week... it is quite an interesting topic, dont u think? hehe... yeah, sure u can certainly link me. it will be an honour and no permission needed.

KittyCat said...

You know, I hear a lot about cases like these...usually with the guy making the call.

And interestingly, the next girl they go with are NOT as good for them as the first one (based on my personal contacts, which does not include you!).

The guys seem happier though...

I'm not talking about men ditching their first wives but if dating guys are drifting along until *something* wakes them up?

zoemusic said...

the reason is just simple: you love him/her everything despite all the flaws and ugliness you see in him/her.. that's love. sometimes you can be blinded too.

zewt said...

KittyCat - thus the saying.. once does not know the price of somethign until it's lost.

zoemusic - hey there... welcome to AZAIG. i think that is called... acceptance. :)

chiaoju said...

I'm currently in love with a guy for quite a while now - 7months maybe. But we're not together. We can't be becoz of a certain situation. And it's extremely sad. I cried a lot these days. But somehow, I find myself continue loving him. Do I really have a reason for loving him this much? Maybe. It's coz I don't see him just as a lover (who cannot be with me..hehe) but I see him as a best friend. We're able to tease each other, be all crappy with each other, and still love each other a whole lot. He's the one person that I can see myself spending my life with, and I know for a fact that I want to love this person for the rest of my life. Yea, I want to.

I don't think love dies just like that. I think we humans think love just come and go, but I think, when you first kinda fall for that person, you then think if you WANT to love this person, against all odds for years to come. Not just for now, but for the rest of your life. If you can still fall in love again and again with the same person for the rest of your life. I know I can with this guy, if given the chance. :)

Now, that's what I think love is, with or without a reason.

Anonymous said...

then u shudnt lap again or get married so tat u dun hurt ppl

bcoz u r born 2b evil..no no..ur belief/bhave following the 'yan sing boon oct'

imagine dis second u can gib sum1 ur life...next second u cant even stand 2 look at her face, wow!

do u apply dis to ur parents /sibling?

u have got a lot 2 do wif ur Expectation

zewt said...

chiaoju - love can be anything, but still... do we need a reason? that's up to us really. but i am curious... does that guy know you love him?

anon @ 14/8 @ 1.31pm - that' right... which is why... it's never about compromise or expectation... it's about acceptance. then u can stand looking at her face.

chiaoju said...

He knows zewt. He knows. I'm a very expressive person. I believe living on the edge as well. :) So, I do everything whenever I can... I guess at the end of the day, I'm just a gal who does not wish to live with any regrets.

zewt said...

chiaoju - if that is the case... you and him should take the that road... :)

There can only be one PHYL said...

Currently seeing someone right now, well I feel that I am a sentimental person therefore I look back on memories of why I love him in the first place.

Especially when we have fights :P

zewt said...

there can only be one PHYL - so you do have a reason to love him eh?

kenwooi said...

there are many perceptions of love, which made things more confusing. in my humble opinion, i think there should and should not be reasons depending on when, where, how etc.

example, i like a girl because she's sweet (a reason) but i don't have to say that's the reason when she's sweet because i love her!

confusing huh? =)

zewt said...

kenwooi - hi there... have to say... i got confused with the sweet bit there...

True love said...

I read the comments and I was in love with someone deeply and it was short ! Till today..after 4 months of not seeing each other...I still have the same passion for him ! He asked me why do I like him as he is just a normal guy...I don't have a specific reason for that, maybe is the soul connection and just simply happy being with him. I don't need a special guy to love, I only need a man that I am happy to be with ! Truly he finds my company great too ! is this a good reason to continue to love ?

zewt said...

True love - the notion of the article is not about whether the reason is good or otherwise, it's about whether you need a reason at all. so what happen when you are no longer happy with him?

Raymond said...

Selfish as it may sound, 7 years sets back a lot of opportunities.

If one starts a relationship at 21, 7 years later that will make him/her 28. So if one finds another guy/girl how many more years does one need for the relationship to blossom? By that time, one will be desperate to get married etc. .

Dont forget, girls are a ticking clock. Once girls past that period of time, problems like having kids etc...will creep up.

zewt said...

Raymond - hahaha... evil... but it's a sad truth.

Me said...

I know this is very old, but it's a topic I've been thinking a lot about lately and just stumbled accross your article today. I've been with my husband for 30 years. I love him very much. I love him for reasons. I love him because he loves me, because he's smart and funny, because he accepts me just as I am and because he treats me better than anyone deserves to be treated. I thought that was how love was. That's the only way I had ever loved. But I recently met a man that I love for no reason. It confuses me. When I look into his eyes I feel so connected to him. I feel such joy and peice and such a pulling to him. I've never felt anything like it. I know he would never treat me as well as my husband does. I know we would make each other misserable in many ways. But I love him all the same. This love feels more pure for having no reason. But which is better? Which makes more sense? I do not know. I'm still working on that.

zewt said...

Me - you are certainly on dangerous ground. there is no yes or no answer to this question... and i am sure deep down, you will have an answer to this question soon.

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