Tuesday 23 September 2008

Hypocrites aplenty

I once talked about a friend of mine whose ex-fiancé called off the marriage 3 months before the wedding date because she fell for another bloke. “Maybe she has her reason”, “maybe the guy treated her badly” were the notion of the comments from girls. And sure enough, during that ordeal, the girlfriends of that girl stood by her side.

Was my friend a bad person?

Well, he was once branded the “model boyfriend” by the ex-fiancé’s sister. And when I said model, it’s role-model, not one who graces the stage. He was also once said to be the nicest guys around. I do not need to elaborate further. But I know, girls will still have the “maybe there are things we don’t know” ringing in their mind.

Allow me to quote the exact word said to me by one of the ex-fiance’s friend (girl of course). She said… “Yes, what she did was wrong, but as her friend, I will support her”.

I cannot elaborate this story further because this friend of mine drop by AZAIG occasionally and I do not want to bring back the hurtful time he went through during that torturous ordeal, not to mention the clean up of the wedding stuff that he had to do… by himself.

Leave this story aside for a while…

A friend of mine just got divorced. The reason is that ex-wife decided to stay in the land of greener pasture while my friend has a business here and is unable to fulfil the migration dream. It was a mutual agreement.

Now, this friend of mine has got a new gf. Lo and behold… girls are bombarding my friend with comments such as… “shame on you”… “what happened to graciousness and respect?”

Before I continue, I would like to reiterate that I do not condone what this friend of mine did. The timing was indeed a bit too rush. Nevertheless, there is nothing technically wrong in what my friend did.

Further, some of us found the comments made by the girls very hypocritical. In fact, it’s damn hypocritical. Do you know why?

Because, the person who made the “shame on you” remark is the ex-fiancé of the friend in the first story, the one who dumped my friend a few months before the wedding to go with another guy. And she wants to talk about shame.

As for the one who talked about graciousness and respect, she is also an ex-gf of another friend of mine. While this friend wasn’t the best bf around, she too wasn’t the most respectful gf during their time.

Jesus said, let those who are without sin cast the first stone. This is why I neither support, nor condone what my friend did.


Anonymous said...

Well, 'SOME' people do kinda forget hurtful stuffs that they once did, & can only see what they think is wrong in their eyes...I really feel for both of them, exp Guy #1 as I really find him a ‘model boyfriend’.

Should we or should we not proud when we have such friend... (Yes, what she did was wrong, but as her friend, I will support her)

*Guys are forever in the losing end, coz they don't like to explain. Girls will always be the winner, as they would cry a bucket of tears together with 1001 reasons on why she did what she does in the first place though it’s her fault. (The crying part is crucial, as it will determine whether your friends will side you or not in addition to will they forgive you.)*

P/S: * is merely my point of view and it did not reflect that all girls are like that…

Anonymous said...

ah the complexities of the love lives of increasingly individualistic/selfish urbanites?

re casting the first stone.
in my humble opinion, many ppl interprets this as criticism, specifically criticising another christian.
for me, it's the issue of judgement, + punishment.
although we may say/point out that a person has committed adultery, i believe we draw the line in judging whether she is condemned to hell, or right or wrong, which is in the domain of God + the adulterer.
personally, things like adultery + homosexuality are things that i am still thinking/debating about. whether biblically it's forbidden, or are we just taking parts that we like + throwing things that we don't. like how the general thought is to ignore the old LAW in the OT but then we select things like adultery, homosexuality to enforce.
what do you think? homosexuality/adultery -- ok-ed by God? what about grace? which is better a homosexual who does good deeds or a heterosexual who beats his wife, abuses his child, sucks the blood of the slaves? are we to live by the Law?

Anonymous said...

at the risk of sounding sexist, logic doesn't apply to the opposite sex when it comes to these matters.

i can only liken them to cats, you just can't force them to be the way you want them to be...

MikeM said...

"SOME" girls can be virus. please female commenters dont flame me, i stressed the word "SOME"

CK said...

jed's "complexities of the love lives of increasingly individualistic/selfish urbanites" sounds so boombastic haha.... no offense jed. just admire your language prowess.

anyway, in relationship, it's always unwise for a 3rd party to comment.

§pinzer said...

it is as you see it, I've heard far too many similar stories. Alas it's the way of life, some just have to believe in retribution and of course, being on no one's side, we are still able to lend an ear regardless, and that for me is what i can do to console those who need consoling :)

Anonymous said...

Yes a lot of ppl are quite hypocritical. Sorry to say this, but esp Asians.

We like to gossip and pass judgement to people. We like to be very self righteous.

If everybody can just use more of the "gossip energy" to do something productive, perhaps the society wouldn't be where it is at this stage.

Tine said...

I agree with Pavlova. For a hardly very-righteous race, Asians tend to be very self-righteous and hypocritical of others. I'm an Asian and I'd call myself a hypocrite too.

I've learned the hard way that when it comes to other people's relationships, it's best not to judge. Karma has a way of coming back to bite you in the ass.

Little Jennifer said...

many times, we have faced this kind of friends or friend's friends...but we jsut heard and forgot...jsut remember try not to do that to your love ones...then everything will be fine..right?

btw, just want to say, it's hard to explain sometime...i mean 'kan jing'' is really really hard..u know?..sigh...:(

missironic said...

some girls can say the crappiest things? hahaha...

Purple~MushRooM said...

No one will truly understand the situation other than the person going through it. There is no right or wrong in 'feelings or emotion' (感情). I have been through similar situation and I truly understand it. Who are we to judge?

"Joe" who is constantly craving said...

sigh..dun take sides..karma la..encourage it comes back to u..discourage also..it might come back to you..

Seaqueen said...

Wah! Like a love triangle. Date among friends. Anyway, who are we to judge even though we can't help it at times huh?

In the matter of backing up friends, I guess, it depends on whether it's d right matter or not and to listen to both sides rather than one though it may be difficult to do so.

I've seen plenty of guys who back up their buddies even though they're playing with "fire". I think it depends on what the individual friend is brought up to think.

Jorji said...

wakil tuhan.

mereka suka nak judge other people tapi pada diri sendiri mereka rasa ok.

me said...

very the complicated lah the relationships between your friend, your friend's ex-gf, the friend of friend, or gf of friend, friend of gf....*pusing*

Anonymous said...

jam says: when we want to criticize others, look at ourselves first.

Huei said...

haha wow! complicating! but i guess since we're neither one of the party..it's hard for us to understand or have the rights to support who

anyway..seems like love is getting more n more fragile!

Anonymous said...

dis is sexist

Anonymous said...

dont ever treat them good, they will go away. If you kick and slap them, they will come back for you.

they wanna control you, if you let them to. they will leave u because they find no excitement in u anymore.

zewt said...

Kerry - yeah, totally agree, the wonders of tears. but the main difference is still... u will support your friend. but if my friend is at fault, we guys wont support him.

Jed Yoong - interesting point on ignoring the old LAW in OT but yet choose and pick some stuff. but did Jesus asked us to obey the law of Moses? which in turn... 10 commandments? not too sure on this one really.

anon @ 23/9 11.10pm - i think logic does not come in when it comes to relationship.

michael song - hahaha...ok, point taken.

CK - my points exactly. especially when you yourself arent that clean.

Spinzer - in tis situation, it's not about lending ears. it's about looking at yourself before doing anything.

zewt said...

pavlova - unfortunately, ppl would rather gossip more than anything.

Tine - karma... u got any? :P

sugarbaby - err... what's kan jing?

missironic - indeed... indeed.

purple mushroom - you've been through huh... interesting.

constant craver joe - discourage also come... then how lah?

zewt said...

seaqueen - tell me about it. that's why everyone knows everyone's shit.

j or ji - sebab pada mereka, ada sebab yang paling munasabah.

me - i am sure your brain can take it wan lah.

jam - absolutely.

huei - it's always complicating indeed. but whether to support or not, we must still exercise judicious.

anon @ 24/9 12.16pm - please... in all humble request.... how???

Edi神 - hahahahaha... that's very bitter man... very bitter. u kena bitten before ah?

Terra Shield said...

You know, I don't think any of us have a right to pass judgement on other people's actions. We will all end up being hypocrites in that case....

myop101 said...

hi zewt,

not feeling well today... not sure why. perhaps i will ask my boss to let me go off at the exact end of the official working hour.

i am not sure of the timing but personally, where will the cut off be? are we less judgemental if it is 3 years? or 2? or 1? or 6 months? or 5 months and 29 days? you know, the relative comfort anyone would feel if it is ok?

on the divorce thing, i think in the first place the couple shouldn't have gotten married. afterall, what is the point of giving the vows, "in sickness and in health, in times of joy and trouble, till death do us part"? perhaps it is foolishness and eagerness of youth?

i am no fan of divorce because strictly speaking, if i am going to divorce my wife on "irreconcilable differences" i would remain celibate for the rest of my life or until she passes on and perhaps, only then, i might pursue someone else. unlike a lot of people, i am neither proud nor foolish to say that i marry my only gf in my life. it was a commitment made back in 1999 and it stays the same till today.

we argue for sure, in fact many times, i wanted to end our relationship (prior to our marriage of course) but instead, by grace of God, i didn't. i learn to realise the troubles i cause in my relationship (and from there fix it) and learn to be more forgiving.

as for the girl who called off the wedding 3 months before they actually commit themselves, i think what she did is out of pure selfishness/lack of commitment but at least she didn't enter into a "contract" where the only way to unwound is by way of separation because they simply don't fit with one another. imagine what if she realises it when she has a child with him?

being a married man, i am sure you are well aware that it is not powered solely by love but by commitment and sacrifice to one another needs. we are to accept our other halves as ourselves and yes, as much as i would selfishly love to hoard some stuff (e.g. money...:P) for myself, i realise since i am married, i am obliged to share out of commitment.

A marriage afterall, is not an easy and happy ride to the sunset where everything will end with "happily ever after".

ok, it is hypocritical for the lady in the first story to pass judgemental remarks? both are actually different situations as far as i see it. i am less incline to call her a hypocrite. rather, i would just see her as a person who can't make up her mind, lacks commitment and yes, selfish (but who isn't anyway since we all manifest selfishness to a certain degree).

one tend to be upset with this kind of person and i pity her future husband, because he can never for sure know if she is committed or will run off one fine day on the day or marriage.

may the grace of God be with those who are mourning and suffering.

Ninja said...

You know these kind of people really annoy the hell out of me. It's like they have 2 different sets of rules by which they abide...

The sad truth is that a lot of women out there are just so, for lack of a better word, 'passionate' about finding fault with men. I don't know if it is because they were burnt badly by (many) men or whether it just makes them feel more 'sisterly' and shit whenever they condemn men

The best thing is to not judge people AT ALL!

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

When my wife was single, she got a lot of suitors but finally I manage to woe her. But I seldom treat her well, in fact, I slapped her, I kicked her, I scolded her in public, I poured water over her and humiliated her like a dog.

The trick to make a women love you is to treat her bad most of the time and once in a while treat her like princess.

She will stick to you like a super glue. That’s why chastity belt were made, Women cant be trusted.

H.C. Tan said...

it's quick to judge others, but one is blinded when he/she is subjected to these kind of situations. as u said, there is no right or wrong...

and us as 3rd party observers...we can say that "she must've had her own reasons" or "it was a mutual break up thing"...well and if i were the girl's friend (of Situation #1), i'd stand by my friend also, of course. i would advise her the practical solution, but in the end it's up to her.

Love now is no longer unconditional love, dividing probs, responsibility and commitment anymore. if the girl splits with the guy also good lah, better than having an affair with another bloke next time right?

sungguh complicated...maybe should go back to "arranged marriage" system. hehe.

Anonymous said...

Why do lot of people divorce their wives to be with China dolls?

because China Dolls treat Men like a Men not of equal partner.

men and women are never equal. There is no happy home if Women tried to rule.

Anonymous said...

Nowadays we see a lot of Old Unmarried women.

because they are too macho.

They will be happy till 40 because there are still suitor but after 40 they will long for MAN!

Die a lonely death, withou children nor husband.

Vivien said...


Unknown said...

Can't agree more on this hypocrisy topic. also, guys at the losing end most of the time! how many times have you come out as a winner without feeling guilty in arguments, zewt? =P

zewt said...

terra shield - absolutely. better check ourselves before saying anything.

myop101 - hope you're feeling much better now. interesting point on marriage being powered not only by love. indeed, commitment and responsibilities play very important roles in the marriage institution. and you're right, better she calls it off than to drag on worthlessly. wow... your commitment to your wife deserves utmost respect.

sabrina - yup... 2 sets of rules... couldnt agree more. and i am so happy you're not part of them. dont fall to the dark side.

Edi - hahahahahaha.... to a certain extent, you're right... on the part where girls only fall for the guys who treat them badly. perhaps not badly but a guy should not be a wussy and just fall flat on a girl's skirt... sexist it may sound but if you want a girl to fall for a man... be a man. and you certainly sounds very accomplished hahahahaha...

HC Tan - yup... better call it off... but because of that, she has no right to comment on others who didnt really do the same thing, not even close. yes, i do wonder whether arrange marriage is the way to go hahaha...

Ho jiak - hi there, welcome. i hope you dont mean it's interesting to eat :)

Walau - nah... sometimes, guys win too... when they choose not to care... when they choose to be a jerk... many a times, it will make the girl love him more.

Miss Pharmacist said...


P/S: not all females are like that... =P

taxy said...

Yeah. That hypocrisy story should not stereotype genders. Change the story to remove all gender specific identifiers, like "she/he" did this to your "guy/girl" friend. Then, this reader of yours will get even more confused over who did the kissing and telling and dumping and yakking. :)

Anonymous said...

Yeah.. I cannot stand people who pass remarks and judgments, calling people whores or sluts when they themselves are screwing other women's husbands. Hypocrites? You haven't seen the worst yet. Welcome to the real world.

Anonymous said...

That's why the guys... pls look what's inside, not outside. Most guys go for super lenglui, etc etc... but at the end of the day, which girl stays faithful to u? Love is a stupid thing sometimes.

Anonymous said...

That's why the guys... pls look what's inside, not outside. Most guys go for super lenglui, etc etc... but at the end of the day, which girl stays faithful to u? Love is a stupid thing sometimes.

Anonymous said...

- it is true that 3rd party should not comment on this
- it is true that 3rd party do not have the whole story of both sides to form a judgement
- it is true that your guy friend (the divorcee) is obviously not very sensitive to get into another relatioship so quickly
- it is true in a relationship, it takes 2 to make it work, but if one has lost the 'passion', why prolong the suffering
- it is true that it is totally fine to support your friend's decision, even though it might hurt someone.. in the name of 'it was for the better'
- it is true that you have every right to say whatever you want and not look yourself in the mirror

The debate of who is at fault will go on forever without an answer.

Purple~MushRooM said...

Zewt, things happen in life which makes us realised and change the way we perceived things. My experience if totally different from that of what your friends did to their fiance or exs.

Anonymous said...

woman hold on to their heuristic approach

that's why we man hate them in the office

always emotional....never refer to logic

i hate them as much as i love them

zewt said...

Miss Pharmacist - yup... agree. not all. but the 2 who commented are.

Taxy Driver - hahaha... not serious enough. this post is serious. it's evolving as we speak.

gina - i am sure there are worse... tat's the wonder of this world.

littlepolaris - correction... those 2 girls are hardly leng lui.

kazu - i know how u feel brother.

purple mushroom - hopefully, we dont have to go through the worse.

erm - like they say... cant live with them, cant live without them.