A quick shout out

Here is a very quick shout all to all visitors of AZAIG... Happy Independence Day... but if you're not that happy... have a well desered break!

Long live the King!

Afraidology

In the light of the recent increase in dosage of ‘sensitive’ entries in AZAIG, someone asked me if I am afraid. While I don’t really consider those entries of mine senstive, I have to admit, I do have a considerable amount of fear. Well, don’t we all? Just ask yourself in the mirror whether you are one of those who scream in silence and have plenty to say but never got around saying it because you are afraid.

But hey… there is no need to feel guilty as being afraid has always been the tradition of the people…

Bring a migrant; my grandfather was afraid that his citizenship will be stripped if he was to talk too much. That’s what he told my dad, which explains why my dad is very concern about his citizen certificate. Yeah, during those times, they issue such document on top of identity card.

My dad also picked up this trait. He always tells me that he is afraid the dreaded 13 May will repeat itself. As such, he and his peers learnt to stay silent, just like grandfather, though the source of the fear is different.

Hence, this trait has also been passed to me. I am afraid that I will be ISA-ed, and as such, I should learn how to shut up. So you see, if you’re like me, there is no need to feel guilty. “Being afraid” has always been our way of life.

10 years down the road, let us all tell our children that we didn’t do anything because we were afraid. But doesn’t it make us wonder, that if we failed to reach grassy lands, what will our children be afraid of then…?

On a separate note, I will be on the look out for a colour as we commemorate our independence this Friday… a colour of hope. Yes, I will have to say it means nothing; it will most probably achieve nothing. But to me, it’s a matter of whether there is a glimmer of hope… or are we just afraid.

Don’t be a dirty fellow

Someone sent me a mail today telling me about a particular call to go yellow. Just as I was about to finish reading it, my colleague who sits behind me asked…

“Are you going yellow?”

Nah… don’t think so, and I think you shouldn’t too. Why? Here is why…

One…
We’re not getting paid for it. Malaysians don’t do things for free.

Two…
We don’t want to be associated with he-who-shall-not-be-named because we got no balls. And I am not referring to Lord Voldermort you Harry Pothead junkie.

Three…
Yellow is not a cool colour. And imagine being in a sea of yellow, it’s just so not cool. We like to be different.

Four…
It won't make a difference.

Five…
We don’t want to make a difference cos things are just so brilliant now.

There you go… say no to yellow… don’t be a dirty fellow… ok? Cos i am not going to...

Updated: Tingtitlei has also pointed out a few reasons not to do it.

Imminent extinction

On any given day, the most read piece of news in TheStar will usually sound something like “Girl abducted and raped”… “Woman raped while jogging”… “Teen held over the rape of under-age girl”… “Mat Rempit wild sex party”. Agree?

But no… not for today. The modern slaves from the accounting sector took centre stage today. And I must say, it’s a pretty good piece of news. It is something which is becoming increasingly prevalent, particularly in the last few years and from what I heard, those big bosses from the Big 4 accounting firms actually held a closed door meeting together (mind you, they are rivals) to discuss integrated measures to protect their territory.

For years, such accounting firms in Malaysia, by taking leverage on their “reputation”, have lured countless souls into giving up their most valuable part of their lives to pursue a dream that often ends up in nightmares. These souls are often given a take-it-or-leave-it offer and strange enough, most of them (including me), will willingly sign on the most deceiving document of all. True, some of us managed to live our dreams, but not without much sacrifices, some of which may be too great a price to pay.

Having being brain-washed into believing that being in such glamorous accounting firms are the try and tested way to success, all these souls, who are now officially slaves are often led to believe that they must work their ass off for a puny salary purely because they cannot gain the supposedly valuable experience somewhere else.

Fortunately for the slaves… and unfortunately for the local accounting firms, the fact that the world is getting flatter and people are getting more and more mobile means modern slaves in the accounting world can now ply their slave-hood somewhere else… in countries that will pay more and in some countries… less work too!
On the average, a senior consultant, or whatever glamour name which these firms give will someone who has been a slave for 3 – 4 years will earn between RM3,000 to RM4,500 per month in Malaysia, if you perform. Mind you, this is the salary range of the so called BIG 4 accounting firms. Maybe it’s quite a good pay to you but if you have to work an average of 16 hours a day, 7 days a week, it can kill.

The same senior consultant can leave and work in China for the exact same pay… the only difference… the currency is US$, why not? Even if the hours are the same, why not? And if one moves to the UK or Australia (which is the current trend), working hours are reduced significantly.

It’s interesting to note this part…
Reading that, I can't help but think that accountants in Malaysia are the lowest paid slaves in the region, taking into consideration the amount of work put in. But you know what’s worse? All these big firms will keep telling us that we are highly paid.

Well… continue with such attitude, the extinction will just come faster that you can possibly imagine.

Did you find it funny?

A few months ago, I blogged about a girl who dropped dead in Singapore due to excessive over-time and the story of that girl was circulated amongst my colleagues. One of them was brave enough to print out the article and put it up in our department’s notice board. What do you think was everyone’s reaction?

We laughed, not openly of course. We all applauded that colleague’s courage and then laughed about it, saying that it’s an indirect message to the management. Everyone who saw that piece of news on the notice board will put on a cheeky smile and walk away. But what was the real intention of putting it up? For us to laugh, or to actually tell us something? We chose the latter. I wonder if you will actually find it funny if such thing actually happen to someone you know, or perhaps even yourself.

Did you find it funny?

A kid was reported dead due to his motorcycle accident with a… ‘pothole’. Me and my friends were talking about it and before you know it, we were sharing our experience with potholes and one thing led to another, we were laughing at each other.

“Caused my rim to bengkok you know!”
(bengkok = crocked)

Did we realise that our roads are poorly maintained due to poor management? Did you laugh at it or see the root of the problem? I wonder… and of course, if you happen to be related to the victim, I am sure you will not find it funny.

Did you find it funny?

Someone pointed me to this piece of news and I started to let some of my colleagues and friends know. Some of the initial comments include “Die lor, means no more bak kut teh, how ah?” … “Good lor, can have 4 wives”… and of course, everyone started to laugh about it. I wonder if we will laugh about it if it comes into reality. When we do have to face it, I wonder if we have the mood to crack more jokes.

Did you find it funny?

Hey… I do!! I am still alive despite being a modern slave so what my colleague did was quite cheeky. It was funny. I drive a car so encounters with potholes are not really fatal. And I have a job, living a comfortable life plus I can afford to repair any damages caused by poor road maintenance. What’s the fuss about poor road maintenance? Maybe 4 wives isn’t such a good idea, economically speaking but hey… I am sure some of us are rich enough to afford such, no?

Yeah, when things have no hit us yet, I guess it’s pretty funny after all.

On a separate note, what was your reaction when you read last Friday’s entry? I am sure most of you found it to be hilarious, no? I am certainly one of them. Some of you probably thought it was stupid to drink and f**k. Yeah, that is probably the lesson from that tale. Nevertheless, you will probably not find it funny if that story hit some nerves in you. You might even find that offensive if you can somehow associate yourself to the victim (not the guy). Of course, if you happen to be the victim, you will certainly be disgusted.

I truly admire those who might have been offended but yet to choose the funny side of it, you know who you are. I guess being to see the funny side of things does have its advantages.

One night on a wrong stand

Finally, the end of the week is here. It has been hell for me since I was on leave the whole of last week so I was suffering from maximum withdrawal syndrome for the whole of this week. So it’s good that Friday is here.

Speaking of Friday, what do you guys do on a typical Friday night? Brave through the jam and queue for movie tickets? Drinks at some of the posh bar? Clubbing and hope to get lucky? Oh, about getting lucky, how many of you think one night stand is a rare thing in this country? One of my friend said it’s pretty common, and he said something really hilarious happened to his friend’s friend.
Let me tell you the story of my friend’s friend’s friend (“FFF”)…

This FFF was out in this particular club one night, apparently at one of the ‘meat market’ in town. Ya’ know, where the girls are out to get picked. Because it was his first time, he had to indulge himself in quite a huge amount of alcohol to garner enough courage to make his move. After a sufficient dosage of hard liquor, he identified his target and made his move.

FFF was really lucky, all he did was to say “hi”, introduced himself, buy that girl a drink and she was all over him already. Maybe this FFF is a charming guy, a total hunk, I dunno. He brought his conquest back to his table and bid his friends farewell for the night. His mates, who were also intoxicated with quite a heavy dosage of alcohol, were in total awe.

So off he went… as soon as he entered the room, the kissing started and groping followed and before you know it, the clothes were all started the come off. Within minutes, they were on the bed humping away. Actually, that was actually me trying to be imaginative, I wasn’t revealed the details. All I know was they f**cked a couple of times, till they both dropped dead and slumbered into the night.

Half way through the night, as the effect of the alcohol began to ease, FFF was soon slowly but surely coming to sober. As soon as he recalled what just happened, a smile came to his face and as soon as he turned over to admire his conquest with his sober mind … in the exact words my friend said to me…

“Waaahhhh!!!! Yi go fei h*i pin go lei gei?????”
(Waaahhhh!!!! who is this fat bitch?????)

It probably just hit FFF that perhaps he is the conquest, not supposed babe lying next to him then. He knew he had to get out of there before she wakes. So he slowly picked up his clothes and immediately put on his underwear to protect his tool, fearing that he might be raped if she wakes.

Fully clothed, he made his way out in the most silent manner ever. But just as he was about to leave the premise… and again, in the exact words said to me…

“TIIIUUUUUUUU LORRRRR!!!! Yi kan mai hai ngo ouk kei????!!!!!
(F**********CK!!!! This is my home!!!!!!)

My friend said he doesn’t know the conclusion… Do you have any hilarious tales to share?

Happy weekend everyone. I will be out of town.

P/S: Would really like to know who is the Grace who always link me in kinja.

P/S/S: Also would like to have a peep at some locked blogs from where readers arrive at AZAIG such as “vonmouledv2 @ blogspot” and “lorainnelee @ blogspot”.

We should all stop

I think I am going to listen to what most of you said, going to let this Namewee off the hook, not going to talk about him anymore. Heck, I don’t even wanna have anything to do with him. After all, it’s not like he is some celebrity like Gwen Stefani who is in town. And of course, we’re already getting bored with the same ‘ol shit. We all like things hot, out of the oven… like the national tragedy a few weeks ago, or was it last week. No point talking about outdated stuff right? So yeah, won't talk about him anymore. By the way, what’s with the fuss about some Nuri crash?

Why talk about someone who acted beyond his means? He should have just shut up and live his life, then he wouldn’t have got himself in so much trouble. Yeah, our country is pretty screwed up here and there but who cares? I certainly don’t. Do you? I have a job, I got a car, I can still go shopping and life is all good, why complain? Yeah, petrol is expensive, toll everywhere but heck, you and I can afford to pay still right? Why go and stupidly do a rap about the things that you and I talk about at the mamak every week?

Speaking about things we talked about at the mamak, those are the things that somehow make our ‘teh tarik’ and ‘maggi goreng’ taste better. We talked about it, complain a bit, as soon as we flush the ‘the tarik’ down our throat, all our frustrations are also flushed down our guts. After all, we have been swallowing all these things for years. What’s the big deal right?

Okay, I know… maybe things have been getting out of hands lately. But heck… things have always been getting out of hands, it’s just a matter whether you know it or not. What you don’t know won't hurt you. Ignorance is bliss… if you’re not happy with things; don’t go around reading blogs written by ‘goblok’ fellas or cowards. Best remedy is to read comics mainstream newspaper… then you will know the big boss said he wants to be fair and will be fair… damn good news right? Precisely… just be happy and live our life… don’t go around doing some stupid act like this Namewee.

And most important of all, we certainly don’t want to be seen to be having some sort of connection with this Namewee fella. I mean… he is now the national villain, akin to the most wanted man in the country. What if they think we are Namewee’s associates, we’ll be screwed too! We might also get our citizenship revoked! After all, anything is possible in this country. Okay… right… maybe some of us don’t really bother about our citizenship cos we don’t give a damn about our voting rights but still… what if they ISA him and we get ISA-ed too! Shit!

There you go, so many reasons not to talk about this dude anymore. Besides, by the end of this month, he might be forgotten already. Unless of course there’s another screw up somewhere and the comics newspaper needs to divert our attention again.

So Namewee, you’re on your own… none of us is going to walk with you. Your effort is worth the laugh, and that’s as good as it gets. We are too comfortable with our life and too patriotic to get our hands dirty. You should have just shut the f*ck up and stomach all the shit we have been given… just like us… we’ve been doing it for years.

P/S: Have you voted at the new poll or not? That’s the least you can do la…

Faultology

When there is a snatch theft incident… it’s the victim’s fault for not being vigilant enough.

When someone focused a camera on some woman’s skirt… it’s the woman’s fault for wearing a skirt.

When someone got raped… it’s the victim’s fault for walking alone in broad daylight.

When there is a flash flood… it’s the rain’s fault for coming earlier than expected.

When unemployment rate is high… it’s the graduates’ fault.

When the haze is here… it’s Indonesia’s fault.

When there is a roof leakage… it’s the building’s fault for being old.

When there is a landslide or highway collapse… It’s God’s fault

When there is a bus accident… it’s the driver’s fault.

When an unapproved bus is let loose on the road… it’s the bus company’s fault.

When you lose in a badminton match to a lower ranked player… it’s the coach’s fault.

For all other things… it’s Namewee’s fault.

Please enlighten me

I really don’t like this Namewee. Not only he is getting too much attention, he has also successfully diverted all our attention from other things, and it made me looked stupid. Why? It’s because some people are talking about some alphabets and I have no idea what they are talking about. I have to pretend as though I know and it made me look stupid. See what this Namewee has done to me!

The thing I am talking about is some dunno what P and K and FZ… I think it’s PKFZ. Have you heard of it before? No? That’s why la!!! Must be this Namewee’s fault! He is so famous till we all talk about him and dunno about any other things. And me trying to be smart, I thought it stands People Keep F**king Zewt!!! Then everyone laughed me. See, this Namewee made me look so stupid.

Then someone pointed out to me that it stands for Port Klang Free Zone. Heard of it? See! You’re also all pretty blur about this right? People from Klang, have you heard of this before? If not, I think it’s that Namewee’s fault again. You must be reading too much about that dude till you know that you have a free zone around your area. Don’t you just hate Namewee for taking too much of your attention?

I must admit, I am totally oblivious about it until they say the big boss is going to spend RM4.6b to bail out assist that free zone. Woooaaaahhh… talk about something defeating its purpose, what’s supposed to be free turned out to cost 4.6b bucks! But I am still pretty blur about it, still suffering from Namewee overdose. Are you? Yes, I am going to blame him for everything this week.

Can someone please enlighten me about this PKFZ? If you dunno what it is, stop talking about Namewee and start reading about this PKFZ la! It’s 4.6b bucks for goodness sake.

We should not forgive him

The name is Wee Meng Chee, also known as Namewee. He has delivered his apology for his infamous Negarakuku song and much has been said about him. Our big boss said that he is forgiven but will have to face the law nonetheless. Pak Lah, I have to disagree, I think that dude shouldn’t be forgiven at all! Here are my reasons…

The art of asking for forgiveness has got its precedent, set by a certain big shot from Klang who built a mansion on state land. Then, Pak Lah said we should all forgive that Klang fella for what he has done because he has asked for forgiveness and he has “repent”. And there is one very important element… “tears”. Namewee, if you wanna be forgiven, you must cry like that fella from Klang. Namewee didn’t cry, thus shouldn’t not be forgiven, but that big shot from Klang should.

Secondly, Namewee should not be forgiven because I think his apology was not sincere. Some people are saying that his parents were harassed and threatened, which led to his apology. If that is the case, I don’t think his apology is sincere, he was forced and being intimidated into doing it and as such, it can't be sincere. So he shouldn’t be forgiven.

Thirdly, his Negarakuku parody blew the secret that the national anthem is a pirated borrowed version from a particular song called Mamula Moon. Talk about opening a can of worms. Namewee’s little act has revealed to us that the pride and identity of the nation was based on a Hawaiian tune. We all should be made to believe that the national anthem is original, and he blew it all. Cannot… we cannot forgive him.

Last but not least, we should not forgive him because has been occupying too much space in the blogosphere. Blogs are supposed to only talk about what we did in a day, bitch about so and so, camwhore our faces and other fun stuff. But this Namewee dude caused even the regular personal blogs to put up an entry about him. In addition, his antics even caused a person like Kennysia (never thought I would link him but this entry deserves a link) to start talking poltics and do parady on another song! This is certainly a very unhealthy competition. He certainly should not be forgiven. He is such a bad influence.

Check out Kennysia’s video here before he is being threatened and forced to take it down and apologise insincerely.

See, we shouldn’t forgive this Namewee, right?

P/S: A new poll is out, time to cast your vote again...

Keywords splendour

One of the feature which I like really much about StatCounter.com is the ‘keyword analysis’ function. No, this is not a sponsored post. This function allows you to track what word internet user used in search engine to arrive at A.Z.A.I.G. Besides the usual zewt or ‘as zewt as it gets’, I must say some of the keywords I saw are pretty interesting.

For a start, I think people really hate their bosses. Check this out…

Gee… I never know my blog provides ways for people to take revenge on their bosses. But... sine that person is now your ex-boss... how was it? And people looking for EeChia in my blog?

Wahh!! That’s the way to go man! Tell your boss you’re late because you were made to work late! Whoever you are… you the man!

Well, those are the boss related keywords. But ya’ know what? Besides the above, I see a host of really ‘sexciting’ keywords, some of them pretty freaky…

‘Orgasm auto’… I think most of us will want that don’t u think? As for what you should think so that you won't cum… try thinking about your boss. By the way, who searched for “blogspot big 4 hate auditor quit”? hmmm……

I presume the user meant ‘human’. But what the hell… since when did A.Z.A.I.G. turned into a kamasutra blog? Hmmm… now I am being reminded of a particular “donkey punch”.

Can someone please tell me what in the world is ‘ah ah oh woman pic’? And I am darn sure you won't find such pic here in A.Z.A.I.G.! Or could you? Hmmmm… who “kena raba” (groped)? Did you like it?

Okayyy… who wants to exchange orgasm? You mean exchange with another gender? What they hell are these people thinking about? You're obviously 'cuntfused'. And A.Z.A.I.G. is no kamasutra, can't tell you how to make a girl cum. Girls, any tips? Oh… by the way, someone actually searched for ‘liverfool’? LOL !!!

Errr… whoever you are, if you find out… let us all know ok?

I am a guy, though many perceived I was a chick, so it’s a wonder how this blog can provide such answer. Girls, any idea? Is it the same?

Whoever you are… tough luck mate. And to the fella got pimple from looking at porn… serve you right man! LOL!

Those are the few sexciting ones. But I tell you what, there are 2 quite… errr… ‘disgusting’… like this one…
Man, you’re sick! No wonder we have so many rapes around. Whoever you are, you ain’t going to find any solution here. Go see a doc before it’s too late mate.

As for the next one, I don’t know whether he is sick or he is lucky or wants to be lucky. Check this one out…

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Geee… whoever you are, were you trying to screw her or you’ve screwed her? Whatever it is, you ain’t going to find any love potion to your mom’s best friend here.

Last but not least… well, you have to pity this girl. I think most probably it’s a girl who made the search. Don’t believe me? have a look at this…

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Now tell me… who is it now? Come on, don't need to be shy... hehe...

P/S: A.Z.A.I.G. = As Zewt As It Gets = name of this blog.

A world of idiots

Have you ever encounter some idiots who just irritate the shit out of you? No, they are not those morons whom I mentioned before. Those are very specific cases, one of a kind. I am talking about generic idiots, performing idiotic acts that are just pure irritating. They may be different people, but they can be doing the same idiotic things. Let me name you a few…

One type of generic idiots whom I always encounter is those whom I called I-must-press-the-button idiot, always appearing in elevator lobbies. When I am the first to reach the elevator lobby and press the “up” button, the second fella who reaches the lobby just have to do the same. There will be a whole bunch of such idiots who will keep pressing the button, despite knowing that it has been pressed and it won't make the elevator comes faster, all the way till the elevator arrives. Worse, some of these idiots will press it a few times and look at you as though it’s your fault that the elevator is slow. Bunch of idiots!

The second type of generic idiots is also connected to elevators. Well, it’s not exactly their fault but it still irritates the hell out of me, particularly when I am in a hurry. Say if you get into an elevator and you wanted to go to floor x. What irritates me is that the elevator will stop at x-2, an idiot will come in and he intends to get to x-1. For example, I want to get to the 10th floor, some idiot will board the elevator on the 8th floor and get out on the 9th floor. Damn freaking irritating!! If you’re going down, reverse the formula. For goodness sake, take the stairs when it’s one floor. What an idiot!

Next are those idiots who hog the line. No, I am not talking about traffic or any sort of queue, I am talking about those who hog the lines in a “chap fan” (economy rice) store. These idiots will just stare at the dishes as though they are choosing their life partners. C’mon, make up your mind and get out of the way. How much it costs and how good it tastes will not change if you give them your idiotic stare. Worse, there are those who take one dish and stand there like a model… ponder and hog the line. For goodness sake, once you’ve taken your pick, choose your next dish or pay! What an idiot.

Another bunch of idiots who are downright irritating are those holy Malaysian drivers. How do you know they are holy? Well… because they put up a lot of those holy car stickers, which are quite a trend nowadays. They will put up all sorts of nice and heavenly and godly car stickers with verses and phrases from the relevant religion’s holy book. But!!! They will drive like a devil and the moment you honk them or cut into their lanes or tread into their territories, they may reciprocate by giving you the middle finger hand-signal. Maybe that’s a sign of religious people. But to me, they are just a bunch of holy-drivers-wannabe idiots.

Have you been to the sauna before? The pail of water there is for you to pour into the sauna rocks to increase the humidity of the room. And the right way to pour is to slowly spread the water across the rocks in order for it vaporise, and the steam will heat up the room. But some idiots will just walk in and keep pouring like their lives depend on it, not knowing that consistent pouring will cool down the sauna rocks thus cooling the room. Worse, this bunch of idiots will have the guts to say… “Why still not hot wan ah?”

Have you been to a saloon where there is a particular stylist who is very popular? Every freaking customer who walks in will want to have her (usually a her) cut their hair, I have seen such things a few times. And they will make a big fuss when they wait too long and complain about other people jumping queue. Yeah, fair complaints perhaps. But do you know why they are idiots? Because all these customers (usually guys), have nothing much on their head to be cut anymore. One miss of the scissors might just bald their entire freaking head. But… they will insist on a particular stylist. Idiots indeed, no?

Last on the list, and I really hate them, because I think they should all die, are a certain type of idiotic smokers. Smoking is fine, it is your right. And being in Malaysia, I am used to the fact the smoking area in restaurants are nothing but fairy tales. But what irritates me most is when I see smokers smoking in an air-tight sports hall. These idiots are obviously stupid to feed their lungs with nicotine after a good work out but they should at least have the decency to walk out of the hall before killing themselves but no… they just have to puff away inside the hall and deprive other people like me who happened to be longing for oxygen. Bunch of idiots!

Have you encounter such idiots before? The world is full of them.

Types of accidents

When there is a mishap, it’s called an accident.

When such a mishap involves 2 or more cars on the road, it’s called a traffic accident.

When such a mishap involves your car ramming into someone’s car’s butt and you have to pay for it, it’s called an always-your-fault traffic accident.

When such a mishap involves someone’s car ramming into your car’s butt and he has to pay for it, it’s called an inconvenient traffic accident.

When such a mishap involves someone’s car ramming into your car’s butt and he runs away, it’s called a bad luck, but still a traffic accident.

When such a mishap involves you falling asleep on your wheel due to excessive over-time, it’s called an I-am-a-stupid-modern-slave traffic accident.

When such a mishap involves your car and someone’s car ramming into each other and both of you cannot explain why you ram into each other and so happen it takes place in this particular month, it’s called a hungry ghost festival traffic accident.

When such a mishap causes death, it’s a tragic accident.

When such a mishap causes a multiple death, it’s a very tragic accident.

When such a mishap causes multiple deaths with the driver having 2 arrest warrants and 13 unsettled summonses and plying on a permit-less route… ladies and gentlemen, that is called a Malaysian traffic accident.

And… … … by the time we enjoy our holiday on the 31st, the above shall be a forgotten accident.

Not to learn a learnt trait?

Those of you who are parents will surely agree with me when I say your children are your biggest worry, no? There is the worry about their well-being, their education, the future and one of your worry is probably about them picking up bad traits, as my Mom has plainly put it…

“pah lei hok waii” (afraid that you will learn bad things)

That is quite true…or is it?

A few Sundays ago, I was sitting at church next to this couple whose daughter was throwing tantrum. The little girl was very young, probably just learning to speak. I was shock, yet intrigued at what she was doing… she was throwing punches towards her daddy. Mind me, those were full blooded blows, if Jet Li was her age, he might get knocked out with one blow.

It does make one wonders whether she did learn her punches somewhere, or… the violent nature is within her all along… within us all along. What do you think?

Have you ever seen a baby throwing tantrums before? When a baby is irritated or want something, he or she will kick and punch and twist and turn. The baby will not back down until you give in to his or her demands, probably in the form of food or perhaps for you to carry him or her up. And parents will give in, most, if not all the time.

Now, this might sound absurd but imagine… just imagine that a baby has the strength of Arnold Schwarzenegger. When such a baby is irritated, the cot would have been smashed before you can attend to the baby. And if you are not fast enough, you might have to sustain a few bruises while trying to calm the baby down. And I wonder how the daddy who sat next to me that Sunday would be? I reckon he might have to be admitted into ICU.

I don’t know about you but I do find babies and toddlers a violent lot. Make no mistake, the reason why you find their “antics” cute is purely because they don’t have the strength to be destructive. Given the strength and probably weapon, babies and toddlers can be the most merciless destroyers, ever killers if an opportunity presents itself.

The question we should ask ourselves is… did they learn it somewhere? Pick up the traits while in their mothers womb perhaps? Certainly not, this natural tendency to kill and destroy in order to get what we want is in us by default, embedded within our genes. There is no need to learn, nature has already taught us all.

Now, should your worry about your children be about him or her not picking up the bad traits? Or should it be making sure that they do not unleash their “potential”. Besides not learning the bad things, there is much to unlearn.

P/S: Dear why-zewt-got-no-more-zewtpinion…. Nah… zewtpinion la!

And you thought you’ve heard the worst

Been talking a lot about names lately and while I have heard of some really outrages names, I am surprise to read from some comments that there are people who actually name themselves like Fruity and Tweety. I laughed when I read those.

Some of you may know that I spent a few months in China. No, I am not there for holidays but to work. It was one of the most high tech companies I have ever seen. Trust me, when I was doing the company tour, I thought I was in NASA or something, it was really cool. A story for another day perhaps.

One thing I must admire the local Chinese, is the ability to adopt names. My first experience came when I was introduced to one of the director of the department. When he stretched out his palms to extend a handshake, he said... “Wo shi RedStar” (I am RedStar).

I paused for a while, thinking I might have heard wrongly. I did not, his name was indeed RedStar… RedStar Liang. It was not until I got to know his Chinese name that I realised why he adopted such name. His native name was Liang Hong Xing, “Hong Xing” means ‘red star’.

Over the next couple of weeks, I realised the local Chinese will literally translate their names into English and will proceed to take on such names. Some of the more interesting names I have encountered when I was there includes…

Water Lee… I presume his name was ‘sui’
Hunter Xie… quite a cool name, don’t you think?
Ocean Wang… translate that into Cantonese… how does that sound?

One that tickles me is this girl by the name of Wu Xiang Wei. And her English name… Aroma… Aroma Wu… how about that?!

Another one which I find rather extravagant is this girl by the name of Ji Hui. Her name means opportunity and her English name? … “Chance”… Chance Ji… what a name!

Coming back to home… some of my fellow slaves in this particular company will know of a particular name which often comes out from the paging system. Yeah, there is a paging system in this company and the name which made all our jaws dropped when we first heard it….

“Cinderella Tan”

We never got to see her in real person. Maybe her or her parents were preparing for a good reason not to work overtime passed 12 a.m.

So have you heard of any Pocahontas lately?

An outdated zewtpinion

Someone mentioned to me last week that AZAIG is lacking in zewtpinions lately. Also, recent entries do not really justify my 5 times thinking blogger awards. Wow… looks like people actually have expectations on me! The life of a blogger gets even tougher nowadays, particularly in this country, know what I mean?

Well, not that I don’t have any zewtpinion to render, just that I don’t swamp the whole week with zewtpinions. But since zewtpinion is in demand… might as well…

Since Christianity is in the news lately, plus there’re a couple of gay pastors and some churches making heaps by praying for bigger boobs, I thought maybe I should talk about something which I once said that I dunwanna blog about. The topic has died a Malaysian death a.k.a. forgotten and I thought maybe I should give it a slight resurrection boost.

Initially, I was saddened by the judgement just like any Tom, Dick and Harry or Mary, Jean and Jane out there. But after reading an entry from Kata Tak Nak, I was compelled to look at the whole issue from a different approach. KTN said that the court cannot but rule that apostasy is illegal; the court has to uphold its religion.

What does this mean? A very good analogy would be to look at the movie “300”.

When Sparta was in the brink of an invasion, the King has to prepare his country for war. But before he can bring his legion of army to battle, he has to consult the witchdoctors known as “Ephors”. No matter how great a king is, the words of the Ephors must be strictly adhered to. It’s a tradition that the king swore to protect. Unfortunately, the Ephors gave him a negative answer. Despite the fact that the King knew his army is strong enough to take on the invaders, despite knowing a victory is possible, he can't help but to comply with the words of the Ephors. He cannot do anything but to uphold the tradition of the country, one which he swore to protect.

Similarly, the court has to uphold its religion. The judgement, to me, was correct.

Taking a look on the other side, I have known of a particular cell-leader in a particular mega church who was denied of her resignation from her post as a cell leader. The reason given: the church was afraid that it might open up the flood-gates and other cell leaders will follow suit. “afraid that it might open up the flood-gates”… does this sound familiar? How different is this from Lina Joy’s judgement?

We Christians always like to make fun of people who consider themselves Christian simply because they were born in a Christian family. To us, being born in a Christian family doesn’t make one a Christian. And of course, we always ask this breed of Christians an infamous question:

“Does being born in a garage make you a car?”

If that is the case…”Does having the word Islam in her MyKad make Lina a Muslim?”

I encourage you to read the words of Kata Tak Nak here.

A picture paints a thousand words?

(Please try not scroll down until you read the entry)

I was mentally prepared to pen down a zewtpinion until I realised it’s going to be Friday. Guess I will have to save it for next week. It’s going to be a little too heavy for our Friday brain. I hope I will still remember what I want to talk about when Monday arrives.

Speaking about my minds, mine decided to bring me back 2 years, to the time when I spent 10 days travelling between Cambodia and Vietnam. I will always remember that trip due to the amount of co-incidences in it. How many if you may ask… how many of you want to know? Well, trust me… there were quite a substantial amount of co-incidences. But I guess that’s a story for another day.

For today, I would like to show you one particular picture which my friend took during that trip. It was taken in one of the temples within Angkor Wat.

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So… does a picture paints a thousand words? My guess would be… you are not quite wordless. What do you think it is?

Happy weekend!

What’s with the name?

My parents never gave me an English name and when I hit the age of 10, I suddenly wanted one.

“Oh, don’t take that, it’s too common. Just like Steven or David (no offence), if you call out such names, 10 Stevens or 10 Davids will answer you”

That was my tuition teacher’s response when I told her I wanted to name myself Kelvin. I listened to her and decided otherwise. 2 years later, when I was 12, I had a dream, and in that dream; the teacher was marking attendance and she called out a name. No one answered. My friend sitting next to me gave me a nudge and said…

“Eh, cikgu panggil awak lah” (Eh, teacher is calling you)

I woke up from the dream almost immediately and that name became my English name since then. I will always tell this story to anyone who ask me how I got my name. Some chose not to believe, some found it strange, some started calling me “the man with a name from a dream”. No matter what, I am here to tell you… it’s true.

Yup, I do have a somewhat strange name. I never really use it until I went to the UK. But the as I entered the modern slavery kingdom, I gave my English name an official launch and everyone knows me by it since then. That’s me…

Now, I have noticed one very obvious trend with people lately. People here refer to parents with new born kids. Do you notice that more and more couples giving their newborn rather… glamorous name? Gone are the new Davids, Michaels, Johns (no offence again). None of my friends who are new parents name their child with “conventional” name. Currently, Ethan seems to be a hot name to give one’s newborn son. I personally know of 4 newly born Ethans. Other glamorous English name given includes Gabriel, Jayden, Aiden.

The baby girls are not losing out either. Gone are the Nancy(s), Wendy(s) and Mary(s). In fact, I have never known a single Mary in my life before. Some of my friends have named their baby girls Lauren, Isabelle and Megan. Quite glamorous indeed, don’t you think so?
One thing about baby girls though, the Chinese name “ann” seems to always appear in newborn nowadays. Gone are the leng, yeng, peng, ching… enters ‘ann’. There’s a multitude of li-ann(s), bee-ann(s), sze-ann(s), may-ann(s) and whatever ann(s). Are you one of those who are going to follow suit?

Our Malay comrades are not losing out either. While they cannot really take on an English name, they have creatively altered their spelling to make it more glamorous, mostly involved the letter ‘y’. Azyla instead of Azila… Dylaina instead of Dilaina… Adly instead of Adli. Again, no offence if you happen to bear such names.

Anyway, English name for Chinese has become almost a must nowadays, even if mandarin is spoken in such household. Oh no, I am not against it. But I am just curious what kind of glamorous names are going to surface in the new few years. Maybe in time to come, there will be no more David(s) and Michael(s) and when you call out the name Ethan, you will probably get 10 answers… it could happen.

So are you going to give your future child a glamorous name? One tip… if you really can't think of anymore glamorous name to make your child unique… perhaps you can sleep on it… who knows, your dream might just be fruitful.

P/S: Zewt apologises if the names above offended anyone.

The identity inquiry

My slave-mate colleague asked me a few days ago… “Do you introduce yourself zewt in front of other bloggers?”

This question brought me back to the time when I first attended the bloggers get-together party at Federal Hotel. I was asked to write my name on a piece of sticker and put it on me for identification purposes. I pondered for a moment… what should I put? Should I put… zewt… or my real name? I chose the latter.

As I entered the hall with my goodie-bag, I realised most of the people there put up their nick instead. But it’s ok, I reckoned most will not know zewt anyway. As I sat down on one of the table together with Jules, I introduced myself to 2 people already seated there and gave them my real name.

A few weeks ago, I attended the blogger booze at Plaza Damas. And again, there were some new faces and some introduction needs to be done. It did hit again whether I should introduce myself as zewt or disclose my real name. The decision made in that half a second was to disclose my real name.

It was all about disclosing my name until a few person came to me and said… “Hey, are you zewt?”

Well, obviously I said yes and thus begin the … “Hello, I am zewt” introduction line.

Honestly speaking, I am still grey on whether I should introduce myself as zewt or otherwise. What about you all? Those with an identity in the blogosphere, what do you introduce yourself as? Particularly those who has built up their blogosphere nick into designer brand status, do you go….

“Hi, I’m Tom. Pleased to meet you”

Or…

"Hi, I’m do-not-call-me-Tom-but-my-blogging-name. Pleased to meet you”

P/S: Those who would like to know what zewt means can read here.

Henry Suckers and the 4 schools of magic

In this magical kingdom, witchcraft and wizardry is the common practice. Without it, you are nothing. Knowing the magical art will get you to high places, achieve your dreams. Or so it was believed.

When Henry Suckers hit the ripe age of 21, he knew his time has finally come. While he has already decided on the course he wishes to take, the choice of institution has yet to be decided. There are many around, but 4 of them stood up due to their impeccable reputation.

Suckers’ first priority was to enter Peetwogs Witchcraft College, dubbed the best school of its kind. Graduates from this college hold high position in many castles in the kingdom. Make no mistake, it’s no easy feat to enter this college. While the quality of their intake has slowly been depreciating, Peetwogs Witchcraft College is said to only take the crème de la crème. Suckers will have to be at his best to get in.

Next is the Kenistry People Magic Garden. Situated in a prime location, this school offers a wide range of magical courses. It also boasts of its very own castle, one that bears its name. Though not as reputable as Peetwogs, Suckers will not hesitate to take up any offer from Kenistry.

Encharmed Yourself is another place where Suckers can learn their magical tricks. The reputation of this school was boosted due to its successful collaboration with Al-magic Assistance, which has since been totally absorbed by Encharmed Yourself. Suckers thought that this place is not that bad either, he will certain give it a thinker should an offer comes along.

Then there is the Dementours Killing College. As the courses offered here are pretty specialised, i.e. killing of dementours, it renders this college the least famous amongst the 4. As such, it is no surprise that Suckers will try to enter this college as a last resort. After all, Suckers will still get to learn the trade of magic. But the facilities here can be quite sub-standard. Rumour has it that students have share crystal ball during certain courses.

After a long process of sending out applications and attending entrance interviews, Suckers was rejected by Peetwogs while offers came from Kenistry and Encharmed Yourself. After much deliberation, Encharmed Yourself was chosen, due to its ample parking space for transporters. Encharmed is the only school amongst the top 4 that provides parking convenience, at a charge of course.

Upon entering Encharmed, Henry Suckers was quickly taught the very basic craft, the magic of duplicating transcripts. With this spell called “photo-copios”, a bright light will illuminates from a certain instrument and any paper based transcripts will magically duplicate itself. A very fascinating spell, but many students like Suckers get bored quickly with it. Nevertheless, this is an essential art for they will need to cast the “photo-copios” spell many times in time to come.

The next spell that Henry Suckers learnt from Encharmed was the magical art of balancing. It is a crucial trick in any dual presentation that the left side of the presentation reconciles to the right. Many students hate doing this and thus, they often refer to this presentation as a piece of shit. Due to this, the people in the witchcraft and wizardry kingdom often refer it as ‘balance shit’. When things do not balance, a spell called “balencio ette ol cost” is cast. A powerful element will emerge and force itself either to the right or the left side of the presentation, depending on needs. A powerful spell indeed, not many can master this spell.

Next is the art of disappearing. No, not physical disappearance, not yet, only lecturers can cast the self disappearing spell. Students will learn the basic disappearing trick first. When there are unwanted elements, often unable to be placed within the ‘balance shit’ or anywhere else in any presentation, there is a need to make these remnants disappear. This spell is called “immaterialisis”. Certain faculty in the school despise this spell. As remnants are very important to them, this faculty often complains to the lecturers of any abusive casting of “immaterialisis”. However, it is still widely cast; particularly when the “balencio ette ol cost” spell could not be conjured up.

One spell that Suckers have to master is the evil art of making others feel stupid. Others here refer people who are not exposed to the art of witchcraft and wizardry. Henry Suckers find this evil as it plays with the mind of others. But, it is the most important magic that one can learn from any magical school. This spell called “Ayem meh consultanus” can play with the mind of people and if cast with a level of authority, one can really feel that he is more intelligent compared to the rest.

As time goes by, Henry Suckers felt that everything points to the “Ayem meh consultanus” spell. In fact, it is the sole spell that all students wish to master upon entering these magical schools. But Suckers felt disillusioned after spending a few years in Encharmed, because casting the “Ayem meh consultanus” spell will only give a short term solution. Making others feel stupid doesn’t mean they are really stupid. Sometimes, it is the lecturers and the students of these schools who are totally oblivious about what they are doing.
Anyway, being in the witchcraft and wizardry practice is crucial in the demanding magical kingdom. After spending so much time studying, Suckers can't wait to graduate and leave. Will he succeed though? We will see…

P/S: The above is a fiction and any resemblance to real life existence is purely a co-incidence.
P/S/S: I have revealed the answer of last Friday’s question at the bottom of that post.

From the spoon to the cat

Last week, I mentioned about a particular spoon which happened to have travelled to a frontier where no spoon has gone before, and asked if we will ever allow such spoon to serve its duty again. Very interesting comments surfaced, but the general consensus was a bit “No”. A feeling of disgust is the natural reaction.

Notwithstanding the fact that a few readers actually use spoon to eat durian, have you ever thought about the things you have touched and with the same hands, you’ve fed yourself countless chicken wings, or durians if you eat them with your hands. Seriously, isn’t it the same? It’s all in the head, isn’t it? And sometimes, it’s just hypocrisy, because we knowingly choose to ignore the relevant.

Kat raised a very interesting point… would you spit your saliva into a spoon and drink the saliva again? Hmmm…. Sounds disgusting really… but would you?

Oh… to the one who said “what we put in our mouths is pretty sacred”… hmmm… I wonder if any blowing activity has been performed before. Or perhaps… it is indeed sacred thing that’s being blown… LOL!! Sorry… Friday mood kicking in…

Since Friday is here, I have a story to share…

There was a cat crossing a bridge one day. While crossing, it took a glimpse down the stream and saw a sausage. Naturally, the cat jumped down and dragged the sausage to dry land. It got itself wet but it was worth it as it had a good meal.

On the second day, as the cat was crossing the same bridge, it saw a sausage in the stream again but this time, the sausage is bigger than the one yesterday! Without a thought, the cat jumped in and since the sausage was a little bigger, it took a while for the cat to drag it off the stream. As it spent quite an amount of time in the water, it got itself really wet but again, it was worth it, the sausage was just delicious.

On the third day, the same cat crossing the same river saw a really huge sausage down in the stream and the cat just could not resist!!! It jumped down and tried to drag it into dry land. It struggled as this big sausage was really huge and heavy. But this big of meat was motivating enough to make the cat endure the cold water. After a considerable amount of time, it succeeded. The cat was totally drenched! But it was definitely worth it, this huge sausage was definitely worth it.

What do you think is the morale of the story?

Have a blissful weekend!

Updated 1: After 2 comments, I think I need to give a clue… think Friday.

Update 2: The morale to the story is... the bigger the sausage... the wetter the pussy. But it can variates though. One good morale is big sausage + wet pussy = a very good time.