Thursday, 20 September 2007

Today, I remember

It’s Friday tomorrow and I am supposed to feel jolly but I don’t feel quite that way. Tomorrow is the 21st of the month and every 21st of the month brings about a new milestone. Time passes by so fast that it has already been 6 months since my life took a huge turn.
I just finished reading all the entries I wrote about my Mom. Some may ask why should I re-visit the painful past. But then again, the sole reason I wrote those entries down are for me to read it again and again, because I don’t want to forget. It is very easy for us to be caught up with the pace of our daily lives and forget about the things we promise ourselves. I refuse to let that happen to me.

As I look at my life over the last 6 months, I can see more and more little things in my life where Mom played such an important role, all without me knowing it. For example… after a drink of Milo for supper, if I leave the cup unwashed, it will surely be clean when I return from work the day after. Now, the cup can be there for weeks and it will still remain unwashed.

I have this habit of chucking my ties aside when I return from work and when Mom was around, it will be nicely placed back to my drawer after a few days. Now, the ties are all stacked up like a mountain and no one seems to care. And when I want to wear a particular tie, I have to find it from the tie mountain.

On a more macro side, can food now forms a major part of my diet. I used to cook but as the demand of being a modern slave intensify, it is no longer possible. My aunt acts as the chef most of the times and as she is already quite old, can food make things easier. I actually asked her not to cook; we can settle our dinner ourselves. She answered…

“Your mom looked after me for so long, I want to cook for you all”

Even after her death, Mom left a legacy that actually benefits us. Isn’t it incredible?

Another that took place in the last 6 months is when I drive around or visit places, I thought of all the places I told Mom I will bring her. One of them is a vegetarian restaurant near KLCC, one that I drive pass every week. Each time I drive pass it, the words “I will bring you there one day” rings in my head. Of course, it never happen.

Ya’ know, if you screw up in a relationship, you will always say that you will not repeat your mistakes in your next relationship. Perhaps you want to treat your next partner better. But with mothers, we all don’t have such luxury. If you screw up, there is no second chance. So, don’t screw it up.

Today, I pause and remember the brave woman who decides to
hide her pain all to herself and silently prepare her departure without us knowing it, enduring all the suffering herself. Today I remember a woman who has lived a life not being able to talk to her children thinking she is not good enough. Today I remember a woman who wants to be remembered.

Today, I remember my Mother.

72 comments:

5xmom.com said...

And I remember my son.
(sorry, I was crying myself silly when you sent me the link, had to go offline cos my vision is blurred)

It has been 6 years, and it is still the same sometimes.

Anyway, God bless them.

perkinsonline said...

Life and Death are really nothing when u know the secrets of life and death. This life we live is not real and the death we die is not death but an awakening to the real life we had.

One day when u awake from this test on earth you will see her again. It's not the end remember; this but a test for you in your life.

Don't be sad wait for the time you will see her again. Once u realize the secret of this life you will be on your way to see her.

Little Ray said...

She is definitely proud of you no matter what =) You make me miss my mum. I'll definitely say hello to her the next time she comes online =D

pikey said...

May God bless her soul... and she muz be proud to see you doing all these things to appreciate her...

Acrelaine said...

i dont know why i liked all ur emo posts... especially this one.. damn.. my one cannot be compared to urs.. hehehe.. wtf.. but newayz, i'm sure she's happy u made that entry.. i'm happy for u being such a great son..

maegen said...

thus i'll do whatever i can for my lovley mum and bring her along wherever she think to go and buy her whatever she like that which i never or ever will treats my partner this way cause there is only mum i got and i realised it 4yrs+ ago when i thought i'm GONE earlier before her cause some incident.that's why i appreciated my life more than others do .. :)

anyway.. your mum must be proud of you at least you live a better & appreciated life than before :)

angel said...

Canned food all the time, not very healthy... what about food catering? Just a suggestion...

Today, I'll remember Ah Tuck's mother...

Jason said...

Thanks for this entry. It's a personal reminder to me to appreciate my mom more for all the little things she does that i often take for granted. Dont be too sad, this life is just a transition period. One day you will meet her again in a place which is eternal. =)

Lee Su-Lyn said...

this entry was really very well-written zewt..As i felt myself being in your position and somehow it reminds me not to take the people around me for granted. I won't. I'll be heading home the first thing in the morning tomorrow. thanks zewt. =)

may said...

today, I'll remember you remembering your mother... and I'll think of mine.

try eating salads instead -- healthier than canned food, and no cooking required!

Rashikaps said...

Hey Zewt, Reading this I'm missing my parents too. More power to you, friend. Family is all important.. sometimes gets ignored because this need to earn money puts us in the rut.

Do read 'Many Lives Many Masters' by Dr. Brian Weiss if you can. All the special people in our lives have been and will be born as special to us for the next few lives that we live until we attain freedom from the cycle of life and death.

flaminglambo said...

Great post man.

Anonymous said...

...

This is a good post. Reminds us that we don't come into the world on our own. I think I will get something for my mom.

Thanks Zewt!

anigma said...

This post had my heart strings tugged. Sometimes, no matter how irritating a mother can be, I think she did it out of pure love. My relationship with mom is a volatile one. I pray for more patience to deal with her. Don't get me wrong. She is a nice lady, just that sometimes she sees things way too simply and that sort of drives me to the edges.

Winn said...

u remind me of my family too.
i'm going home this wkend:)

Huei said...

it takes great courage to blog about ur mum..unfortunately..i can't find that courage to blog bout my dad..the pain..and ofcourse many issues that might be raised by certain people that looks down on us..ah well

today you remember ur mother, and made us treasure our loved ones more =)

H.C. Tan said...

hugs zewt!thanks for the reminder..

Zawi said...

Zewt,
Though I am 57 yrs old now, I can feel how you felt. I am as guilty. I guess our children will just treat us the same way as we did to our parents and it will only be fair dinkum.
Those who still have living parents please take note of this article. I am happy to note that those who read this article has responded positively.
Well done Zewt. Your are really a thinking blogger.

missironic said...

Your entry reminded me back of when I was thinking of how I will react when my mum were to disappear from my life. I'll definitely go hysterical! All along I know that my mum is truly important to me. I always said tat she's my best fren! Even my fren said we r both like the gilmore gals. Lolz....Although I noe someday she will leave me but I don't want to tink tat far yet. Juz appreciating the time tat I have with my mother bside me all the time. Although rite now wif me being in kl and she bck in hometown really make me miss her frm time to time...but when im back to my hometown..i alwiz give her a hug or 2! lolz..

j or ji said...

Perhaps you want to treat your next partner better. But with mothers, we all don’t have such luxury. If you screw up, there is no second chance. So, don’t screw it up.

Agreed.Totally.I dun mind balik kampung every weekend.Partner can be replace...love can change...duit boleh cari...but not mother or daughter.]

"Joe" who is constantly craving said...

wat can i say?..another valuable lesson learnt today..will keep this close to my heart

Manal said...

I shall remember every 21st day of each month to come as zewt's special remembrance day....and i'll make a moment of silence for u.

Lil' Ms Pinky said...

Such a touching post. Made me cry again. You're a good son, and your mom will be smiling from up above.

neno said...

each time i read post bout ur mum it reminds me of my granny..everytime i cook for the day it hurts..knowing the fact tat she nv got to taste my cooking..nv got the chance to comment bout it..and i nv got the chance to see her..to b by her side when she died..

Angie Tan said...

Thanks for a beautiful entry.

I just hope that my sis will realize this about her family sooner or later. She has that habit of leaving things around but it will all be cleaned up by my mom most of the time.

I didn't have to go through the painful experience of losing any of my parents just yet. But after staying away from home for an extended period of time makes you realize how lucky one is.

Surprisinngly, it took the death of my little dog Oofy some 4 years back (come October), which makes us realize how precious life can be.

We all think that we have a lot of time to fix the mess we make in our relationships but sometimes, we don't. As much as we try to say to ourselves, "We won't do it again next time", we just end up doing it again.

Anyway, best not to dwell in the past but be glad that your mom is in a better place now.

me said...

sigh! *hugs*

Zawi said...

zewt,
Further to my earlier thought above I think our mothers neve ever thought about repaying them for what they did for us. They will be just too happy id we were to do the same to our children. That will be reward enough for them. To be able to repay them within their life time would be great!

rinnah said...

I am reminded once again of how much I take my mother for granted. :(

If ever I have the chance to meet your mum one day up there, I will surely tell her about her wonderful son who loves her and misses her so much.

On a lighter note, it's also been six months since I first started reading your blog. And I still come back everyday for more - sad, touching, funny, horny, angry, politically zewty articles. *hugs*

changeiam said...

this post brings back so many memories and though I don't know you zewt but I feel your pain. Both my parents are still alive though my dad had a close call few years back due to cancer and is now under medications and this year also around March my grandmother passed away because of stroke.

Being the eldest grandson also means I was involved in all the prayers and ceremonies and cremation. Loosing a love one is never easy but remembering a love one is sometimes even harder as we sometimes over time tend to forget.

I am happy how you have moved on with life and try to be a much better person now and I'm sure your mum is very proud of the man you have become.

It's sometimes funny how we sometimes take the most important people in our lives for granted thinking they will always be there and there will always be a tomorrow.

PurpLe~MuShRooM said...

*Sob*Sob*

You made me think of my Mum. I miss my family. :(

ehon said...

I have your post about your mum's death in my Favourites. Same as Lilian's son's death. It's not because I enjoy reading them. It's because, it's a great reminder to me that life is fragile.

It's a reminder for me to stop when everything is in a rush.

It's a reminder for me to say thank you, i'm sorry, and i love you.

Hmm.. I duno how to thank you enough for giving me a good slap with your entries about your mum. And today, I remember your mum too. Because not only did she taught you well, she taught me (and I believe a lot others) too.

Zewt's mummy remembered. :)

Hor ny Ang Moh said...

What to do this is one 'event' which all of us must go through, sooner or later! For those whose parent is still with us, treasure them...be a good & faithful children! For those whose parent is no longer around it is good to remenber what they have done! But life must go on!Remember next time we will be our children's parent!Try to be a good parent to our children. BTW Zewt if u r feel sad & low why not poke ove to my site & have a few laugh & cheer up! Have a nice day & TGIF!!!

Anonymous said...

losing some one close & dear esp. a parent is painful.

but to appreciate & spend time with those still with us, that what make life more meaningful.

Helen said...

Reading your entry, I'll definitely take a serious look into my priorities in life. :-)

Have a great weekend.

Sunflower said...

I'm reminded of the issues in my heart that I've yet to settle regarding my mom... sigh. It's hard and yet I feel the urgency after reading your post. I don't want to end up regretting too.

Doreen said...

I'm sorry about your mum, and your previous posts about her touch my heart real deep. Sometimes, we have a 2nd chance even 3rd or 4th chance, but for some, there is only once. We should all treasure what we have...

Zewt, I'm sure your mum was proud of you and she will live with you, in your heart forever.

m|ssK said...

you are so right...there is always a second chance with partners, but never one with our mums when they are gone. in fact, this applies not only to our parents, but, to our siblings as well...

Calvin's Wife said...

*hugs*

And she will be remembered for the rest of your life... and to those whom she has cared of.... they'll never forget her as a good soul and a wonderful woman.

alan zed said...

may god bless her soul and rest in peace. (a minute of silence)

F.O.N @ frostee said...

it's good that we remember our loved one for who they are. Everyday is a blessing and a lesson for us all.

Thanks dude for reminding me.

lingzie said...

thanks for this entry today, made me teary. it serves as a reminder that we should never take the ppl in our lives for granted. i know i am taking for granted certain ppl in my life and today i'm reminded that i have been neglecting them.
thank you zewt. and i'm sure your mum was, has been and always will be very proud of you.

Tine said...

I've been having fights after fights, screaming matches, etc with my mum for weeks now over my wedding. I came to the point where I was absolutely sick and fed up, that I just wanted to do away with the wedding and get the hell out of the house for good because I just couldn't stand her anymore.

Until I read this.

Then suddenly, the biggest feeling of shame washed over me, and now, all I can think of is give my mum a big hug when I see her, when I still can, and tell her I'm so sorry for giving her so much grief, and for being such a selfish daughter.

Thank you.

MissSHopaHolic said...

I know how it feels...
There's a not moment goes by without me thinking of my dad...


It's been 4 yrs since he left..
Feels like yesterday...

Life suckzzzzzzzz.....

Jun said...

it takes a lot of courage to write this down, as i suppose the pain and the memories are still as fresh even tho it has been 6 mths already... i see courage and optimism in this post, and i know that no matter what, ur mom will always be remembered, even more so by the thousands of readers who are now reading this. thank u for sharing this with us-- i know aunty is smiling down on her fav son now :)

Maverick SM said...

I agree! Thanks for reminding me. Mum is always the God of our life.

Jonny said...

Every time I think about slacking off and not visit my mom back in hometown. I'll think about what zewt wrote, and tell myself to appreciate what I have currently.

Tunku Halim said...

Writing helps us truly remember. It helps heal the pain. It teaches forgiveness too, my friend. Stay cool!

AngryYoungChild said...

Harlooo....all i can do is smile when i read this. haha..take care! be back in 3 to 4 days time to feast on blogs!

zewt said...

5xmom - i think i will too feel the same after 6 years.

perkinsonline - hi there and welcome. i sincerely do hope i will see her again. relying on my faith. thanks for dropping by.

little ray - online? call her la.

pikey - i am sure she does.

acrelaine - i dont think i can compare with your angry emo post... or your food emo post though.

maegen - you were almost gone? do share the story.

zewt said...

angel - dont seem to work though. father's choice.

Jason - you're welcome, hope you will appreciate your mom more today.

Lee Su-Lyn - hi there and welcome! you're welcome, hope you reach your home safely and have a good time together with your loved ones. thanks for dropping by hope to see ya around.

may - hey, that's not a bad idea. time to stock up on some vege.

rashikaps - i will try to look for book online. :) thanks.

flaminglambo - thanks.

zewt said...

anon @ 7.41am - you're welcome. get something she can cherish.

anigma - i do understand it can be very hard sometimes. but we have to come to our senses. while i do believe that there are bad mothers out there, most are good.

winn - safe trip home ya.

HC Tan - you're very welcome.

Zawi - never thought you're that matured already. it's an honour to have someone of your age reading my blog. i sincerely hope your children will learn to appreciate you and your loving wife better. it's a learning experience for you and the children. yeah, you dont do it with a view of being repaid, but your children needs to realise that.

missironic - yeah, ppl do leave us one day... we just have to make do with the days that we have right now. i have learnt it.... everything can end in a flash.

j or ji - where is your kampung? not very far right? puasa month, balik i good i think.

zewt said...

constant craver joe - keep it tight too.

Manal - thanks for that :)

Lil Ms Pinky - hey there! welcome. cry again? i made you cried before? hope it's not a bad thing.

neno - well, you still have your mom around... cook for her would be a wise thing to do now.

Angie Tan - wow... the dog's death changed things huh. quite a story. yeah, we all take things for granted all the time... it's something we need to be aware of.

me - thanks.

rinnah - thanks for being so thoughtful, but i sure hope you hang around here more before you go up there.

zewt said...

changeiam - yeah, many said i did quite well, but deep inside, i can still feel it. beneath the laughter, there are times when a simple thought can just bring me to absolute silence. i guess it's a good experience, means i will never forget her.

purple mushroom - come back more frequent lor.

ehon - i am honoured to be a reminder to many of you. i would like to give all credit to my mom. without her, i wont be able to write those.

hor ny - hahaha... i do poke over... trust me on that.

anon @ 1.16pm - we must learn how to do that.

Helen - hope we all manage to keep that.

sunflower - i know it's difficult, but if only we come to our senses... it's easier.

zewt said...

Doreen - thanks... it's good we know that we dont have second chance with everything.

m|ssK - hi there, welcome! that's a new level... i think i must learn that too!

calvin's wife - and she defintely will :)

alan zed - thanks brother.

FON @ frostee - you're welcome dude.

lingzie - we all need to be reminded all the time. :)

Tine - and i am sure she will be so happy, she might just let you have the wedding your way ;)

zewt said...

MissSHopaholic - hey... dont think of it that way. remembering him is good. 4 years on, i will probably feel the same.

Jun - 6 months passed so fast, it's scary. and it's always a pleasure to share.

Maverick SM - you're welcome friend.

Jonny - and i am glad you remember how important they are...

Tunku Halim - thanks my friend, just trying to let my thoughts flow.

AngryYoungChild - all the best. hope the trials have not killed you yet.

MeLiSsA said...

It's true what they say, we never know what we got until we loose it.

But I know for sure your mum has always been proud of you and will continue to be...she must be smiling up in heaven now seeing you and all the changes you've made after she left this world.

Keep up the good work and in 4 months you will have new responsibilities...

maegen said...

shhhh... its ain't good to share with as it was scary for me .. but do drop me a mail i'll tell u then = ) cHeers~!! *hugs* take k

conan_cat said...

ahh, the pain :( *hugs*

the last few lines struck me...

you can only have one mom. you screw it, you're done.

time for me to buckle up... i dun wanna regret when my mom somehow left me...

thank you for reminding me :)

mistipurple said...

whenever i see your name, i think of your mom. her legacy is here forever, zewt.

water_angel said...

take care...

*hugs*

cibol said...

you're a good son zewt .. mom must be proud of you

zewt said...

Melissa - 4 months and counting. would love her to be around...

maegen - ok, will drop by your blog.

conan_cat - my pleasure...

mistipurple - :)... thanks. that was very encouraging.

water angel - thanks

cibol - sometimes, i think it's too late. better than never though.

ms.bulat said...

T_T i am sorry i do not have anything to say to console you . but just to let you know, because of you and your posts on your mom i have learned to cherish my family members a lot more. thank you.

ethel said...

You made me appreciate my mom even more! Thank you, zewt. I must give you a hug.

(((((((((((Hug))))))))))

Your mom must be very proud of you. :)

neno said...

wakakaka..i did cook for her..but she prefer food cooked her own style..so now basically i jus help her ard..

Princess Eileen said...

Yeah, mother are the best and we should never take them for granted. I love my mummy and cant imagine life without her. If that means sacrificing my own happiness, yeah probably I would do that.

ClaudiaMom said...

A good post, thanks for reminding me to tresure my family members and to those I love. I'm sure you mum was proud of you

Seok Thong said...

I just can't imagine what will happen to me if my parents are leaving me. I just know the feelings of losing someone that you love really hurts. And the sad feelings will always remain in heart..

zewt said...

ms.bulat - hey there, welcome your first comment. i am glad you cherish your family more... it's a really good thing. one which you will never regret.

ethel - thanks for the big hug... i am sure she does. treat your mom better ya.

neno - help... good enough ler.

princess eileen - well, i dont think she will want u to sacrifice your happiness la. mothers are selfless ppl la.

claudiaMom - and i hope claudia will cherish you a lot in the future.

seok thong - yeah, i think it will remain with me for the next year, decade... forever basically.

Mcmercedez said...

Eventhough she's not around with you physically, but deep down in you, she's always be with you.. forever..

God Bless...

whoalse said...

Hey Zewt, I've been thru similar experience. She's a person I considered part of my family. It has taught me to cherish and appreciate those around us now and don't allow procrastination creeps in.

Perhaps, it's good to learn from the past and live the present (forget the distant future)!

BTW, we might have a mutual friend who's in down under!

zewt said...

mcmercedez - thanks. it's good to hear that.

whoalse - and who is that friend be?