Tuesday, 29 July 2008

Who thou seeketh in thy sadness?

Jules often gets upset with me when I am too happy enjoying something good. She said I tend to forget about her when I enjoy good things. That is of course, not true as I share most of my happy moments and thoughts. Perhaps when I indulge in things, she just happens to slip off my mind… just for a while, nothing longer than that.

I am sure many of us have experiences where a friend of ours will only seek our companionship when they are down and out. When their happiness graph is on its way up, they tend to forget about us. I just spoke to someone like that not too long ago and this person is quite pissed at the situation.

It’s not a very nice feeling isn’t it? Friends who only talk to us when they are sad and when they are in a jolly mood, they just ditch us. I am sure you must be harbouring a tad bit of being betrayed kind of feeling. Am I right?

I have read somewhere though that when someone in down, the very first person that comes to that victim’s mind is often an important person. That is to say, if your friend comes seeking comfort and emotional support from you when he or she is down, it actually means you’re important to him or her.

I find that to be very true. When I am down and out, when I am worried about things, the very first person I want to talk to is Jules. That is after I have prayed to God. Think about it, when you are drowned in sorrow, the very first person you want to speak to… is it someone you want to betray and abuse? Or is it someone whom you long for? I think it’s more of the latter?

Why then so many of us feel used and betrayed because your friend tend to forget about you when they on the high? Well… perhaps you weren’t the first person who popped up in the victim’s mind… perhaps you were just… a substitute? And you’re substituting again… and again… and again…

36 comments:

CiNDi said...

I think the person who I still seek the most is still myself. Seeking others for help is merely an option so that they might (or might not) thought of a solution that you yourself have already thought of, you know, like proving to yourself that you are right in seeking these kind of answers.

I guess if I really seek help from others it is usually to double-confirmed what I have already thought of in mind.

Yeah, I'm self-centred like that. Or maybe I only believe in myself.

And another thing about being a substitute? I have never had a "best friend" in my whole life because of that reason. Everyone is fair ;)

Great blog, and thanks for commenting once upon a time ago.

mh said...

That said, I think that it is more important that I am there for a friend when he/ she needs me than when things are going well.

suituapui said...

God. And gee, u need breathing space! Married or not, everyone needs time on their own, do things they like...unless both of them share exactly the same interests, which is not likely. But not to the extent of neglecting one another though for extended periods of time though; that's why there are terms like "golf widows"...and these days, "blog widows"!

Just Jasmine said...

For me, when I'm in weary and down mode, normally I'll keep it to myself or blog to express it - quite similar to Cindi, I guess. :)

Reason is I'm still not used to speaking out my problems to those around me.

But for sure during that time, the person that MEANS THE MOST to me will cross my mind - And I will long so much for his heart that cares.

Sometimes words are not needed at all - just to know that someone loves you & is there for you - is more than enough :D

And hey ZEWT, a very pretty blog you have here - keep blogging man!
:D

Regards,
Jasmine

J.T. said...

Cindi made a good point. When I am in need to talk to someone, I usually do that only to confirm what I have already decided. The confusion comes in (just for a while) when the advice given is the opposite of what I have decided. Then after a little bit of praying (again), I go with what I feel is right. It may not the be the easiest decision but it is mine.

So coming back to your post, it is natural at times to feel betrayed because we wonder why are we sought after only in bad times by certain individuals. But we can look on the positive side and realise that maybe we have a gift to make that person feel better.

KittyCat said...

I have a friend just like you've described! Well, we're not friends anymore - I guess she's on a happy high finally :)

On the contrary, I think Jules is right because I tend to be like that sometimes i.e. giddily happy about a place, a book or a person that I tend to forget about Hubby.

In the end, as in the case of dining at a restaurant, is it the food or the company that's more important? Food for thought!

me said...

u can laugh with anyone, share a giggle with any tom, dick and harry and party the night away with a stranger. but can you confide in anyone? can you tell your deepest secret, yr underlying troubles, yr innermost thoughts with anybody? i wouldn't mind if they had fun without me, cos ultimately i know a deeper side of them which no one else does. the real them. laughs and merrymaking is just to pass the time of day..at the end of which, you find that you don't know the person a single iota. so why would u want to envy such a shallow relationship? strange perception and priorities.

Huei said...

mm..well i don't mind, all that much. if someone comes to me when he/she is sad..and i have to comfort him/her, it'll be good for me to..at least i can learn something from it

but it does get a tad bit annoying when they come up to u with small little problems while u're in the middle of solving ur own big problems!

get a pet!! they're very good listeners! =P

missironic said...

so true..so very true..i always get that..when down, i'll be the sole for comfort..when happy..i'll b nowhere near...maybe bcoz im only gud for consoling..but when comes to happiness and having fun, im not tat kind of person to share wif? probably la...or not why no one comes to me one????

quite frust and pissed actually when comes to tink abt it..i mean i may be the important person when they're down but then why cant i be the important person as well when they're happy? im supposed to be the all-rounder fren right?

tats wat i tink la..probably i am just a substitute..damn! if tats the truth..then it hurts..hmm...

cc said...

I had a friend that only came when I'm down and out, but not when I'm happy. It's like she somehow feed off of my sadness. Not a good feeling at all.

beetrice said...

You have no idea how timely your entry is...for me, it's a matter of people only seeking me out when they're in trouble to bail them out, and I don't hear from them otherwise.

It's just draining...and one day, the 'well' is going to run dry.

Jason Geek said...

Aren't we born to this world, as self-fish sinners? LOL

When we are angry, or high, we tend to "macam apa pun dun care".

Sometime, i believe that, emotion is just a feeling. It is something can be just thrown away to the dustbin whenever we want. BUT, we are not ready for that, we like to indulge in sadness, i mean, we feel very weird, we don't feel sad when your closest person leave you.

That why, god is here. I toss all my burdens to him. It is as simple a ABC, but applying it is as hard as hell.

tat's my geek-inion

Aoki said...

As i was reading your post, i was pretty confident i dont run to someone only when i am down :( Haha..After 5 mins of thinking carefully and very hard, i realize sh*t, I always take my pastor for granted. Whenever i have problems only i run to her for advice. But then again, she's always busy! Can't blame me right? WAhahhahaa!!!Tsk tsk tsk, i so need to ask her out now :P Thanks zewt for such a "reminder".

Anyway, other than my pastor..i think i have never taken anyone for granted :)

Jun said...

i actually dun mind it when someone shares their sorrows with me but not their happiness. i believe that every one is entitled to wat they wanna say, when they wanna say it, and to whom they wanna talk to. if they tell it to me, fine, if they dun, i dun mind either. why get bogged up abt petty things in life? :)

HuntressMoon said...

When it comes to such situation, one of my friends who i hold dearly to my heart treats me like that. When she is sad, she only comes to me to seek a shoulder to cry on.

But when she is happy, she forgets about me unless she wants something. The outings she goes inviting her friends whom i do know and not me. When she got no one to invite, she invites me.

I really don't like people who does such things. When you cry to your friend, your friend do carry your burden. when you are happy, you never take their burden away. Being a friend does not mean i have to be your sad emotions dumping site. Everything has two ways about it. if you want me to hear your sad day then forget me not when you are happy. Or else, i wont even bother listening

the witch's broo said...

oddly enough, those who sought me when they're down in the dumps are people who had always had an affinity with me.

i don't begrudge them for seeking me out only when they need me, emotionally. that's human nature, methinks.

when they're happy, i'm happy and that's ok if they don't call me for yonks! the ties are there.

it's those who call you when they need money are the ones you have to watch out for.....they're usually always screwing up and, therefore get themselves in untenable situations and usually it's money problem.

that said, i'd do what i could, and only in genuine desperate cases.

as for me.....i'm such a private person that i keep everything to myself!

cheers, zewt!

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the Constantly Dramatic One said...

I seek my sister when I am sad or feel subjugated and then when I'm happy I would still seek her out as well. Example:

Sadness~

"Akak, adik rasa adik fail my maths paper. Takut lah. Mesti mak ayah marah."

--> This would be followed by her scolding me for not studying or soothing me. But most of time its yelling first than soothing me.

Happiness~

"Hahaha!! I'm at Black Eyed Peas concert and you're not here. I am soooo happy!"

--> Reaction to this would of course be her yelling at me and then asking how cool the concert is. That woman likes to yell at me a lot. But it's okay. That's how we roll.

But still see, I do seek the most important person to me in sadness and happiness...even if it's all for the wrong reasons. =p

Aphrodite said...

omg!!!i got told this prettymuch exact same thing a while back...nd i so so agree with u...

PurpLe~MuShRooM said...

No such thing for me. The same person comes into my mind when I'm happy or sad. Even when I am eating my fav food without him, I thought of him and wished he was able to enjoy the food with me.

zewt said...

CiNDi - everyone is self centred to a certain extent so... :)... and i hope one day you will truly find a best friend.

mh - ahhh... u understand the principle.

suituapui - i wont make my wife blog widows lah...

just jasmine - hey there welcome to AZAIG. i think when you find that special someone, you will be able to :) will certainly keep blogging.

JT - well, i must say not everyone has a pair of listening ears.

KittyCat - so u want your friend to be away? i prefer to have both food and friends haha.

zewt said...

me - what you have written is just so u.

huei - hahaha... pets are good listeners, but they cant give you that human touch that u need.

missironic - if you are... then dont be sub anymore lor.

cc - if she is feeding on your sadness, isnt it good?

beetrice - well, one has to protect oneself so... do what u think is right.

Jason Geek - errr... i dont think we can just throw away emotion... if we can do that, we may just lose our human factor.

aoki - well, try not to drain your pastor out lah... everyone is feeding on them already. so your pastor is pastor margaret or nancy? hahaha...

zewt said...

Jun - it can be a privilege... but not when it drains u out.

huntressmoon - well, i have to say this friend of yours is certainly not putting you first. but then again, i wonder why she always come to you when she is down.

the witch's broo - hey!! long time no see. money is always a sensitive issue huh... haha... very true indeed.

josephgopi - hey, welcome to AZAIG. i will have a look.

the constantly dramatic one - hahahaha... then good lah... your sis is always the victim :P

aphrodite - hahaha... this is what co-incidence... but then again, there's no such thing as co-incidence. am i making sense?

purple mushroom - how lucky your hubby is. errr... it's your hubby right?

myop101 said...

dear zewt,

for me, the first sign of trouble is always about turning to God. then i will think about who i can talk this to. not really with my wife though... it depends on the issues at hand.

anyway, whenever i am happy, the first person i want to share with is my wife (I am guilty of thanking God later when I calm down and realise I have forgotten Him). It is weird right?

HuntressMoon said...

maybe because i am such a water fish

Aphrodite said...

yep u totally are making sense...coz if im not mistaken a tad too many people feel this way....

missironic said...

ya...wont..have to voice out! noe where i stand! hehehehe...

zewt said...

myop101 - that's good... the best thing we can ever do... seek ye first the kingdom of God!

huntressmoon - we all are...

Aphrodite - well... human nature to exploit.

missironic - hahaha... good!

seokthong said...

I don't mind if my friends came to me only when they are sad or something. When they tell me something, then it's good too because i can busy-body a bit. Hehe!

For me, i don't normally tell my friends about my sad things or something because i still couldn't find anyone of them trustworthy enough. The only people i could trust would be my parents and my hubby.

Caffenny Tan said...

Who do you go to when the one who makes you cried/sad is exactly the one you seek comfort from?

zewt said...

seokthong - that's why he is your husband :)

caffenny tan - when that happens, you should not put the person as the one whom you should seek anymore.

sharlydia said...

yeah...that's what friends are for isit it? Infact for me, when i have something jolly to shout about or when i'm down, i just want to speak to my hubby, but he's not a good listener, so sometimes that will turn me away...either i turn to a friend or i'll just blog about it...

Yvonne Foong said...

I used to be like that, feel hurt at the fact that I'm sought after only when the person was down. Then I got a life and didn't pine for her attention. :P

zewt said...

sharlydia - aiyooo... should make your husband listen. it's his job. that's where the bonding begins.

yvonne foong - hahahaha... well, good to hear that. but then again, know that it is also a privilege, if you're not taken for granted.

melisa said...

This is an old post, but I find it interesting.

I'm also not comfortable with the idea that friends remember us only when they're down. But I don't think that such friends confide in me just because I'm "important" to them. I don't really think so. What I think is, they feel like I'm the only one who's always ready to listen and help, just like when they're financially down, they remember me quite often, which is really strange. I've realized it's not good to pamper friends like that, so I keep only the genuine few.

For me, spending time with your loved ones--like family and friends--expresses how much you care about them, and I mean quality time. It's like our relationship with God. We don't remember Him only when we're down.

zewt said...

melisa - Unfortunately though, many tend to only remember God when we are down or in deep shite, i am always a guilty party in this case :P yeah, i truly agree that we should not pamper friends who only want to drain energy from us... but i think a lot of female cliques are like that.