Chef of the day

One of the first thing I told mom when I returned from UK after completing my studies was that I learnt how to make roast pork (siew yok). Naturally, mom asked me to cook for her. I said I will, when I’ve bought the family an oven, I will make one for her to try. Years have passed… it never happen. And now, it will never happen even if I want to.

Anyway, I was in charge of cooking today. Mom would have been very proud of me. Cooked 3 dishes. Here it is… the camwhoring of Zewt’s cooking:

Fried cucumber with vegetarian ham. One of Julia’s favourite (yes, I cooked for her before). Family’s remark… nice…

Fried ‘ghost’ sprout (kwai tao) with button mushroom and vegetarian ham. Family’s remark… salty, probably too much ham.

Fried oyster mushroom with ‘cili padi’. Family’s remark… nice.

Some of the readers here said they can't cook a meal even for themselves. Zewt will say… it’s not that difficult… you just have to try.

Have you promised you will cook something for your mom and you have yet to fulfil that promise?

The week that’s been

It’s exactly a week ago, today, that we pulled the plug. Time passes so fast, I don’t really have the chance to fully grasp all that has happened. A week just passed by like a flash, and it has been a week since I last heard mom’s nagging. And for the first time in my life, I miss it very much.

It has been a week of many 1st, for instant, it was the first time I saw my dad cried. Temper is his trademark emotion during his younger days, I have never seen his sorrow, but I saw it that day at the ICU when the doctor informed us that mom is beyond any medical help.

Speaking of tears, it was the first time my whole family wept together… all of us by mom’s bedside. I really wonder if she can truly hear us, I have to believe that she does. Otherwise, mom would not have heard all that I told her in the hospital that day.

It was also the first time I spent a week away from office and wish that I have worked instead. I am willing to go through any level of stress or unreasonable deadlines in exchange for another 1 minute with mom.

It was the first time that I think that all I have achieved in my life is utterly futile. A man can gain the world but if he failed to express his love to the person he loved, it means absolutely nothing.

It was the first time I went hours after hours without sleep due to reason other than work. I guess you know I do spend a lot of time at work… in the past. It’s amazing where I managed to gather that amount of energy.

It was the first time my faith is put to the test, and I think I coped well. Yeah, I did performed certain Buddhist ritual, but in my heart, I am not worshipping any other god, the true God remains in me, and when I bowed down, I did it in honour and respect to my mom. Why constraint ourselves to the rigidity of ridiculous religious rules and forget our responsibility as a son towards our parents?

And it was indeed, the first time I realised my mom has always been there for me, loved me in a way that no one else could have done… and I am thankful for that. As cirnelle put it in her comments… mom has always helped me in my studies and other achievements by taking care of all the other things. So I can't really say mom never helped me in my studies.

There are many other 1st, but I think that’ll be all for now. Spoke to someone today and that someone said I should start writing about social stuff again. Well, perhaps I should. Of course, I will still write about my mom on and off. After all, I really enjoy writing about her.

So… making jokes of others… traffic… society… some morons... the G… anyone?

2nd chance with mom: Hard work vs success

I am a very proud person. I have always considered myself a self-made man, that what I have achieved today is due to my own hard work, that my parents never nurtured me along the way. The fact that I did performed well in certain fields despite not getting any support from home made me a really proud person. I also believe that I would have been able to achieve much more if my parents have nurtured me since young.

“hai la hai la, ho ba bai la! Yat ko yuet wan do gei chin man ho chi ho ba bai kam yeong”
(ya la ya la, damn big shot now. Think you earn a few thousands a month, as if you’re damn big shot now)

My mom always says that to me when I give remark about how incompetent this person or that person is. I will also get the same words from mom when I proudly belittle the achievements of others, claiming that I would have done a better job. And I will definitely get those comments from her when I belittle her work.
This afternoon, when I was trying to remove the laundry from the washing machine, I broke the handle of the machine door. I pulled too hard I think, and now, the load of laundry is still in the machine as I type. Repairman said they will come either tomorrow or Thursday, which means probably no laundry for the next 2 days.

I clean scrubbed the bathroom floor yesterday, because it was getting slimy due to the layer of soap accumulating on it. Just now, as I stepped into the bathroom, I realised I have to scrub it again. At that moment I realised, mom scrubbed the floor every single day…. 24/7. And I have not even mentioned toilet. Have you clean the toilet of your house before?

Today is the second day I have to clean the dishes after dinner as my sis was in charge of cooking. During the first day, I had no idea where to put which plate and where to put which scoop and where to put this pot. And clean dishes does not mean end of cleaning. There’s also the kitchen floor and stove and throw away the remnants and replenish certain stuff to prepare for the next day.
The floor is getting a bit sticky; my bro just mopped it yesterday. He is doing his prayer and I am hoping he will do the mopping since he didn’t do much today as he went to work. I wonder how often mom mops the floor. I never recall the floor being sticky. Ok, maybe once in a while… but I am sure you get what I mean.

As today is only the second day since we realistically commenced life without mom, I am sure there will be plenty of discoveries in the days ahead.

For all the promotions and increment and other accomplishments that I have in my life, and the proud thinking that I will be able to ‘survive’, I was made to think otherwise. Mom humbled me yesterday and today. And I am sure she will keep humbling me in the days to come. And I thought I was damn big shot.

“Ni you le ni je ji the jia. Ni ke yi jiao gu ni de jia ren, jiu shi yi ge sing gung de ren,” cousin told me that night. (When you have your own family. When you can look after your family, that’s when you’re successful)

Of course, many of us have our very own definition of success. But to mom, success means being able to look after one’s own family. And ‘look after’ here probably doesn’t mean only in monetary terms. This is probably due to the mom’s upbringing. Therefore, being there for the children, preparing everything for the children, or maybe even nagging the children makes one a successful person, a good person.

This is also probably why mom is always quite angry when I belittle other people’s achievements. And the fact that the house can be quite a mess in my hands means I am nothing without my mom, I am certainly not successful, not yet at least. Mom never considered all my grades, all my promotions, all my sports medal (a few la), all my appearance in the paper (a few times la), all the money I made as success.

I will only be successful in mom’s eyes when I have achieved what she has achieved… to be able to really “look after” your own family. And I am determined to do that. And I promise not to belittle other people’s achievements anymore.

On a relatively unrelated note, society pressures us to measure success by the number of digits in our bank account, the number of cc of our cars, the number of staff under us, the number of months of our bonus, etc. No matter how much we deny it, somewhere in our mind, this notion is quite true. However, if we were to ask ourselves honestly AND answer it honestly, we will probably realise that money is not the ultimate success. You can shower the children with PS2 or i-Pod or the latest handphone so that they can appear cooler in front of their friends and employ a maid to look after each child, but if you can't cook a simple meal the children, I believe that’s not quite success. Of course, you can disagree with me.

Thank you

Just want to pause for a moment to offer my sincere gratitude to all who commented in the last few entries offering me much support, be it in the form of words of comfort, words of encouragement or prayers. Words cannot describe how touched I am to all of you. I am thoroughly amazed by all of you in the blogosphere. You are all great friends despite we have not met in person.

I wrote what I have written not to impress anyone, but rather to remind myself of what happened and I will read it again and again as a constant reminder to me on my mistakes and regrets. May we all minimise our mistakes and regrets in our lives.

I know I have not been replying to your comments but I have started doing so in my previous entry. Once again, thank you for all your support.

2nd chance with mom: Why it is enough

“You’re not wanted! I am going to give you away”

And he did, he gave his daughter to a poor village family. She was born into a decent family but her father didn’t want her, perhaps he wanted a son instead. Thus, she had to live a life of a poor kampung girl.

At a tender young age, house chores have already formed an integral part of her life. She was made to carry an axe to chop wood, firewood for cooking. By the time she was 14, she was asked to look after her elder sis’ daughters… all 4 of them. Her new mom will cane her if any of the sis’ daughters do not behave. She, in turn, caned those girls if they don’t listen to her.

All these responsibilities means she didn’t get to study, perhaps she only managed to complete her primary education before she was forced to grow up. She was asked to take up more responsibilities when her sis passed away due to cancer. Her bro-in-law had to work hard to bring home money. And when her mom also passed away, she had to take on the role of a ‘mother’ for her sis’ daughters… all these, before the age of 20.

Life got tougher as the days passed by, and she moved to KL, and worked as a maid. She was lucky enough to have a good master, and she was a very dedicated maid, always looking after her master’s children. I guess that’s why her master arranged for her to marry a guy in KL, so that she can settle down.

That’s how my mom married my dad.

Cousin told me I should know all that, and indeed, I should. Thinking about it made me realised why my mom is … my mom.

There are certain things that I never understand. My mother has never cared for my studies since young, since the very beginning. She never knew what time I go to school, what I was studying, when I need to take exams. I remember I came back with my UPSR results… straight As and my mom didn’t even look at it. The same thing happened with my PMR results. Some of my friends get hundreds for 2 or 3 As, but I just get a nod for my results. I was furious, and my hatred began to accumulate even further.

My parents also never plan my education. They wanted me to work immediately after Form 5, but I insist I will not. I had a very big fight with my mom regarding that, a story for another time perhaps.

Me being alone in my struggle to get educated has always been my main reason why I hate my parents, particularly my mom, since I don’t really care what my dad thinks. But knowing mom’s history changed all that.

Mom must have hated her birth parents too, why did they give her away. To mom, I guess being parents, the basic responsibility would be to at least look after the children. Well, at least parents should want their children and not give them away. And being so poor, mom must have thought… that putting food on the table for children is very important.

So that’s exactly what mom did, that was her priority in mom’s life.

She will always make sure she will be the one to cook. Whenever I make a passing comment about why she has not cooked this dish or that dish, rest assured, that dish will be on the table the next day or the day after. How does Zewt react to that?...

“Kam mat mo sik. Ngo chut pin sik,”
(Not eating today, I am going out to eat)

I can still remember that look on mom’s face every time that happened. Disappointment, but she never make any noise. Time and time again, she will make sure I have a motherly dinner at home, to which I so conveniently took for granted. And now, I will not even get to taste a single grain of rice that mom cook.

I think mom also wanted very much to be near her birth parents, she wanted her birth parents to be by her side. Hence, she wants me to be by her side all the time. She will nag me if I go out a lot, and she will complain that I am not homely.

“Ah tuck, ah ma jan hai em seh tuck lei,” mom hugged me and cried 2 days before I left for China for that short working stint. (Ah Tuck, mom will really miss you if you go)

In my mind, I thought… I only wanted to be away for 2 years, and will come back occasionally, nothing to be worried about, and I don't understand why can't she let me go. Of course, to my mom, 2 days away is already eternity, 2 years would be too much to bear. Mom wants to be the mother she didn’t have, the mother who is always near her child, and prepare her child.

Mom was very happy when I returned abruptly. But she didn’t tell me, she told me I should have stayed if it’s good for my career. But deep down, she was really happy to have me back… I know, because my cousin told me that night.

Ya’ know, I always said to people, that I am who I am because of the way I was treated when I was young. But I failed to apply that to my mother.

Mom was trying to be the mom that she never had. She must have wanted her mom to be near her, to hold her, to clean her clothes, to cook for her. As such, she became that mom to me.

Ya’ know, me and my siblings suggested that we employed a maid so that mom can rest. Mom said no, her reason excuse was that the maid will mess things up. But her real reason was that she wants to ensure that it was her hands that prepare everything for her children. She wants to be the one to cook the food that I eat, to do the laundry for the clothes I wear, to sweep the floor that I step on, to boil the water that I drink, to do everything for me, for us. Mom just worked hard… very hard. And I think she worked till hear death… for me, for us.

So many times we complain about our parents… Oh, why they didn’t do this. Why they didn’t send you overseas? How come they don’t buy you a Honda when they already got you a car. How come this and how come that.

Of course, there are parents out there who are not worthy of the title ‘parents’, but I think as a human… we all want to be the parents that we never had. And that may not be enough to you and me, but it’s the best that they could do. No matter what and how well they did, it will never be enough in our unappreciative eyes, but do try to understand life from our parents’ perspective.

My mom never understand the need for education or a car or that Gucci bag or an i-Pod, but she understood the need for love and care for her children, and she did just that.. right till the time of her passing. And that to me… is enough.

Love you mom.

Some of mom's wishes...

Mom was cremated today. As a Christian having such a strong Buddhist mom, the battle between faith and hope in my mind is quite overwhelming. But I believe mom is already at a higher place, beyond the clouds, amongst the holies, and safe in the hands of God.

Took a short nap when I reached home, after doing another round of laundry. I think I am beginning to like this laundry thing. Woke up and noticed my siblings were looking for treasures around the house. While cousin is still around, we want to let her see which of mom’s stuff is for her. Not that we are looking to distribute her stuff so soon but cousin will be leaving tonight and she is the only person who knows my mom’s unspoken will.

Mom is a fan of jade, typical Chinese. She has actually bought a lot of jade bracelet, one for all of our ‘partners’. She showed my sister all the jade bracelets a while back, and my sis said we all wouldn’t like it. I mean, who in the world likes old fashioned jade bracelet in this era.

“Lei mo lei ngo la, ngo jong yi mai bei hui dei. Jo gei lim” was mom’s reply to sis.
(Don’t care la. I like to buy for them, it’s for remembrance)

There’s actually one for sis, my soon-to-be-wife, my bro’s future wife, all my cousins and a few extras which we will give to her good temple friends. ... Mom wants to be remembered by everyone.

“Oh, these are for your children,” cousin pointed at 2 jade pendants, and handed them to me. My children? ... Mom wants her grandchildren to know her.

“This is for your wife,” cousin pointed at a very beautiful diamond pendant. “To be given to her during the tea ceremony”. ... Mom wants to be remembered during that moment.

“Oh, I think your mom wants to use this to make a baju kebaya, don’t know for who, can’t recall,” cousin pointed at some fabrics. I held it up, felt like silk. My sis never mentioned anything about wanting a baju kebaya. Then, it hit me. I vaguely recall Julia telling me that she would like to have a kebaya and I made a “passing comment” to my mom about it. Mom remembers every single word I said.

As cousin continued to identify which is for who, I realised mom really had it all planned out. Mom really does know she is going to leave us. And most importantly, I believe mom does not want to be forgotten, mom wants to be remembered. And mom did all she could to be stay in our memories. For those with deceased parents… do you remember their date of demise?

I think being forgotten was one of mom’s greatest fears. Cousin said mom disagreed with me going to China to work early last year. I think mom was really afraid that I will forget about her. Of course, that is not true. But mom, in her simple mind, she just want to be close to her children.

Cousin also said that night that mom actually called her at 12am the day I left for China, mom couldn’t sleep. She was worried, not knowing whether I will be able to find my way in China since I do not speak a word of Mandarin then. Also, she was afraid that I will not have enough to eat, no blanket… ya’ know, that kinda thing.

Mom is just so… mom.

Knowing all these really make my heart breaks into a million pieces which will take some time to recover. And knowing that I could have done something made it worse. I want to find out who is that Chinese sen-sei that diagnosed my mom, to which mom didn’t inform us. I want to find out what exactly was said to mom, and wonder mom did any follow up. I think I should do that to be in peace with myself. Otherwise, I will never be able to let this go.

Wish me luck.

P/S: About starting new blog for my mom, I think I will do away with that for now, already quite taxing with one blog. I will put it all in a “book - A 2nd chance with mom”, regardless of whether it will get published or not.

A 2nd chance with mom

“It’s already late, why don’t you all go back and rest?” I said that and bid farewell to my mom’s temple friends for the day. They were the last to leave.

I was really tired, which is an understatement. It was my mom’s first day of the wake, and I have been running around doing all that is necessary (and occasional blogging) since 7 a.m. I walked up to my mom and sat beside her. With me was my cousin from Alor Setar, whose tears continue to flow, she was my mom’s best friend. I never know how close they were. But little do I know, I am going to find out, I am in for a very big surprise.

There was silence between me, cousin and mom. We could only hear the chanting from mom’s lil electrical gadget, quite a convenient piece of instrument that chants repeatedly at the click of a button.

It was me who garnered enough courage to ask, “Does mom talks about me?”

Cousin slowly turned around, looked at me, and as she struggled to put on a smile in the midst of her immense sorrow… she said… “Tuck… all the time”.

“Really? What did she say?”

And so it began, a conversation that lasted from 11.30pm to 5.30am. In that 6 hours, I got to know my mom’s entire life… her aspiration for me, her concerns over me, her joy of having me, her depression for not being able to communicate with me, her fear that she was not good enough for me, her sorrow that she was not up to my expectations… all just… about me.

“Your mother seldom talks about Ah Foo (lil bro) and Ah Mui (lil sis). Very seldom, it’s always about you. It’s because she loves you the most”.

You know when you have a crush for someone, or fall for someone, do you notice you will always talk about that person day and night? My mom loves me so much, that every time when she picked the phone and called my cousin hundreds of kilometres away, it was to talk about me.

It’s truly remarkable, that my cousin was able recite my entire life. How I threw tantrums at home, the exact timing. What words that came out of my mouth. All the time when I made my mom happy with my once-in-a-blue-moon friendly gesture, all the gifts that I have given her, all the dinners that I brought my mom out, that even I myself have totally forgotten, my cousin could name them one by one… the exact timing I’ve done it, when… and how I did it.

All the gifts and simple meals, I will only get a, “mmm… ok. Do jie” from my mom. That’s it. Nothing more was spoken. In my mind, I thought to myself, that my mom never appreciate the little things that I did. Thus… it became an once-in-a-dark-blue-moon event. But I was wrong… very wrong… incredibly wrong… extremely wrong.

“When everyone is asleep, your mom will call me in the middle of the night and tells me how happy she was to have received this gift and that gift from you. And she will tell me which day you brought her out for that nice dinner. She will call me that day itself. From her voice itself, I could feel her immense joy”, my cousin said to me.

Cousin told me of this bag that I bought for her. Frankly speaking, I couldn’t recall that I bought one. Incredibly, my cousin can actually describe the bag to me.

“Your mom treated it like a ‘poh’ (treasure), and she ‘em seh tuck yong’ (afraid to use it as it’s priceless), she was afraid she might lose it, or dirty it”.

I tried to laugh… but I was crying… I tried to cry… but I was laughing. I must have looked so stupid next to my mom’s body.

I cannot write the whole story here. It would have been too long. It would have been too boring for you. I could hear some of you say … “huh… stories of your mom again?” So I have to stop here. But I really have plenty to write, to which I will.

I really wish I can put all those into a book. How? Tunku Halim, Lydia, Xues, Eric Forbes… how? Is it possible? I am not trying to buy a ticket to instant author-ship, but am just wondering if it’s possible. Words could not describe how much I want to share my 2nd chance with mom, so that everyone else, will do all the needful in their 1st opportunity. But how?

Have to go now, need to choose a new home for mom. I will pay for it. I am sure she will be over-joy that I will be buying her a new home.

P/S: The entire conversation… 6 hours of it, took place in Mandarin… MANDARIN!!!! I am very sure my mom will be proud of her ang-moh son. 6 hours of Mandarin from Zewt… maybe someone would like to contact Malaysian Book of Records.