The story of Mr. Suck Plime

There was this piece of property, owned by Mr. Dog. However, he didn’t buy it to stay. His sole intention is to look for a new buyer and make a quick gain from the sale. One day, a Mr. Suck Plime came and inquired about the property.

“$1,000,000 and it’s yours” Mr. Dog said.
“What the…! This is just a tiny piece of shit!”
“Yeah, but that’s the going price. Don’t worry, you can sell it for $1,200,000 in no time.”
“How can you be sure?”
“Mr. Cat sold it to me for $800,000 just a few months ago. And before that, Mr. Cow sold it to Mr. Cat at $600,000. And before that, it was Mr. Goat who sold it to Mr. Cow at $400,000. All that happened in less than 2 years!”
“No shit!” Mr. Suck Plime is obviously intrigued.
“Yeah, just look for a Mr. Sucker Plime and he will buy it from you for $1,200,000. Then Mr. Sucker Plime and sell to Mr. Suckest Plime at $1,400,000. Piece of cake!”
“But I am just a garbage collector, how am I going to get a $1,000,000 mortgage?”
“Don’t worry, the bank will lend it to you. You just have to pay higher interest. That’s all. No worries, Mr. Sucker Plime will come before you even need to pay the first instalment!”

Indeed, all these small banks and mortgage houses were more than eager to lend money to the likes of Mr. Suck Plime, Mr. Sucker Plime and Mr. Suckest Plime. It didn’t matter whether all these Plimes are toll collector, garbage collector or even unemployed. As long as they are willing to pay higher interest, they will get the mortgage they want. If a lawyer is paying say 5% interest, all these Plimes might be paying something like 30% interest.

While all these Mr. Suck Plimes are selling to many Mr. Sucker Plimes, all the banks and mortgage houses also wanted to make quick money. So they all brought their accounts to the financial magicians a.k.a. investment bankers and told them that they have thousands of Mr. Suck Plimes who owe them money. And the beautiful thing was that all these Mr. Suck Plimes will be paying incredibly high interest to these banks and mortgage houses.

Lets say a bank claimed to have 10 Mr. Suck Plimes owing them a total of $10m and they will be making $3m per annum for the next 10 years from these Mr. Suck Plimes. In simple mathematics, this bank will have about $40m in 10 years time.

“10 years is a long time. I don’t mind selling all these debts and future income worth $40m for $25m right now” the bank told the financial magicians a.k.a. investment bankers.

But ya’ know, these banks and mortgage houses underestimated the financial magicians. They are not the usual bunch. They are the top grade magicians from companies like LaiMun Brudder and Goman Sex. In similar comparison, we are talking about footballers from Manchester United and handbags from Gucci. Get the drift?

These magicians not only can turn 1 + 1 = 3, they can turn 1 + 1 and then look to you and ask… “How much do you want it to be?” And so… jili jala bingling bonglong hocus pocus estrocious petronius woosh woosh and voila… the $40m worth of debts and future income can now be sold at… $50m! Of course, the magicians took a big chunk of it from that.

But the question is… sell to who?

And so, these magicians went to some big banks like ZeeTee Bank and KongKong Bank and told them about these “good stuff”. You must be thinking, if ZeeYee Bank and KongKong Bank are big banks, surely they not simply purchase investments.

Now imagine if Alex Ferguson comes to Malaysia and told the Malaysian team coach that Zewt is the best striker in the country, what do you think the coach will do? If Gucci picks up a bag from Petaling Street and then put it up in its store and tell you, that’s the current design, what would you do?

Yes my friend, reputation is important. And all these big banks happily bought all the debts over, which have been magically transformed into wonderful investments. Not only that, these big banks also summoned their internal magicians to do another round of magic and try to sell some of the investments to other people. Many went for it.

While all the above are happening, let us not forget, all the big $$$$$$$ depends on whether Mr. Suck Plime can sell the property to Mr. Sucker Plime and then sell it to Mr. Suckest Plime.

Lo and behold, to many Mr. Suck Plimes, no Mr. Sucker Plime appeared. To those Mr. Sucker Plimes, Mr. Suckest Plime was not forthcoming. That’s when the bubble burst. Now if you recall, all the Plimes are merely this and that collectors or unemployed, they are very low income earners. There is no way they will be able to pay off millions in mortgages.

What happened?

They ran… cabut… MIA… woosh… gone with the wind. Those who didn’t run away just go to the small banks and mortgage houses and said “Sorry, no money”. When all these happened, big banks like ZeeTee Bank and KongKong Bank who bought over huge investments originated from Mr. Suck Plime borrowings which supposedly guaranteed huge profit suddenly realised their investments now worth nothing… zero… kaput… kantoi!

And that is the story of Mr. Suck Plime, purely fictional of course.

Did you enjoy the story? Or would you want a more detailed and technical version?


1 year ago… A piece of humour in the current light

2 years go… Go with the flow vs. blog for a show… A close encounter with the rempit kind