Chinese ... A .. B... C

Yesterday was the 9th day of CNY and it was an auspicious day for Hokkien-lang. It’s a day where they honour the ‘sky god’. The Chinese is an interesting race with many sub-species. The Cantons, predominantly found in KL and JB… the Hokkiens, predominantly in Klang and Penang… the Fuchow, predominantly in Setiawan and Johor with Hakkas and Teowchews forming the Chinese community in Malaysia.

But you know what? I think nowadays, there are only 3 main sub-species in the Chinese race. It’s very easy to identify them… they are the Type A, Type B and Type C… damn easy right?

Type A Chinese:

These are the (A)ng-moh-wannabes, pre-dominantly found in KL and PJ. They probably represent 20% of the Chinese in Malaysia, and growing. Naturally, most of these Type A Chinese speak English, even if they can speak a mother tongue. If they can’t, even better! Being a banana is a privilege, not a shame. While being a Malaysian, they think they are Australian. Once heard a Type A Chinese said he can speak 3 types of languages… Australian English, American English and British English… I guess Type A Chinese can be quite stupid.

Like majority of the Malaysian population, Type A always wants an easy life. The worst residence that they are willing to dwell in is a condo. Shitting must be done on a sitting toilet bowl, shit somehow refuse to be disposed when their legs are bent legs past 90 degrees. Computer means notebook, a desktop is ‘not up to standard’. And internet is meant for surfing. iPod is a must.

To them, celebrities only exist in Hollywood. Series only appear in the form of “CSI”, “Desperate Housewives”, “Grey’s Anatomy” and “Heroes” to them. Watching Hong Kong TVB Series is… 1) Not cool… 2) A serious threat to their Ang-Moh status. Rice means carbo, but somehow, pasta is not.

They are blessed with the ability to speak Malay with an English accent… “S’ya mau satu-h roti ch’nai… please”. And then turn around and say… “Gosh, I wish they have more mamaks in Australia, ya’ know”.

Type B Chinese:

These are the (B)engs&Lians, probably makes up about 25% of the Chinese community in Malaysia. It’s easy to spot Type B Chinese, the colour of their hair is anything but black. They smoke not becos it's cool, but becos it makes them look ‘fearsome’.

Most of them drive a Proton, though it may not look like one. Further, one Proton has enough amplifiers and speakers to power 6 Protons. This is because being ‘loud’ is one of the main trademark of Type B Chinese… ranging from having exceptionally loud voice to incredibly loud phone ringing tones.

Celebrities mainly come from Hong Kong and Taiwan. They can quote the current partner or gf or bf or husband or wife or any celebrity with ease, and secretly fantasises that they are the bf/gf of those celebrities. The female species of Type B Chinese enjoy having the following phrase as description in their Friendster photos…. “Me!”… “Me again”… “Me me me”… “Is I cute?”… “Cute leh…”

They are blessed with the ability to blend vulgar words with every single sentence…. “Boss! Cepat la! Cibai! Teh tarik satu!”. And then turn around and say… “Man do haiiii kam yeong”

Type C Chinese:

This type of Chinese makes up 55% of the Chinese community in Malaysia and is by far, the most important type of all Chinese. They are the ones who diligently work their ass off quietly despite being paid peanuts. They are the regular… (C)ina (pronounced chee-na).

They are the ones who drive the economy, who keep things going for without them, there will not be any development in this country. They are the one that gets ripped off, but stay quiet about it, for as long as they can make a living, life will go on as it is. They perceive Type A Chinese as ‘high-class people’, ‘rich’ and ‘lansi’ whilst Type B Chinese are “bad people”.

Generally speaks Mandarin or Cantonese or both. They may not be able to speak extravagant English, but their written English can be quite exceptional. Due to this, most have low self esteem. But lo and behold, a “F*uck you!” from Type C Chinese is more powerful than “Tiu lei” from Type B or “F*ck you” form Type A.

They are generally quiet, slow to speak with reasons such as “I like to keep low profile, I am here just to work”. But on the other hand, one must be careful when dealing with Type C Chinese, they bear the genes of true Chinese… sly, cunning, shrwed and calculative.

They are blessed with the ability to always see the best deal…”Fish and Chips… Ice-lemon tea”… turns around and say…”order same la, a lot of flench flies wan, and ice-lemon tea can refill wan”.

Which type are you?

A "very" close encounter with the rempit-kind

I can be really honest with you, I have absolutely no love towards the Urukhais aka mat rempits. But on the other hand, you gotta salute those creatures, they do have a way of getting what they want, not to mention their evolution from zero to hero.

Where once known as mat-motor, their species was given a complete make-over with the donning of the mat-rempit, then mat-cermelang title. With their new found fame, they went amok in a housing estate and our cops bravely declared they will go “all-out” to stop these Urukhais. The result is a possible construction of a race track just for them, built with tax payers money.

With their confidence very much boosted, they then created more havoc and once conjured up a stone shower on cops station, wow, talk about guts! Again, our protectors boldly proclaimed that they will go “all-out” to stop those pest. What’s the result?.... these Urukhais being absorbed into the crime fighting contingent, with additional tip too. And did I mention free bikes?

3 years ago, I had a close encounter with these creatures, and it goes like this:

It was 2 weeks before Christmas and I was driving home after sending one of my friend to GE Mall. It was totally out of the way home but since Christmas was around the corner, I figured I should be a good Samaritan and do something good. After dropping my friend off, I was heading towards KL, driving on Jalan Ampang.

For those who aren’t aware, Jalan Ampang is a 2 way street, traffic on both sides and 2 lanes for each direction. I was on the outer lane driving at probably 60km/h. On the inner lane are a few Urukhais doing some funky stunts in the middle of a busy road. A full tank (RM7?) for these people will probably last them a night, not bad for a weekend entertainment.

Then, all of a sudden, one of them decided to make a U-turn, from the inner lane to the road going on the opposite direction, WITHOUT looking at traffic on the outer lane (I hope this is descriptive enough). He was barely 5 meters in front of me when that happened and the next thing I know…. “BANG!”, I floored the brake but the car was still moving. This is because something was stuck underneath my front wheels and thus, there was not enough friction between the wheels and the road to stop my car. Don’t fret, it did stopped, albeit about 10 meters away.

I shouted “F**k”, got down the car and damn, I was so afraid to see what’s stuck underneath my front wheels… ya’ know, maybe “kepala meletup” or “tangan putus” or “telur bocor” or “batang putus”… who knows? I gave out a huge sigh of relief when I realised it was my bumper, or part of it. I then looked around to see any trace of blood, totally oblivious about traffic, and almost got hit by a car myself. Amazingly, the supposedly ‘victim’ was alright. I guess Urukhai are pretty tough after all. But he was holding his hip, complaining how sore it is. He is not dead!!! Another huge sigh of relief.

I then drove my car to the side of the road (there was a Land Rover showroom) and assessed my damage. My bumper and one of my fog light were totally smashed. Just then, I heard someone shouted behind me “Boss!! Saya punya pinggang sakit, saya mau jumpa doktor, apa macam?”. As I turned around, I saw about 20 (yes… 20!!! Twenty… dua puluh) Urukhais with helmets in their hands… SCREAMING at me as though I’ve just committed a great crime.

Let’s just pause for a moment and ponder, what would you do if you were in my position? I was feeling really pissed cause this moron made a turn out of nowhere, my car is damaged and now, they want me to pay for his damages and repairs, and I am given the impression that failure to comply with their demand means excessive physical injury.

At that time, I was dressed in a rather decent manner (not that I am any decent) as I just got back from a formal function. These morons must be thinking I am some timid china apek who will give in to their demands. Just at that moment, a patrol car came due to the commotion, BUT GUESS WHAT?? One of the Urukhai went to the patrol car and whispered something, and the patrol car… DROVE AWAY! I guess the cops and the Urukhais are made from each other since day 1. From that moment onwards, I know I am on my own.

How did I get out of it? With plenty of fluent ‘national language’ (seriously, I do speak fluently in my national language). Identify the leader and successfully psycho-ed him that it’s not my fault, plus, the victim should be over the moon for still being alive. Am afraid I can’t describe the whole ordeal here. But let me assure you, it took me 1 hour trying to calm down 20 angry hostile bikers and got out of there… alive. Ya’ know, they were all really holding their helmets ready for action.

As I was driving home, I was thinking how fortunate I was that I didn’t actually kill that Urukhai because if I did, it will be really ugly. Having said that, are we supposed to feel guilty if we do?

As I’ve mentioned earlier, if the government can ban firecrackers as it’s deemed to be a danger to us all, I am puzzled why the Urukhais activities are not banned. And now, the government is considering banning fast food ads… ya’ know… no more “Finger Licking Good” or “Happy Meal”…apparently it’s bad. But of course, nothing mentioned about banning the Urukhais.

P/S: TNS… this is the experience that I mentioned to you earlier…

Tagging – my first and last

Alright, I think someone is trying to infest the blogosphere with ‘forwards’ that filled the e-mail world in the form of chained-blogs and now… tags. Honestly speaking, I am not exactly a fan of it. But Economist mentioned that if I tag him, it means he has to post an entry. Consider the fact that there are a few of my friends who have (and still having) single digit entries in their blogs for the longest time, I reckon tagging them would be an appropriate ‘push’.

Was chained-blog by Huei earlier, to which I didn’t reciprocate, and now, Nuraina A Samad and P**kyma have tagged me. Since I am supposed to disclose 6 points in a tag e-mail, I will combine the 2 tags by taking 3 points from Nuraina and 3 points from Pookyma.

Bloggers meet-up (from P**kyma’s tag)

1) Who is the most wanted blogger you want to meet?
Have to say it’s Raja Petra Kamarudin from the famous Malaysia Today. He is the person who first made me into reading alternative news. Noticed not many people post comments on his site now, perhaps everyone’s attention is on the stock market.

2) Who are the group of bloggers you most wanted to meet?
Hmmm… I think I will go with the ‘serious’ bloggers for now. People like SkThew, Nuraina, RockyBru, MaverickSM, Tony Pua, Freelunch2020… ya’ know, those people. Having said that, I think the Wingz, P**kyma and Tiuniasing bunch are cool too.

3) Who is the “I can meet, want to meet but somehow never get to meet blogger’?
I think this is quite a trick question, or I just fail to comprehend it. Based on my understanding, I will say it’s The Angry Medic. Never get to meet cos that dude is all the way in Cambridge. Perhaps we will meet one day, but not in the operating theatre hopefully.

3 weird things (from Nuraina A Samad’s tag)

Weird thing number 1 – whenever I log on to my computer at work, I must launch my Lotus Notes first, and then my own folder, and then the server folder, and then my outstanding work list, then an internet browser. All these windows have to be in that sequence, otherwise, I will feel funny. So much so that it will actually affect my work. If I accidentally close one window, I will close everything and launch all the programmes in that sequence again. They call it idiosyncrasy.

Weird thing number 2 – if you have a pen with a cap, most people will remove the cap and fasten it at the other end of the pen and then proceed with writing. I can’t. Basically, I can’t write if the cap is fasted at the back-end of the pen. I must remove the cap and place it on the table in order to write. Ya, that’s another idiosyncrasy.

Weird thing number 3 – I don’t like to wear underwear…. Gotcha! Do you think I will tell you if I don’t like wearing underwear? Anyway, I can’t think of another thing weird about me right now so I asked my gf and she said that it’s weird I tend to tip-toe when I dance at clubs. Ok... not exactly tip-toe but i tend to lift my heel just a tad. Consider that I like hip-hop, I guess it’s weird since hip-hop and ballet doesn’t quite go with each other.

There you go… 3 from P**kyma and 3 from Nuraina. And I hereby tag the following:

June – to make up for the 10 days you can’t blog due to an uninvited guest.
Sivin – I hope whatever I write may end up in a Pastor’s blog.
Ubean – now you have got more inspiration.
Economist – now you have to post your second entry.
Cirnelle – now you have to post your third entry.

You guys are supposed to answer the 3 bloggers-related questions and mention 3 weird things about yourself in your blog and then tag 5 other bloggers. BUT DON'T TAG ME! :P

Now that I’ve finished… hmm… seems quite fun. No no no… must control… no more tagging from me!

Cheers!

Go with your flow vs Blog for a show

How was everyone’s CNY celebration? A bountiful ‘ang pow’ harvest? Definitely plenty of sinful indulgence… perhaps it’s time to hit the gym after today. I should be, since I’ve been such a glutton. But hey, I am sure we all agree that we deserve it right? After all, it’s only once a year.

One thing for sure, blogging has been scarce, for me I mean. Not for others though, kudos to though who still managed to squeeze time from their CNY schedule to continue blogging.

Blogging… been talking about it lately. If you wish to blog, time shouldn’t be a problem, nor topic. But readership seems like an important ingredient for some. Actually, there’s no blog that’s without a reader. For those personal and private blogs, the blogger himself/herself is the reader, don’t u think?

As for those who thinks readership is important, what do you do to keep the readership going? Or increase readership for that matter. I’ve said earlier that 90% of the stuff I intend to blog about has not appeared in my blog, or not yet. Someone what are those, and more importantly, why didn’t I blog about them already. Honestly? I think the time is not right yet.

I think most of us started a blog with a particular direction in mind, your flow of thoughts are very much established. Basically, you sort of know what do you want to blog about, despite the lack of topic somewhat. As time goes by, do you deviate from that direction?

Recently, a blog by the name of sabahan.com compiled a list of 50 most influential blogs in Malaysia. Occupying the top slot is none other than kennysia.com. I’ve visited quite a number of blogs and his blog is often categorised as “A must read” or “Daily reads” or “Daily blog dosage”… somewhere along such line.

His is a personal blog with loads of pictures, sometimes enhanced with photoshop. Imagine this… what do you think will happen if he stats to blog about the English Premier League? Or he starts blogs about politics? One would wonder how many people will continue to brand his blog as “Daily Reads”. Having said that, I would if he starts to blog about those.

KennyMah once commented that it’s up to him to keep his blog interesting as he enjoys having people reading his blog. Well, I have to agree with him. But again, do you deviate from your original ‘theme’ in order to keep your blog interesting?

The villain in the movie “Speed” said “A bomb is meant to explode, that’s the destiny of a bomb”. Can the same be said about blogs? Not explode of course, but to be read. Metaphorically speaking, do you continue to ‘build your bomb’? Or just anything as long as it explodes? … do you go with your flow … or are you going to build for a show… hmmm….

Now, I wonder how many people will continue to read my blog…

A Chinese New Year greeting… a Chinese New Year missing

It’s here again… the Chinese lunar new year (“CNY”). A time where a hole will be burnt in pocket of the married couples… 2 holes for those just married. Time for the exodus of outstation folks via a wonderful traffic jam while KL-ites enjoy a few days of relatively free-flow traffic. Lately, it’s also a time for the Indons and Banglas to roam the streets, making KL almost their own. But hey, some of these fellas actually have bumiputera status… ya’ know, the prince of the land. Maybe KL is theirs to own, but that’s not the point today.

Anyway… I remember when I was young (which is quite some time ago), I really look forward to CNY and honestly, I have no idea why. Maybe it’s cos of the ‘ang pow’, maybe it’s cos of the food, but if there’s one thing I truly enjoy about CNY, it’s firecrackers. To me, this red explosive creation is the heart and soul of CNY. Imagine utter silence during CNY eve, and first day of CNY… really ‘potong steam’ and no atmosphere, don’t you think?

As you know, firecrackers are banned in Malaysia. Those caught trading firecrackers will be fined… and possibly jail term too? Every year, we read in the news about our cops busting this syndicate and that syndicate but Malaysians, being lynchpins in the you-got-the-money-I-got-the-goods world, somehow, there will be some crackers being light up here and there. So the latest step to curb this as reported in TheStar on 12 Feb, 2007 is:

“KUALA LUMPUR: Those caught lighting firecrackers for the coming CNY celebration will be slapped with an on-the-spot compound of at least RM100…”

So what do the Chinese do during CNY? … play pop pop… I throw it at you… pop! You throw back at me… pop! Damn fun right?

If I remember correctly, the ban came about cos some freaking morons blow up their hands, their legs playing firecrackers. Most of the time, such incidents happened when these morons played this thing called ‘meriam buluh’ (translate: bamboo cannon). They stuff a lot of fireworks inside a bamboo, apparently the explosion is really cool. But these morons who don’t’ really know how to handle fireworks carefully have their hands, legs and face blown up while stuffing fireworks into a bamboo. Now tell me, who are these people that always play ‘meriam buluh’? Tell me! Tell me!…. And because of these idiots, firecrackers are now banned.

To me, the ban on firecrackers is really unfair. Because of these morons, CNY has lost its atmosphere, its heart and soul. It’s also unfair because the spirit of banning anything bad it is not unanimously applied. We know of these illegal racers and public nuisance called mat rempits, most of them are drug addicts and snatch thieves but does our government ban mat rempit activities? No! And not only that… they government intends to build tracks for them to race! And the latest news is that, they will be given free bikes if they ‘help curb crime’. Woooooaaahhhhh…. that’s unfu*kingbelievable!!!

Sorry to spoil your CNY mood but that’s reality, ain’t it? Alright, think I’ve rant enough. Here’s wishing you everybody a very Happy CNY and may you ‘fatt’ like a pig but make sure you don’t grow ‘fat’ like a pig…

Gong Hey Fatt Choy!

A readership dilemma

When I first decided to start a blog, it was so clear in my mind about the things that I intend to put into words. I knew exactly what I wanted to blog about and I wanted (and still want) to tell the whole world about my zewtpinions. I actually sent an e-mail to my junk forwards recipient list announcing to the whole about the launch of my blog hoping that they will pay my blog a visit. 3 things happened thereafter:

1. 90% of the stuff I intend to blog has not appeared in my blog (yet?);
2. 5% (a guesstimate) from my junk forwards recipient visited my blog; and
3. 65% (a guesstimate) of the people who reads my blog are friends whom I made in the blogosphere.

As of today, I think I have between 25 – 30 friends (yes, you are all my friends although I may not met seen some of you in person yet) who read my blog regularly (thank you thank you). If you ask me, I sure want the number to grow. And of course, I sincerely hope those who have been reading will continue to drop by. That’s for me.

For my good friend, Economist, he has a blog but there has only been 2 entries (I think) since its incarnation. I am dead sure he has a lot of things to blog but his concern is that there may not be any reader. At this juncture, allow me to highlight 2 comments posted in my blog earlier:

Flaminglambo – I don’t give a rat’s ass (author: a pretty small ass by the way) that nobody reads it.

Bongkerz – I think most of us started without thinking whether people will read our blog or not.

The above 2 comments certainly contradicts my intention to start a blog, cos I really wanted people to read it. So there are mainly 2 species of bloggers… one that doesn’t really care about readership (duh…)… and one that cares about readership (double duh….) hehe... Crap aside, I am of the zewtpinion that readership depends on the things that one wishes to blog about.


Kenny Mah’s left a comment saying that some blogs are password protected so as to restrict readership to only a certain group of individuals. Well, guess these are the people who don’t really care about readership. In fact, they have gone the extra mile to ensure that there is no readership. Probably such blogs are too personal, probably includes some dark secrets that one just needed to type it down, probably includes some sick fantasy. One thing for sure, they do not wish their blogs to be read, and I am not one of them.

Naturally, the legion of bloggers would prefer readership. Why? Like I said earlier, I wanted (and still want) to tell the whole world about my zewtpinions. I want to share what I think with people (I know, sounded damn corny right?). More importantly, I wanna know whether they agree or disagree with me. In order to achieve that, I guess I would like to have people reading my blog, honestly speaking.

Of course, that’s like too damn serious right? I am sure we need a break sometimes, which is why I also blog to share about morons whom I encountered and perhaps some humour to laugh about and some interesting twisted love stories. I am sure you don’t mind reading those, right?

So Economist (and others who finally found time and topic but concern about readers), whether or not readership is important depends very much on what you wanted to blog about. Trust me, if your blog is interesting enough (and it doesn’t need to be extravagant English), readers will turn out. So fear not, blog away!!

Allow me to digress a little… There’s actually a real life situation, a reader of my blog, a fellow blogger whose name I shall not mention, that her aunt accidentally stumbled upon her blog and she freaked out. Her reason …”I do not wish to be naked in front of my relative”… no no no, there’re no naked pictures of her there you pervert! It’s just metaphor. So this person wanna restrict one reader from her blog but she can’t and at the same time, she loves blogging. What’s the solution? She is still trying to figure it out. Anyone here wanna help her out?

Last but not least, in our pursuit of more readers, do we blog about what we intend to blog about? Or we blog according to our readers’ interest? … now, that’s a blog for another time...

No topic?

My apology, made a mistake in my previous blog, that person in question claimed he doesn’t have 1,000 blogs in his read list but rather, I quote “a modest 256 subscribed on his googlereader” unquote. Have to be a responsible blogger, must own up to my mistake :). Well, I guess 256 is indeed quite “modest”.

Many fellow bloggers and readers (those who failed to find time to blog) are of the zewtpinion that time is indeed a lame excuse for not blogging. I am glad you all agree with me… thank you thank you. Some enlightening comments regarding finding time include:

Economist – in life, we have to make time for the things we really want to do

Freelunch2020 – no time is the lamest excuse in the world

Huei – free time just doesn’t come knocking on your door… you have find it…

Witch’s broo – … they really believe they do not have time because they do not make time for these things.

Bongkerz – no time? Bullshit (I like this best).

Guess we can conclude that having no time is really a lame excuse… or just pure bullshit. So now, if time is not a reason, what is?

Like I said earlier, there are people who say…”dunno what to blog about”. Sometimes, hidden behind this reason (or excuse) is the I-can’t-really-write reason. Seriously, one can blog about anything. And seriously, your English need not be extravagant to blog. A blog is not an English composition test. Having said that, you should make ‘understandable’ the minimum requirement for any particular entry.

Since started blogging 1 month and 15 days ago, I have read many blogs and most of them are really interesting. It’s also amazing how some people can post 3 – 4 entries per day! Talk about having no time. Of course, I am not saying all the entries are masterpiece but hey… nobody set rules in blogging. But of course, in this country, the code is… res-pon-si-ble, which simply means whack-the-govt-and-your-ass-will-be-in-jail. That’s basically it.

If you’re reading this blog, I am sure you’ve read many others and their variety ranges from humour to truly intelligent articles, from camwhore (I learnt this from reading blogs) to brilliant photography, from serious political views to pure nonsense, from appreciation to complaints. Basically, about almost anything.

Here is a tip for those who don’t know what to blog... I realise that everyone in this freaking world complains about at least one freaking thing every freaking day. So, at any time of the day when you make a complaint, blog about it. Complaints make quite good blogs. Don’t believe me? Just try browsing through the archives of TheStar Citizen’s Blog, you’ll find loads there.

And if you just happen to be without complaint, you’re probably not normal, see a psychiatrist. But if you really happen to be a complaint-free person… well, just make a complaint in your blog about having nothing to complain.

Now, the other all time favourite reason for not blogging is …”I dunno if anyone will read my blog”… now, that’s a blog for another time.