Chronicles of vol-ass-no eruption

I am sure we all had our days, the time when our body decides to empty itself via the backdoor… again and again… and again. The rush of those semi-fluid or sometimes fluid substance though our rear canal and finally leaving our body at such a ferocious speed can be a very draining experience.

Perhaps it was due to food poisoning, or perhaps it was just a time the body went on a self-detox mode but whatever it is, the experience is usually not a very pleasant one. However, there are a few backdoor-explosions which are too memorable not to be shared…

Chronicle 1: Race against time

This incident took place more than 7 years ago and I was attending a friend’s wedding dinne in one of the hotel in KL. No, it was not a shot-gun marriage; my friend is 12 years my senior.

Anyway, it was the end of the dinner and a bunch of us, feeling a bit tipsy decided to head to the loo for a piss. Yeah, for some strange reason, guys do this go-toilet-together act too. As we entered into the gents, one of us shouted “look-out!” and pointed to the floor.

Resting on the floor were drops of a certain brownish substance which I do not need to elaborate. As we head further into the gents, traces of this substance got more and more, you can tell that the substance was oozing from one’s back-hole and keeping it in was getting increasingly difficult.

The trace led us to the first cubicle; it’s obvious that this person is in a rush. The door of the cubicle was half opened. I do not know why but one of us pushed open the door and there we saw it, the aftermath of the disaster.

I have to admit, the signs of the aftermath shown on the wall of the cubicle was so exquisite that one can actually consider it a work of art. I brief forensic investigation by us suggest that the person probably removed his pants in a flash and as soon as his pants were down, the brain instantly told the relevant muscles that it’s time to let loose and as such……the firing began, albeit a controlled one.

This controlled firing left a trail on the side of the cubicle all the way to the back. We concluded that the brain of that poor soul can no longer take the stress and as soon as the back-side was facing the back of the cubicle, the final shot was made… and it was made before that person managed to sit down on the toilet bowl.

From the sight of the wall, without a doubt… this one ended in a “bang”.

Chronicle 2: Don’t guess unless you’re sure it’s gas

There was this girl (yes, it’s a she this time), and she was quite the hated soul in the company she worked in. One beautiful day, after having a meal, her bowel began to act up quite a bit. You know the feeling as though something is inside your bowel and it is running up and down causing intense pain and before you know it, you have to head to the toilet already.

As she was having this pain in her tummy, she felt a certain amount of gas coming out from her tummy… through her back-passage… about to leave the back-cave. Ya’ know, sometimes you need to fart but you happened to be in public so you have to be discreet. As such, you try to control the speed of your fart by slowly releasing it.

She must have been trying to do that but just as she was about to let loose her air-pollutant; the activities in her stomach suddenly send a powerful rush of ‘liquid’ through the same passage-way and thus… when she released her air-pollutant… so released her ‘other stuff’ as well.

I was told she sat there and refused to get up. Her colleagues had to push her chair together with her to the toilet while other colleagues went and bought her new panty and pants. Since she is quite a hated soul… she must have been the laughing point of the office for the longest time.

So next time, if you are not sure if it’s entirely gas… do not guess…

Chronicle 3: Know your priority

Diarrhoea in your dictionary is probably extreme release of fluid or semi-fluid substance from your asshole. Very often, it is caused by food poisoning. When the food poisoning is a severe one, you will not only keep shitting, you will also be puking your guts out.

A story was told about a girl who had the food poisoning experience of her life. In the middle of the night, she felt the activities in her stomach and she knew the vol-ass-no eruption is going to happen anytime. She rushed to the toilet and she was quick enough to sit down before the eruption took place. However, while things were rushing out from the backside, she also started to puke… and it was a very bad puke too!

So there she was, feeling weak after a vol-ass-no eruption, she still had to clean the toilet. Must have been a very horrible feeling… the smell of her puke… and probably still feeling the sore from the eruption in the ‘hole’…

Half-way while cleaning, she suddenly felt the second wave coming… both the front and the back. Now, here is the predicament… should one sit and let the frontal eruption let loose on the toilet floor or should one choose to puke in the toilet bowl and try to hold the back-door till you finish puking?

My friend… let’s just say, you must prioritise your ass!

Have a wonderful weekend… don simply eat stuff ya…