Saturday, 10 May 2008

A note to Mom on a special day

Dearest Mom,

How are things on your side of life? I hope you still drop by occasionally on my side to catch a glimpse of me or something.

If you have been dropping by, you would have known that I have done something you have always wanted me to do… get married. Julia has been a wonderful wife and how I wish you were around during our fairytale wedding dinner.

But amidst the wonderful celebration, I feel that I have not done what I should be doing, that is to truly mourn your death. I am really not sure if the 49 days of vegetarian was sufficient. Right after that, I proposed and all I did was preparing myself for the wedding and to a certain extent, I lived my life as if you have been gone for the longest time already. Despite me constantly saying I miss you, my actions did not seem agreeable.

I know you are a person who holds strong to customs and if dad was the one who moved on, I don’t think I would be married by today. You would probably want me to keep the mourning period properly adhered to.

But anyway, I have done it and I hope you are happy. I also know that you have been wanting to have a grandchild to play with. With things progressing lately, I am really not sure if that is even possible now. I am confused, with so many thoughts trapped in my mind that sometimes, I feel I am drowning beneath them all.

Things on my side have been rather rough lately. Although I don’t really tell you things about my life when you were around but now, I feel the sudden need to just let all things out to you. It breaks my heart knowing that you are not here to listen to me. At this moment in time, I feel that no one is listening to me besides God.

I once remembered you telling me that the journey that I will go through is still so long but things might have just taken a twist. I don’t know, my mind is jumping between high and low that I can't even talk straight at the moment.

It’s Mothers’ Day tomorrow and I wish I could take you to another vegetarian restaurant just like how I took you 2 years ago. I knew you were very happy with the place I took you then as you told cousin about it and was very proud of me. Well, at least I made you proud then.

Not exactly a very happy note to you in this motherly season but I guess I really wanted you to know that. Wish I could give you a hug and hear you calling me by the name that is almost foreign by me already.

I guess there isn’t exactly an appropriate gift to you in this occasion. As such, I would like to dedicate my 300th entry to you. So Happy Mothers’ Day and I want you to know that you are still very much alive in my thoughts.

Son

48 comments:

day-dreamer said...

Maybe your mother would be happy to see you carrying on with life enthusiastically instead of being sad over her passing.

I wish I could be home for Mother's Day this year.

And by the way, my dad is doing okay now except that he has to exert more care about his health and diet. So, please keep your hopes burning. With the advanced technology nowadays, I'm sure you can make it like my dad. :)

Jemima said...

Don't be so hard on yourself, Zewt.

It's no secret that love is stronger than death. The life you had shared with your mum is something to celebrate, to remember, to be thankful for. You've shown it clearly in this post.

God Bless!

Anak Merdeka said...

Oh Zewt ...

Please be strong. You must have faith that there is a silver lining somewhere and it will make it's appearance to you soon.

Just hang in there for a while longer, ok?

FYI, I still cry every time I missed my dad deeply and it's been more than 10 years ... Yes, love hurts but life goes on. There are others waiting for you to love too.

*Giving Zewt a warm hug* *Wipes tears*

rainbow angeles said...

But anyway, I have done it and I hope you are happy.

I think that she'd want you to be happy first... then she'd be happy :)

I can only wish you all the best... your family and friends will be there for you thru' the good and bad..

Happy Mother's Day to all mommies!

Michael Song said...

zewt... trust me, no mother will b upset wif her son... cheers!

Acute Critique said...

Actually, i have always make everyday is a mother day thingie. The special day is way to commercialized. And for me, i would prefer to show my love to my mom everyday instead of just one day for the whole year.

Give your mom a treat every now and then, not just on that special day. Your mom can feel it. =)

And as for you zewt, don't be too sad about it. Im very sure your mom wants you to be happy. And when you're happy, she's happy. Cheer up zewt! Smile! =)

tulipspeaks said...

Its really touching. can't say anything more :~(



ammu.

mrbherng said...

zewt, I know it's easier said than done; but don't allow your uncertainty affect you too much. You will be fine.

WY Kam said...

she is all fine, knowing her son is doing well. :) keep yourself safe/healthy is probably one of the best mothers' day gift,.

imp said...

i don't know about the actions of mourning. but wouldn't it be the feelings in the heart that are the most sincere?

i'm sure your mom's proud of you living your life the way you want it. keep the faith.

suituapui said...

I, for one, do not believe in mourning. No doubt we would feel sad over the loss; as they say, "Those who leave feel not the pain of parting, it is they that stay behind that suffer." But what is more important would be all the things we do when a person is still alive...and no doubt you would have made your mum very proud and happy when she was still around. Be strong, Zewt...;your mum would want you to for she lives on...in you, and when you get through these trying times, she would surely be very proud of you, her son!

mistipurple said...

your posts about your mom always make me tear. :/
she is proud of you and will want you to go on in your life, as best as you best. you're not alone, you can always talk to her. i believe she can hear you, and will continue to look after you.
i know you'll never forget your mom, even when you don't post about her.

Lynnwei said...

dear zewt, great post. I'm sure ur mom is very proud of you!!!

i've got a great news!!! i'm so excited....it's in my blog! ahaha...if you got time, do drop by.

May the peace of God be with you always!! ^^

Fiona said...

Hey bro be happy.
I'm sure every mother would wish their children will be happy and healthy always as that will bring your mom the greatest joy ever. Oh you married already ? Did you post here? hehe long didn't visit your blog send me the link of your wedding post !!

Shopaholicfern said...

hey Zewt...i'm sure your mom will be happy to know that u're married.
all mothers want to see their son get married.

she is now looking down at you with smiles from heaven :-)

Jun said...

it's not easy during certain times when u're reminded of the passing of ur loved ones. i hope u find closure in writing this letter *hugs*

myop101 said...

dear zewt,

life is short. cherish it. i am sure your mom, even if she is a strict adherent to the old customs, would want the best for you.

i understand what you mean by having no one to talk to. not sure in the same way but life is not exactly smooth.

not sure if i told you but i once was suspected of taking drugs and was disqualified from being taken in by one of the schools. why? because i took cough medicine out of fear i might be disqualified because i was coughing badly. i was crushed because of that incident and has since then develop a medical checkup phobias. but the Lord is kind. He took care of me. to cut a long story short, i still end up in that school.

let's commit your troubles to the Lord k.

CK said...

your mom will be proud of you when you live your life to the fullest. trust yourself and also god's willing.

be well and be happy.

look up, ur mom is smiling upon you.

KittyCat said...

You have done your best and that is what would have made your Mom happy.

As a Mom, I'm telling you no matter how naughty, cheeky or annoying Lucas is, all he needs to do is say, "Mimi!". I smile. My heart melts.

I know what you mean about not mourning properly. It's not healthy and the hidden pain surfaces itself in strange ways.

Do let it out either by crying, talking, shouting etc and seek closure in your own way. If you feel that going vegetarian is the way you will make peace with yourself, then do it.

Share this with your wife, Julia. She may be able to help you more than you think. Have faith in God! He can give you the peace you're looking for - through others.

kyh said...

She'd be proud of u yesterday, today, tomorrow. Even though she couldn't be here to celebrate the day with u, I'm sure she'll hear your voices, your eagerness to spare some moments with her. You've done well so far. In her eyes, you're forever her great son that she loved so much.

sooi sooi said...

Waidaminit ah tuck...you are not implying that your kidney condition is compromising your fertility are you??? Just take the best care you can of your health, and leave the rest to God. No point agonizing too much over the unknown and the unseen for the time being.

No matter what, your mom would definitely wants you to be happy in life. Do what you feel that need to be done to have a closure before moving to the grassy land. May peace be with you!

littlepolaris said...

Happy Mother's Day zewt!

Tekkaus said...

I'm sure your mom is proud of you! And with you dedicating your 300th post, it couldn't get better! Happy Mother's Day to everyone mother is this world!

rach p said...

Stay strong.. Hang in there.. He'll be there.. guiding you with each and every step you take alright.. Will be keeping you in my prayers =)

Huei said...

ur mum will be happy to see u happy..so be happy! that's the best present u could give her..not just on mothers day..but everyday =)

missironic said...

wishing your mother a happy mother's day too.

hope all is going to b well for you and jules..=)

Pauline Yap said...

*warm hugs*
take care, okay :)

Kenny Mah said...

Don't be too hard on yourself, Zewt. You've already done what is humanly possible to mourn your loss and I doubt your mother will want you to grieve too long.

If death is the culmination of life, and something to be celebrated, then we celebrate the celebration of life with more life, with living. And living on, and living well is what you do to commemorate all that your mom has done for you.

And I think you've done a pretty good job of this thus far, bro. There will always be stumbling blocks in life, and it's how we navigate ourselves around this that determines our true path, no? I'm still discovering mine, I think we all are, so I hope you know you're never alone on this journey.

Be well. *hugs*

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Seaqueen said...

It's very touching. Thanks for making me teary-eyed again. :) But really a good one.

zewt said...

day-dreamer - yeah, my friend said the development of medicine is so advanced nowadays, u will never know...

Jemima - thanks... have to be firm with myself sometimes.

Anak Merdeka - yeah, i think i will cry every mothers' day till the end of my life.

rainbow angeles - hope so. imagining her smile.

Michael Song - thanks man. i believe so.

Acute Critique - wow... that is very good. yeah, your mom deserves all the love you can give her.

zewt said...

tulipspeaks - :)... some tears some times is good.

mrbherng - thanks man... today, a huge chunk of it has been removed, it's good.

WY Kam - yeah, health is everything now.

imp - my heart has been all over the place. need to carve a bigger part for her i think.

suituapui - today i found much strength. i think i need a few more days to gather myself... not easy...

mistipurple - thanks... that was very comforting indeed. thanks again...

zewt said...

Lynnwei - read it... a brilliant post indeed...

Fiona - hey!!! cant find the link to your blog leh... :)

Shopaholicfern - it would have really been nice if she is physically there.

Jun - there will never be closure... only milder pain.

myop101 - Praise God! today, He took a big chunk of my concerns and worry away today... Yeah, it's amazing how He can always take our concerns away...

CK - :)... always looking up...

zewt said...

KittyCat - yeah... sharing with her all the time. She has been a source of strength! and of cos God! His peace is truly surpasses all understanding.

kyh - i know... sometimes, it's good to actually hear it :)

sooi sooi - aiyooo... why suddenly fertility??? pengsan!

littlepolaris - :)

Tekkaus - hey! i wish i can give her something more than just this post...

rach p - thanks... appreciate that :)

zewt said...

Huei - trying to be happy... much better today :)

missironic - doing ok.... not easy but still holding on.

Pauline Yap - thanks :)

Kenny Mah - sigh... just that this condition is making things a lil difficult. well, discovering our path is kinda like a lifelong journey, dont u think?

Elmer - I have a look later.

Seaqueen - :)... appreciate it.

sooi sooi said...

ya la, u said u not sure if it's possible to give your mom a grandchild ma...so I thought mebbe got problem in that department lor :p

myop101 said...

dear zewt,

:)

press on!...:)

sharlydia said...

like ur mom said, ur life is still a looooong way to go bro! Ur mum will be happy to know that she's still alive in ur thoughts, and she'll be smiling at u from heaven!

Jacss said...

i know living with regrets hurt...it really hurts, yet u can't do anything to restore !!

it's ok...just "pour it" out as & when u think it makes u feel better...

zewt said...

sooi sooi - hahaha... u very imaginative.

myop101 - will do! :)

sharlydia - it's good to know that.

jacss - yeah... keeping inside is definitely very unhealthy.

missironic said...

tat's gud..continue to hold on..dun lose faith, yet! =)

zewt said...

missironic - will certainly do :)

~LIZA~ said...

that is so sweet :) i feel like i'm close to tears while reading it..

zewt said...

~liza~ - hey! welcome to AZAIG. well, it's good to know we are human after all.

MaL said...

This letter is really beautiful :)

zewt said...

mal - :) thanks...

Estrelita Soliano Grosse said...

Just found your site today from Sivin Kit's blog. Noticed it earlier in other blogs but the name "zewt" didn't interest me.

I just read through every single blog post with the label 'Mom'.

I cried all through! I think your mom did a grand job with you! Her legacy lives on in you! Take consolation in that!

God bless you!

Lita

zewt said...

Estrelita - hi there, welcome to AZAIG. thanks for your encouraging note. her legacy certainly lives on... as i do impose some on my wife :)

God bless.